Turning 50 is Not For the Weak of Heart

I require a full night's sleep and fresh, morning thoughts to write about this one. But this little video clip will give you a preview of a blog post coming soon:

I have the best family and friends in the world.

In the mean time, this is an informal 'Thank You to the Good People in my Life':
(a brief commercial message (sorry) precedes the most appropriate song for my thoughts today)

Bargain Store Beauty

Our dance formation team is performing our routine once again tonight, so I had to go through the paces of trying to 'beautify' myself.

This .... is what 5 hours in the 'salon' and $264.44 looks like (when we performed at 'Ballroom With a Twist' a few weeks ago):

And this ... is what I look like tonight, after 1 1/2 hours in my very own 'salon' (aka: bathroom) and a new tube of mascara ($11.65):

Things that make me go hmmmmmm .....

Dear Sweet Sixteen,

(I am writing a letter to my 16 year old self this morning, after reading this blog)

Dear Sixteen-Year-Old-Me,

I'm going to write you a letter. A letter that you won't fully understand or believe until you actually live your life. It is a letter that could change your life .... but the question is: "Is that a good thing?"

In about three months, you are going to meet a boy. He is going to notice you and yes! ... he will pursue you. Yes! You!!!

It's a heady thing - to finally have someone notice you! He's two years older than you and you will fall head-over-heels for him.

Most people in your life would tell you to run for the hills and never look back. I'm not telling you that - not even after all that I know today.

This boy will teach you a lot. You see the world through rose colored glasses right now. Those glasses will be ripped off, trampled on, tossed aside and you will never see the world quite the same again. But it's okay. Trust me ... these are lessons you need to learn. And believe me when I tell you that you will find some rose-tinted glasses that are ever so much better, to replace those that were lost.

I would love to tell you to walk away when the going gets tough ... but if you do, you will lose two of your children. That is an enormous sacrifice. So even if you knew what this path had in store, I couldn't tell you to high tail it and run. You lose something in this particular relationship ... but you gain more.

What I will tell you is that you cannot change anyone. All you can change is how you react to them. You teach people how to treat you. If you act like a door mat, you will get walked on. If you believe you are unworthy, you will attract people into your life that help make that prophecy come true. You cannot change him. He is who he is. Stay true to yourself.

Remember that the people in your life will not live forever. Appreciate the here and now. You will never regret telling someone how much you care or what an impact they have made on you and your life. Never hold back the positive. Put a voice to it and you will be amazed how it all comes back to you.

You will suffer a great loss early in your adult life. Life and death do not unfold as we expect. There are surprises at every turn. Treat everyone with care ... because you never know what news a phone call will bring.

You will endure heartache, loss, betrayal, disillusionment. You learn to expect this from some people ... but others will surprise you. Trust me when I tell you - the harder you fall, the greater you rise.

You will find friends for each season of your life. Your friends are beyond special - but I don't need to tell you this. You have already made some 'forever friends' and you will walk with them at your side throughout the ups and downs of your life. But you will continue to make friends where ever you go. Remember this. There will be a time when you don't believe it. You have yet to meet some of your best friends ...

Every single time you feel like you don't know where to turn, family will be there. Every time. You don't even have to ask ... there is a sixth sense when it comes to family. They will come to you, even when you don't know you need them.

If I could turn back the clock, the only thing I would change is to make sure my loved ones knew how much I loved them. Love is a verb. You don't have to say the words to communicate the emotion. Act in loving and respectful ways. Always. You will never regret it.

Bon voyage! You have quite a journey ahead of you. You will not only survive ... you will thrive.

Live life well. Be kind to yourself. And I'll see you in 34 years!!

With love,
Your 50 Year Old Self

Where I Am Meant to Be

I have been struggling with my new 'career' choice.

The hours (or lack of) ... the unreliable pay cheques ... unpredictable days ... and do I even really want to do what I'm doing!?!

It seems funny that the lack of benefits, holiday pay and pension is really not even a concern. I learned long ago that the benefits of raising my own child and being the kind of mom that I want to be was a benefit that far outweighed dental coverage and sick days.

None the less, these past months have been a challenge that I wasn't expecting. So I've struggled.

I have questioned if I am just being lazy. Maybe I should get a 9 - 5 job, Monday to Friday (if a job like that exists any more) and enjoy the benefits of a secure pay cheque, paid holidays and a few of the luxuries a stable job provides.

But I keep going back and trying to make this 'new life' work. Even after last month's experiment where I made a conscious choice not to obsess about the instability of my pay cheques, I have come up fighting. I am determined to keep with it and see this through. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just know there is!

Despite this valiant effort to talk myself through this, I have many doubts. They were all relieved a few nights ago as I was saying good night to My Youngest.

He said to me, "It seems like you are never home any more ....". Immediately, I cringed. The truth hurts. I have been gallivanting around a lot lately. Between Zumba, Bellyfit and dancing I seem to be flitting from one activity to the other all week. I knew the day of reckoning would come.

I went on to admit that I have been out a lot and was prepared to have a chat about this. And he cut me off to say, "No - it's not that. You are never here when I come home from school any more. I come home to find a note ..."

What? I have been here, there and everywhere after supper (for a few hours at a time) ... and what really matters to him is that I am home for him after school?? My after-supper-life doesn't bother him (as long as I'm home before he has to go to bed)!

His wants are simple. He's had a mom that has been home for all 12 years of his life. And he still wants that. Our conversations after school are almost non-existent. A brief acknowledgement between us, I may or may not ask about his day or if he has homework. Basically nothing. But I am here (sometimes).

Immediately, my doubts about this career choice were alleviated. I work an unpredictable schedule. I have no idea what my pay cheque will be at the end of the month. But I am striving to work from home to 'be here' on the chance that My Youngest may need me.

I am where I am meant to be.

Two Days In ...

Today is November 3rd. Two days of this bright and shiny new month are behind me. So far, so good ...

I marvelled aloud at supper time last night "It's November 2nd and we haven't had take-out food yet!". October was an all time record bad month in our take-out world. I recorded 20 entries in the 'take out' column where I record my spending. Twenty!! Granted, two of those were 'going out for milkshakes' and one was for coffee. But without even trying to think very hard, I know that I was treated to a restaurant meal at least twice (make that three times, now that I've had a moment to think about it). Twenty is pretty accurate. So to go two consecutive days in the new month without dining out is rather miraculous.

I have worked an average of 8.5 hours per day so far this month. Once again, this doesn't sound like anything too special until you take into account the fact that I averaged about 5 hours per day for the month of October. My goal is to work 10 hour days ... but I'll settle for 8. So far, so good.

I have allowed myself some small indulgences in the two days that I have seen in November. But both are bought and paid for. My credit card balance is 'zero' and I did not borrow from Peter to pay Paul to accomplish this. I have completely messed up my budgeting system (I usually have a credit balance on my credit card at the beginning of the month and use it like a chequing account) to do this, but for now this will have to do. I will be accountable and careful with my spending this month.

My other big goal for the month was to become motivated. Working a full 8 hour day, eating home cooked meals and regaining control of my spending has done wonders for my frame of mind. I have things I need to do and the energy to do them.

Then again, I am only two days into the new month. I hope that I'm setting a trend for the 28 days that follow ...

Caught!

I have been leaving a trail of forgetfulness behind me lately. For the most part, I have been the only one truly aware of it (though I'm sure my Second Son will vouch for the fact that I'm wrong with that assumption).

I was going along with the illusion that I was wading through the sea of absent mindedness alone until ... I got caught.

Let me rewind the tape:

Thursday night, a friend dropped off a gift in my mailbox. I didn't find it until Friday. Though when I did stumble across it, I was reminded of the conversation that we had earlier in the week, when she called to tell me that she would leave this in my mailbox on Thursday.

I immediately thought "I should email her to thank her and let her know that I received this ..." and then who knows what thought crossed my mind after that. But whatever it was, led me down a trail that is becoming all too familiar these days.

Fast forward to Sunday:

I received a gently worded email from this friend, asking if I had received her gift. I was embarassed and aghast at my oversight. It was simply a case of bad manners! 

I had left her gift on the kitchen table - following the logic that no gift may be used, worn or spent until the giver of the gift has received a formal 'thank you'. I should have left this reminder-to-self on the computer desk to remind me to email her. Immediately!

So I quickly responded with my sincerest apologies for my terrible manners plus an explanation (though that is still no excuse!!):

These days I seem to lose my train of thought in between destinations. I leave the bathroom & leave the light on to remind me that I must vacuum the floor ... then I remember I must empty the garbage too ... so I go to the kitchen to collect a bag for the garbage and empty the garbage from the kitchen too, but first I remember that I must throw that load of laundry in the dryer ... which reminds me I forgot to clean the cat litter ... half an hour later, I walk by the bathroom which still has the light on and I remember "Oh yes!! I must vacuum the floor ... but first, I must empty the garbage ... ...." and I'm off again. This goes on all day!

I didn't 'leave a light on', but I did think to myself when I received this package, "I must thank my friend so that she knows I received her gift ..." But then I may have found a scrap of paper with 'notes to self', reminding myself that I had to update my time sheet ... which reminded me that I needed to update in my cheque register .... and I was off on another tangent.

I have been very conscious of my tendency towards amnesia ever since. I've been leaving myself more notes and clues to remind me of what I need to do, and when. I zipped through this morning's chores and was quite proud of the fact that I seem to have woken up with all of my marbles intact.
 
But I really must end this blog post right here and now. I have left the bathroom light on again. There is something else that I must remember to do ...

Turning Over a New Leaf (and a new calendar page)

This is it! I must write quickly, get my Mom's letter mailed, lunch made and be on with my day!!! November is the month that I pull up my socks and work 8 hour days, spend only what my budget allows, cook meals and become motivated!!!

October?? That was an experiment. Apparently, an experiment gone wrong.

I lived in the moment, stopped worrying about the budget, went with the flow and savored the moments. I thought at the end of that 'experiment', I would have discovered the secret to living well. I didn't.

It all started going terribly wrong last week.

The end of the month was looming and my credit card balance escalated to new heights. Not heights that it hasn't seen before. It simply soared beyond my means.

The end of the month arrived and not only did my bookkeeping work never pick up last month, but my motivation to work descended to an all time low. I could have worked this past weekend. But I didn't.

October was a write off in many ways. I knew I would have to compensate for that in November. So I thought I may as well 'enjoy' the last few days of un-motivation, overspending and laziness this past weekend.

Big mistake.

Hello November! I am so glad to turn the page and find a bright and shiny new month. Let's see what I can accomplish in the next 30 days ...