Use It or Lose It

My day of absorbing the world has been lost as one day melted into the next. I feel a quiet ache inside of me because I had nourished a part of myself that needed that day. And the benefit of all that was gained has been spent on 'life'.

I still have the notations that I made as life-as-I-know-it started to intrude on that little piece of serenity. I glanced at the words yesterday and they had lost their poignancy. I wondered where the passion that I felt at the time had gone.

Real-life is draining me at the moment. I look at myself, my life and the challenges before me and there is absolutely no reason that I shouldn't be able to shake myself out of this.

I don't want or need anyone to point out what I already know. No one could beat me up inside, any more than I already am doing to myself. I see where I am and I know the direction that I am headed. I know that it is not always a direct path from 'here' to 'there' and I am fine with that.

The wheels inside of my head are turning. There are restrictions as to what I can and cannot do with the ideas that are formulating. Even that-which-I-can-do is limited at the moment.

Our endless winter is playing havoc with my coping abilities. I have taken my daycare family on walks every day this week and it has been wonderful. The sidewalks are not 100% passable yet but they are getting so much closer. 

I need a sunbeam. I need to soak up the sun so that I can reflect it inward and get myself up and out of this place. It is so close. It is so very, very close ...

I need to find that-which-sustains me and use it. For if I don't use it, it gets lost in the reality of that which is 'life'...