It is Time ...

It's time to deck some halls and turn on some 'holly jolly'!

Christmas Eve is three weeks from today. What can I do within that time frame to get into the holiday spirit?

I can write some letters and send some cards. The Christmas card exchange has always been my favorite part of the Christmas season. Last year I cheated myself out of what brings me the most happiness. I must send cards this year.

Lights and a little bit of Christmas glitter. I don't like too much. But I like a little. I love turning on the Christmas lights at night and early morning and leaving all other lights off. It makes me happy. Lights are easy. I will put up some lights.

Music. I enjoy my Rosie's Christmas CD's and have a holly jolly time singing and dancing away to the sounds of music. Music will play in the background of my life.

Gatherings. The gathering of friends and family brings joy to my life. At Christmas time, spring time, summer time ... any time. Being among people is a good thing any time of year. So why not add that to my Christmas wish list?

Giving. That which costs little or nothing has always been what gives me most pleasure to give. Gifts from the heart. Gifts that cost more time than money. I have initiated my new Christmas goals this year ... I am shifting my focus of my gifts. But I am still giving.

Yes. It is time to open myself up to the wonder of the season.

An Uncomfortable Week

This past week wasn't fun. But now that I'm on the tail end of it, looking backwards ... it was okay.

My adaptability skills were taxed to the max. From last minute changes, to finding work-around solutions when I ran into walls, to being tossed into brand new situations without assistance, to learning a new realm of 'skills' ... I'm still standing at the end of it all.

I didn't have the oomph to push myself out the door in the evenings. One night was enough. The second night could have been better, but I didn't have it in me to try. There was a Zumba Master Class Wednesday night, with my favorite Zumba-couple. But I didn't commit myself. So I didn't go. I even slept through my regularly scheduled group dance classes last night.

I wasted utilized a lot of time in the middle of the night, fretting about mapping out the upcoming day. I had run through the upcoming scenarios of the day enough times in my head before the day began, that it was like a trial run. So the reality went fairly well (after practising how it would go in the wee hours of the morning).

The first week, of my three week position is behind me. Next week will be better. By the time the third week comes around I may actually feel a small bit comfortable in this temporary role.

Only to have to start over all over again at the next school(s) that I will be assigned to.

This experience is teaching me something that I need to know. Flexibility, adaptability, the ability to think on my feet and utilize my reasoning and problem solving powers to their max.

I'm learning as I go. I'm still standing. I'm still trying. As much as I feel like throwing my hands in the air and giving up, I feel pretty good about wading through the discomfort.

Coming out the other end of an uncomfortable week, I feel a tiny bit like 'Rocky' after he took a beating in the ring, but picked himself up and wouldn't quit.

It is weeks (months) like these that build one's character. I must have needed a lot of rebuilding, because the lessons just keep on coming!

Sleep

I fell asleep at 7:00 p.m. last night and missed the opportunity to go to a dance class.

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning unable to sleep because my work day was flashing before my eyes.

I cannot wait for the luxury of this upcoming weekend where I can follow the natural rhythm of my body and simply sleep a quiet and dreamless sleep.

Not a sleep to avoid what I do not want to face.

Not a restless sleep because I am anxious about the day ahead.

Peaceful sleep. A sleep where visions of sugar plums dance in my head.

Restorative sleep. After putting in a full day of life.

I'm ready for the weekend. Only 12 more working days until Christmas (I think ... working as a substitute, one never knows for sure).

I can't even count 'days left to work' to lull myself to sleep. Because I don't know. I don't know anything these days.

I'm tired of not knowing. All I want to do is sleep ...

Deactivating My Emotion Chip

Quote from Star Trek:

Lieutenant Commander Data: Captain, I believe I am feeling... anxiety. It is an intriguing sensation. A most distracting...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data, I'm sure it's a fascinating experience, but perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now.

Lieutenant Commander Data: Good idea, sir.

[beep]

Lieutenant Commander Data: Done.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data, there are times that I envy you.

My emotions are getting the better of me these days. I think it is time to deactivate my emotion chip.

Waking up in the middle of the night because I think that I know what I will be facing the next day is a waste of good sleeping hours.

Feeling powerless over a situation triggers all sorts of emotions. Unless I can take what I am feeling and utilize it to regain some control over a situation, the emotion overrides common sense.

As Captain Jean-Luc Picard says, "...perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now".

Good idea, sir.

Month End Numbers

"Work like you don't need the money" ...

It is a good thought. But I must admit now that the end of the month has arrived, my head is 'all about the numbers' this morning.

How will I fare on a part time wage? How is stat holiday pay calculated? Will I be disciplined enough to save holiday day as it is paid out on each pay cheque? What will my pay cheque be??? I must wait a week before I get an answer to all of these pressing questions.

Will I be working at all over the Christmas break? If not, that is two weeks of unpaid vacation. Vacation - I like. Unpaid? I can do it, but I'd rather not.

I have been spending cautiously this month. Not an all-out spending freeze, but we are definitely not replacing or fixing 'that which is broken' around here. The list is growing.

I'm adding things up and things look like they should be fine for December. It is January that concerns me ...

Things can change in a moment. One full-time, temporary position could alleviate this pay-day-stress. I'll take temporary ... I'll take working every day at a different school if I must. I just wish I knew what my pay cheque was going to look like for the next few months.

This is not new. This is how I have lived most of the past 13 years. But this is the first time that I have felt like I have no control over the outcome of my pay cheque. I just have to keep saying "Yes!" to every opportunity to work, cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Now it is time to get out there and earn my keep.

Then ... I Went Dancing

Not to be undone by a day that had the means to undo me, I pushed myself out of the house, out of my comfort zone and into brand new territory ... and went to a bar that offered free dance lessons.

A friend and I have been talking (but not doing anything) about this for some time. Last night we forged ahead with our plans and went.

We got there early and at first glance it appeared that there were several men and a few couples in our midst. Then the dance lesson started ... and the men cleared out.

It was all couples. No spare dance partners. My friend said to me, "It's a couple's world ..."

I hate to admit defeat (again!), but it appears that she may be right. I just want to dance. I don't need a pro-dancer. I just want some one who enjoys music, has fun dancing and is willing to try.

I woke up this morning determined to take out an advertisement "Dance Partner Wanted". I don't need or want the complications of anything more ... but it is getting tougher and tougher to grin and bear it.

I am so tired. Tired of fighting these waves on my own. Tired of sitting out when all I want to do is dance.

It is no wonder I sleep all of the time.

Treading Water

I've been trying to turn this 'subbing' gig into an adventure. Truly, I have!!

As much as I love being able to work in one school for days or weeks at a time, when I get called into a new school unexpectedly I think of it as another brand new slate. A new school to check out. Meeting new people. Having the opportunity to see how other school offices operate. Another school to circle on my city/school map as a school-that-I-have-worked-at.

Yesterday, I was backing out of the garage when my phone rang. Change of plans. I would be going to a different school than I thought I would be when I stepped out of the house. Oh well. An adventure!

Since I got the call late, I arrived a few minutes late. I called in to the 'Help Desk' to advise them of the last minute change and they couldn't do anything for me because it would be undone at 8:30. Just wait. I waited. An hour later, nothing worked. I called again. They had no record that my school destination had changed ....

So once again ... I was working without the programs that I needed to do my job. I couldn't print off a class list for a substitute teacher. Not only because my computer program was not functioning yet ... but because I had no idea where the photocopy machine was. I am (just now) finding out the limitations of my email program ...

I rolled with the punches. Did what I could. Smiled and introduced myself to the staff as they came into the office.

Then I accidentally grabbed an extra sheet of paper off of the printer when I took what I had printed. When I realized my error, I delivered it to the correct person ... but only after the words (something to the effect of) "employee appraisal" crossed my vision. Shortly thereafter, the principal mentioned the need to rectify an oversight (the substitute that didn't have a class list) earlier in the morning and reference was made to reporting to the person that hired me.

Whoa! Suddenly, I felt stripped of any false security that I had been faking this past month (or three). I am working without a net. I am on my own. No one has my back until they hire me in a permanent position.

Today, I am headed off to work at a school where I will be on my own. For the better part of three weeks. I know where I'm going. I may not know what I'm doing when I get there, but computer programs should be up and running since I am going where I am supposed to go today.

Then (minutes ago) the phone rang. The automatic dispatch system called me to the school I worked at yesterday. I refused the assignment because there is no one else at the school that I have already been assigned to today. I felt guilty refusing an assignment but there were no live people to talk to so I called and left messages with those that I thought this affected.

Three weeks at one school. Three weeks of (hopefully) no last minute changes.

I am desperately trying to make the best of the situation that I am in. It isn't easy, but I am doing my best. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope without a net. That has never been one of my strong points.

It feels like a sink or swim situation. I can swim. I just need lessons!