I See Life

La-lah-bah-de-dah .... for the first time in a while ... I see life.

A part deep inside me writes those words and thinks I need to write really fast. Write while the iron is hot. Write before this feeling goes away.

But there is a deeper sense of "knowing" that is reassuring me. It is telling me to relax with this thought. Feel it deeply. Hold onto it. Let it settle deep into my soul. Because ...

I am entering a brand new chapter within this little life of mine.

Winter was hard. It was so hard. The shortest days were my longest ones. The lack of sun in the world around me paralleled the lack of sunshine within my thoughts.

The timing of tying up the loose ends of Mom's estate coincided perfectly with the longest, shortest and coldest days of winter. It was the perfect storm.

After a year of simply "doing the next right thing" without thinking too hard about where things were going, I suddenly stopped knowing what to do.

I had to stop and simply feel all I had been warrioring through, throughout the year past. Emotions caught up with me. And I felt them. Hard.

I felt sad. I felt lost. I felt lonely. I missed Mom. I replayed "The Year of Mom" over and over and over again in my mind.

Our last real conversation continues to haunt me. "What is your ten year plan?", she asked me. "You do know that your "bread and butter" [income sources] are both over the age of 80, don't you?"

Yes, Mom's words echoed throughout this relentless, hard, cold winter.

Then I wrote.

I sat down and wrote here just a few days ago. I reminisced about a year when I worked from home. I remembered how empowered I felt, knowing my work was right here under my own roof. I was my own boss in many ways. As long as the work got done, it didn't matter WHEN it got done.

Be careful what you wish for.

I wrote those words. I remembered that year. I was at peace in knowing "there will be a way ... some day".

Within hours of me picturing a reality I could feel at peace with, I was asked the question, "Would you [one day] move the office into your home?" I simply said, "Yes". I had thought it out before I knew the question would be asked.

This will happen. One day. There is a quiet knowing within me that says, "Don't wish for this to happen any time soon", but a deeper sense tells me "Be prepared".

Last year was preparing me for this year. I'm not ready for another year like the one I just put behind me. I will leave our home, go to work and be grateful for each and every day I must do so.

A new chapter is unfolding. It's not all good. It's not all bad. I know I will be ready for whatever unfolds. I just hope I have the tools to guide me in the best way possible.

I choose "life". Despite the harsh realities of life and dying. I choose "life".

For the first time in a while ... I see life. [Sung to the tune of "I See Love" ~ Mike and Molly's theme song]