I Got My 'Happy' Back!

I've grown quite accustomed to walking around and facing life with a smile and a sense of 'happy'.

Smile and the world smiles with you. It's true. When I walk around with my happy on, people are cheerful and open. Even when someone isn't outwardly glowing, I can usually find a crack in the veneer and feel a little of their inner happy.

Lately, I've been so glum that I've been annoying myself.

I have been walking around with a cloud over my head. I have been feeling powerless to make changes ... when I know that is not true. I have been hovering in between the state of action and fear. I have been doing nothing about my circumstances when I know that I have the power to take charge of these fears. But I have felt paralyzed in the state of indecision.

My Second Son sat down and had a talk with me. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. "I'm tired of looking at that mopey face!" ... he stated the obvious. "Well, I'm tired of it too!!" was my reply. "You are not impressing me" he said (of my lack of work ethic when it comes to handling his bookwork). "Well, I'm not impressing myself" I said (wondering if my other bosses are picking up on this as well .... hmmmmmm).

It was a talk I didn't need to have. Because I was already berating myself worse than another human being possibly could. But it was good to get the words out of my head and onto the table. And deal with them!

Once the words were unleashed, I needed to purge them from my mind. I needed to talk to someone who would not judge me or tell me what to do. The negativity within me was at toxic levels and I needed to release the words and emotions ... and let them go.

So I did.

Yesterday was the first day in a very long time, that I felt I had my 'happy' back. Not in a temporary dance or birthday induced state. I feel like "I" am back. The real me. The happy me.

I walked through a day of mundane bookkeeping work yesterday. At home. While it snowed outside. And snowed. And snowed some more. And lucky me .... even though I was doing a job that I do not enjoy, the words, "I love my job" passed through my mind. Even though I finally uttered (words that I have been suppressing) aloud to my mom an hour later, "I hate my job". Because I do. I really despise the inane tasks that I have been paid to do. On a regular basis. But yesterday? Even though I hated the work I was doing, I loved the fact that I was working from my home. It was something to hold onto.

The evening before, I had taken steps to make some changes. Baby steps. Forward steps. Steps that require energy and determination. But steps that could change my life.

I am making choices. To decide to do nothing or decide to do something. Either way, a choice had to be made. I am doing nothing (consciously) about some things. But I am doing something, about others.

I'm taking charge. I'm back in the driver's seat of my life. I got my 'happy' back!!