I'm Back

Sanity reigns once again.

I haven't been myself lately. My mindset has been one of angst. I couldn't talk myself down. The inane stuff that was taking up room in my brain was ridiculous.

I tried to empty my brain by dealing with the small stuff that has been overtaking my thoughts.

I called and rebooked an outing with a friend. I called and rebooked my appointment to donate blood (only to realize that the appointment was already made for the very day I was requesting ... it never did overlap on my 'busy' calendar!). I called and left (a most befuddling) message so that I could walk away from the phone and know that all I had to do was to wait for a return call.

And yesterday ... I worked.

After allowing myself the luxury of a weekend (I only worked four hours but was guilt ridden for the remaining 44 hours because I thought that I should be working). I haven't got a handle on this working-from-home-thing. When your work is staring you down all weekend, the I-should-be-working mentality sets in. I must hide my work on the weekend. Or leave the house. Or both.

I also managed to cook two decent meals in a row. The idea of creating a meal that is pleasing to the tastebuds and inviting people to come and join us stresses me out in a big way. And to do it two nights in a row?! Beyond insane. But the reality of eating home cooked food in a meat and veggies sort of way? It must be sending some sanity back into my overtaxed brain. I am calm. Finally.

People. I miss people.

In this new bookkeeping-from-home venture, I spend the vast majority of the day staring at a computer screen or sorting through boxes of papers. There is not a lot of verbiage in the day. I have learned to enjoy two way conversations in my later years. I miss them.

Thankfully my Second Son comes and goes throughout the day. The last four consecutive evenings, he has invited me to come out and have a drink on the deck. He has a way of knowing what I need and gently moves me towards 'the sun'.

Last night we started talking with some neighbors (who live across the street and down two houses) that I've never talked to, in the 16 years that we have lived here. It was thanks to my Second Son that we befriended our next door neighbor. He was a friendly, outgoing and helpful seven year old when we moved here and he quickly adopted our neighbors as pseudo grandparents. And it was thanks to him, that the conversation with our other neighbors took place last night.

I have been finding it hard to live with myself lately. I've been over analyzing life. I'm trying to fast forward myself into the place that I want to be. I haven't been in the sun. I haven't been talking to people.

Yesterday was a good day. It was a day of venturing back into the life I want to lead. It was a day of dealing with things ... not just fretting about them.

It is good to be back.