Off to Work Another Day

I watched a short "Goalcast Video" featuring Stephen Hawking on Facebook yesterday morning. I had no idea he had died until I heard it on the evening news. I was suddenly aware of how much of his story I had actually absorbed (I am afraid I'm going through a bit of a "saturated sponge" stage at the moment and an awful lot of important information is not soaking in).

This morning, I found more of his quotes and became more aware of who he was and how he persevered through his health challenges. What I remembered from what I read yesterday is that he was given a prognosis of living two more years (I have since read four to five years - don't quote me on these statistics) when he was diagnosed with ALS. He was determined to make the most of the time he had. He lived 55 years after his diagnosis. And lived those years fully.

Three of Stephen Hawking's most important pieces of advice:

 "One, remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. 

Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. 

Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is rare and don't throw it away."

I can't help but think of the words I wrote here yesterday. I was feeling overextended, mentally exhausted and feeling the need to create boundaries to make my current work situation feasible to continue in the long run.

I woke up this morning to read Stephen Hawking's words of advise on work:

"Never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it."

I fully concur. I have often joked that my retirement plan is to work until I die. As the calendar pages fly by and I find myself gainfully employed with no end in sight at the age of 57, I stopped thinking that was funny. I have become overwhelmed with the thought. "I don't want to work forever ..."

I have also realized I need the structure of work, the satisfaction of having completed a feat set out before me and knowing I'm contributing something back into the world around me. I appreciate I have been given the gift of a job that may be the answer to all I am seeking.

I just need to find a way to adjust my thinking and see what control I have over what feels out of my hands at the moment.

My need for organization and "white space" within my work environment is huge. It is very hard to work in an office that is not my own. I have great respect for how others work best and I do not want to overstep my boundaries and organize someone else's work-in-progress.

The idea of eventually working out of my home had my mind fast forwarding the situation at hand, thinking of the day when I would be in control of the clutter, the paper, the excess and my need for a clear and empty work space.

Add the frustration of learning that I have so very much more to learn and no idea how long I may have to learn it and it became the "perfect storm".

I am hyper-aware of how fragile life is. Mom died. She bounced back from everything life threw at her until last year. No one is invincible.

The correlation between losing Mom and the idea of my boss not living forever has created an emotional vortex in my subconscious mind. I try to think logically and act accordingly but my emotions sometimes get the best of me.

Put all of this together and you have my state of mind when I lost my cool at work a few days ago. 

I must walk back into the arena this morning and find a way to regain a sense of control over the situation. I feel like I did back in my daycare days when the challenges at hand made me ask the question "Do you want to quit? Or do you want to fix this?" I chose "fixing" every time (until I quit. Twice). 

I choose to fix this. I know there is a way. 

Ask for what I need - I will offer to work longer hours in lieu of having one weekday off per week.

Organize what I can - at the moment, not only is the work space around me too cluttered to concentrate, but my basket is in a totally "out of control" state.

Ask, learn and absorb - every morsel of information I learn is of utmost importance.

Be grateful for every mistake I make - I need to learn these things. Now. 

Communicate - an open line of communication is the key to everything. I need to talk. I need to listen. We need to put our heads together. We are both in this together and the only way "out" is walking through it.

There is some guilt at play here. I know my battle is minor in comparison to what my boss is going through. She is fighting the fight of her life right now. Plus, she has got deadlines looming all around her and an employee who is reaching their limit. I have added to her worries which is the last thing in the world she needs.

So I must wrap up my morning at home and carry on. It is better to face the fire than walk away from it. It is the only way ...