Sometimes You Just Need to Reboot and Start Over

I don't know what happened yesterday. I think that I overspent my word quota and started making errors towards the end of the day.

The morning went perfectly. I'm doing some of the leg work to try and co-ordinate a few different sets of friends to gather for some upcoming outings. This has spurred on telephone conversations and emails and it has been wonderful to touch base with everyone. Perhaps that is the reason I don't mind my new lot in life as 'organizer'.

Then I went to work and continued to do what I have learned to do and simply do the best with the knowledge and skills that I have. I think that I am approachable and I welcome comments, suggestions and feedback from my co-workers. I thought all was going well. Until ... I saw my name on a form that I later discovered was used to 'write up' unsafe work practises. I saw the employee who was writing it and noticed a few key words (my name) and drew a lot of assumptions. I was busy and didn't have time to process the information until hours after I got home ... but all I could think was, "Why didn't she just talk to me? And write it up afterwards if necessary" ...

I walked in the door after my four hour shift (that remained unchanged from the schedule!) and I had a message to return. I have applied for Employment Insurance. As a back-up plan. I'm available to work at both of my jobs and I have requested two weekends off. Other than that, I am ready, willing and able to work seven days a week to do what it takes to get me through the summer. It is my hope that I will not need to make a claim on this insurance. But since my hours at my first job will be minimal in September and October, I just wanted something to help ease the uncertainty of my future.

I am not sitting back on my laurels and enjoying a summer holiday. That was Plan A. Best laid plans often go awry as mine have these past few summers.

I had hoped to enjoy the month of August last year. I had resigned from my position at the end of July and my anticipated start-date at the school was the end of August. The necessity of having a second job to subsidize the unknowns of my new position at the school took me down a path that I could have never expected and added a dimension of drama and stress to what could have otherwise been known as a week of holidays (according to Plan A).

Then I started my new job a few weeks earlier than I thought I would which was good. Life was great. All was going better than planned. Until ... a few months later when my world was turned upside down. I made decisions that were the best answer for me at the time. In looking back, I know that I made the only real choice that was available.

Now back to my present-day-world.

The call and the conversation that I had in regards to my insurance claim felt like one of an attack. My decisions were chastised and I was told that I did things wrong. I provided details that explained why it was the only choice that I could make. In providing those details, I was forced back into a place that I do not care to revisit. I was being attacked and my only defense was the truth.

I completely understand that people working in these departments must syphon through many applications and weed out the people that are trying to take advantage of the system. I know that they have to ask questions to determine the underlying truths of a situation and ensure that a claim is a valid one. I would imagine that they work with a variety of clients that make this inquisition necessary. I understand.

But what I don't see the need for is to start in on an 'attack' mode. My defenses were up and I had no reason to be defensive. I do not want or expect anything that I do not deserve. It is my nature to tell the full truth and nothing but the truth. And I did.

In doing so, I dug up old skeletons. I had buried the emotion and taken the lessons and moved forward. What if these skeletons now come back and haunt me??

I was feeling pretty emotionally charged when I got off the phone.

Then a few more friends called me back in regards to the plans we had been making and helped me out of the aftermath of the afternoon.

This is where I think that my quota of rational thoughts and carefully thought out words ran out. I hung up the phone after talking with a friend and reran the conversation in my head. I was aghast at a comment that I had made that had the ability to cut like a knife.

I called her back immediately and apologized. She was kind and understanding ... but she deserved an apology. And if I had a way to rewind the tape and redo that conversation my words would have never been spoken.

I was emotionally charged. I felt like phoning the places of business involved and leaving messages to explain myself and justify my words. I had done nothing wrong but I felt like I had to explain.

I took a deep breath and talked myself out of my thoughts. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Wait and see how you feel in the morning", were the words that got me through the rest of my waking hours last night.

I woke up this morning and knew that it was best to do nothing. I had apologized to the one person who deserved an apology. I had done all I could do.

The load was lifted off of my shoulders and my emotions were reigned in once again.

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for one's perspective. Kind of like unplugging that computer and starting all over again.

When in doubt, reboot and start with a fresh slate!