I want to describe in detail the "mountains" I've climbed, the days I've endured, the math puzzles I have helped decode in the long and winding road until today. I shall spare you the details but I just want to sing aloud "I DID it!!" I have made my way through another long and arduous (four day?!) week. Yay!!
I guess I get to describe myself as semi-retired, don't I? I work for people who say "yes" to everything I ask. My work weeks are flexible. Basically, I work only four days of the week (with my eye on the prize of a "three day" week).
I work like I don't need the money. I am not driven by the almighty dollar and I like it that way. My finances survived a year of being fully available to pick up and leave at any time. I spent money driving to my destination. My pay cheques reflected the lack of working hours. It was a tough year on the budget. But I managed. I always do.
This year, I have no reason to bail out on a work day. Yet I have done so. "I just need [want] a day off of 'everything' ", I would say. And the day was granted. "I need a snow morning [or day, but I settled for a morning]". My wish was granted once again. "I just need to stay home today...". No excuse. No alibi. And the answer was "Yes, and I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?"
I have next to no demands on my free time yet I continue to soak up those moments, savor them and wish for more.
I have found the energy to say "yes" again. I have not yet summoned the energy &/or courage to "ask". But I can say yes. Not all the time. I have some boundaries "Week days deplete me ... can we wait until a weekend please?" Yet, if I don't have to think about it, plan for it, write it down so I don't forget it and arrange my energy levels to survive it, I CAN still say "Yes" to a last minute diversion.
My finances recovered from last year's decline in income and excess in travelling and car expenses. It happened the month after my last trip to Mom's. It was quick. It happened without forethought or budgeting. It was a simple math equation: A regular work week + No extra-curricular travels = A balanced budget, with money left over at the end of the month (which will be absorbed quickly when I receive my income tax statement of accounts).
My energy and ambition levels have not replenished themselves quite as quickly. I feel like a sponge that cannot absorb water and all the time I have had to try to replenish my energy levels has felt like I have been filling a pail with a hole in it.
There IS something that is starting to stir within me though. The ease with which I accepted an invitation and "challenge" to invite others to join in an upcoming lunch date surprised me. Once again, there was no time to think. It was as simple as "Yes!" and "Yes, I will ask the others". I didn't allow myself to think. I just DID it.
Overthinking is (one of) my biggest downfalls. Yet the lack of thinking ahead has paralyzed me into doing absolutely nothing with any of the free time that comes my way.
I need to reform some good habits. Goal setting overwhelms me. Procrastination has overtaken my ability to persevere.
I'm doing the hard stuff. I'm getting out of the house (a challenge unto itself) AND putting in an (almost) full work week. The daily requirements of running a house and keeping on top of laundry, cat chores, (minimal) grocery replenishing and (barely) keeping atop of the cat hair IS being accomplished.
I just need to push myself to do one or two "hard things" per weekend. I'll see what I can do about that. But in the meantime, why all I can think of is how much I want to adopt a border collie puppy AND go on a vacation where I simply sit and absorb nature?
I do believe it is because my Dream Gene is starting to come alive again. Everything good starts with a dream. I feel it coming ...
P.S. I have talked myself out of adopting a puppy until after I satiate my need to vacation AND when I am able to work out of my home again. In the meantime, our fiesty black kitties continue to fulfil my need to battle pet hair and remind me that pet ownership is not all fun and games.
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