Eking Out a Life

Anxieties are creeping up on me again. Twenty more minutes before I must walk out the door to work. Month end expenses have me thinking about my cash flow. Columns are due again. To continue or quit my extra-curricular writing? Daycare challenges. The job of living life just feels "big".

On the flip side, I have been meeting some of my financial challenges by cashing in on Air Miles, reward points on my credit cards and I finally dipped into my Christmas gift money to cover my extra curricular spending of late. It has been fun spending money without spending actual money.

I seem to face my financial demands head on and things have a way of working out in the end. I know "barely eking by" is not going to work for me in the long haul. I need to work on decreasing my debt load and accumulating some savings.

I typed those words and stopped.

Suddenly the memory of the "frugal me" flashed through my mind and I shut down. The time of great spending and loosening my purse strings correlated with a time of great change and revival for me.

I have to get past the idea that spending money equates to a state of happiness. It is one thing to spend what you have left over, after you tend to some long term financial planning. It is quite another to overspend and wrack up your debt load to the maximum you can carry.

Perhaps that is why I feel so bogged down right now. My spring renovations have exceeded what I should have spent. I have not left myself a "safety net". If I fall from the precipice I am standing on right now, I could land flat on my face.

I have a financial forecast that looks much better than my present day situation. I just have to weather a few sparse months and I'll be just fine. I always am.

I think the biggest demon in my life right now is "time". If I wake up early to grab what I need, I have nothing left in me after 6:00 p.m. Talking to people, going out or planning anything after 6:30 feels like a weight has been placed on my head and I'm sinking fast. The challenge of "walking three times a week, without my daycare family" is absolutely overwhelming to me. Where will I make/find the time to do that??

My time is up. I must do hard things and leave the house. Again. My challenge will be to do as many other hard things as I possibly can while I am already out of the house so I can wrap myself up in my cocoon tomorrow.

This is not living. It is getting by. It is existing. It is eking out a living but not living a life. Something has to change. It all begins with that person I face each morning in the mirror. I'll have a talk with her later.