Permission to Do Nothing, Be Nothing, Expect Nothing

I walked into this fully uncommitted day, granting myself permission to do whatever I pleased. All day. No guilt. No expectations. No self recriminations.

If I wanted to watch TV all day, that is just what I was going to do. If I wanted to fill myself up with garbage (intellectually, spiritually, physically), so be it.

This was my day to be who I needed to be. I simply didn't want to "be" anything to anyone else. Except perhaps our cats. And maybe my children, if necessary. I could do hard things. I just didn't want to. Not today.

Do you know what I wanted the most? Silence. No television. It was too noisy and too demanding. Wow! I gave myself the green light to spend a day immersed in a Gilmore Girls Revival, but it was too noisy? I could have had a Movie Marathon day but I didn't want to participate. I gave myself the freedom of allowing myself to do whatever I chose to do. I chose "quiet".

I sat in the living room and was soon joined by our cats. Watching our felines is akin to staring into an ocean for me. Those two black hairballs hypnotize me with their antics and the beat with which they swing their tails.

I read for a while. I nodded off to sleep for a few minutes. My son came upstairs and we chatted. Not long, not heavy. Just some light "cat chat". I've missed that.

Eventually, I made my way outside. I puttered. Just a bit. I tidied up a few areas of the yard which are off limits to my daycare family, so I never tend to them during my daycare days. I don't want to draw attention to areas which the kids may have never noticed they wanted to enter. It felt so good to enter a "kid free" zone of the yard and revel in it for a while.

I sat down on our old swing (we have a new swing which requires assembly and today was simply not a day I wished to waste time and energy "assembling") and I simply gazed at our yard:

Our totally maintenance and kid-free "zen area" to the left, is just like walking into a living room. I actually take my shoes off so I can enjoy walking on the artificial turf. It is soft and clean and it seems like it would be bug-free to boot. I want to set up a couch and TV and live there. There is something incredibly peaceful about knowing it is an adult only area. 

Then I gazed at the rest of the yard. I love the simplicity. Grass and a trimmed down lilac bush. All we have to do is mow the grass and our work out here is done. It is perfect for my daycare. A deck area, lots of grass with room to run and play, a huge driveway for bikes and chalk, with a side order of a playground and sand box (with a few play houses to boot). 

The sky is completely blue. The birds are singing. 

The cats are lounging on the deck (well actually Ray is pacing a little bit. He noticed a bee in the grass a while ago and after his bee sting a few weeks ago, he has a respectful fear of bees now).

Life feels good. Serene. Quiet. I've spent all the money I dare spend for the rest of my life, so the maintenance season is officially over. All that's left to do is clean, organize and rid ourselves of some of our excess. There always seems to be a sense of "too much" around here. Too much clutter, too much noise, too much "week". Then comes Sunday...

Sunday is my most favorite day of the week. It is the day I give myself what I need to push through the week ahead. The only thing that could make Sunday better would be if it was "catered". What I wouldn't give for someone to show up with supper right about now. 

A girl can hope, can't she?