Indecision

I started this post yesterday morning and the mere act of writing spurred me into action.

Yesterday morning, this is what I wrote:

I'm stuck in the land of indecision. It is my most unfavorite place in the world.

This land of an unguaranteed income seems to be wreaking havoc with my ability to make any choice.

I wrote this, walked away, did that which was within my control and my world shifted on its axis.

I started by listing all that I was feeling indecisive about and realized, there was only ONE item where I actually had to make a choice. Every other item was something I just had to decide whether "to do" or "not to do".

There was truly only one item that blocked the progress of all the others. I couldn't decide what to do.

This is what I did next:

I tiptoed out of my safety zone to ask a few questions and was met with silence. The silence paralysed me. In order to take the next step, I needed a voice to encourage me past where I was.

Do you know how it feels to know what you want but be too frightened to reach out and grab it without some reassurance that it is going to be okay? Or is it just me?

I like back-up plans. Always have. Always will. If I really, really wanted to take a step forward within this cone of silence, I needed a plan.

With every "brave" decision I have made, I've always had a back-up plan. A safety net I could fall back on if necessary. As I sift through my memories, I can't remember a time I actually used that net. I just knew it was there so I forged on in a forward direction knowing if I fell, I wouldn't fall far.

I have left an unhealthy marriage. I have picked up and moved my young family to a brave new world. I have raised my children on my own. I left a comfortable financially stable job so I could work for myself. I went back to school. I rerouted my career at age 50. I wrote a book. I have done more brave things in the past eight years than I have done in the 46 years which preceded them.

But I always had a safety net. Always.

So I rethought my choice yesterday morning. At the top of the list, was "the decision I had to make". Under that heading were numerous items which could empower me to make that choice.

I made some calls. I gathered information. I acted.

I completed a job I started three months ago. I responded to an opportunity to increase my monthly income. I made a decision in regards to my writing. I started looking at the world around me to find ways to enable myself to make the choice I wanted to make.

I wrote a list and ticked off every item on it over the course of the day. Suddenly I felt back in the driver's seat.

I have taken that which has been dragging me down and I conquered it. I empowered myself by doing that which could be done. I did what I could do myself and called in the experts for the rest.

I have made my decision. I am going to go ahead and get a new living room window. Yes, that was the decision that stopped me in my tracks.

I'm still a little bit nervous about this spending spree I have been on lately but I truly believe if I start from where I am at and build on it, I can support this decision.