The Year Gone By ...

I flipped back through the calendar pages of 2011 to see if I could come up with a fun and witty recap of the year almost behind us, as an enclosure in my Christmas cards.

I got to March. March was the month everything changed.

March 9 - I was introduced to 'A Man'. My ex-husband's sister introduced us. It was a welcome diversion from all that was happening around me. But I let the past encroach on the present and had flashbacks where they didn't belong. My emotions were running high ... and as it turns out, that was not a good week to meet someone new.

March 9 - the day that Mom called and gave me a clue that all was not well with her. Her health gave us a scare. At the time, we had no idea what was happening or where things were going to go. It was frightening. It shook me to my core. In the state of not knowing, I knew one thing. This time was different. Mom wasn't saying anything to set off these alarm bells within me ... it was just me. I was grasping the fact that life-as-we-know-it is something that can change without notice.

March 10 - the second Friday in March is when I talked with my employer and found out that 'the rules had changed and no one bothered telling me' and my work-from-home had evolved into a work-out-of-the-home job. I was doing the same work ... but from the lonely attic space of a diesel work shop. I didn't see it coming.

March 10 - I was on the fifth step of a six step process to earn a Group Fitness Instructor certificate. I never did complete the practical part of that exam. I stopped in my tracks when I learned that simply memorizing Zumba choreography and teaching that wouldn't be enough. I had to know what I was doing enough to choreograph an hour of fitness instruction. I never did jump over that hurdle.

My dad's family's book. The plan was: to complete Step 5 of the 6 Step process of the Group Fitness goal. Then concentrate on the book throughout the remainder of March, April and May. I would have the first draft of that book complete before I went on my Alaskan Holiday. I didn't.

It all happened within the second week in March. One week transformed all of the months that followed.

Mom's health bounced back, but I never did regain the momentum that I had created prior to that. Life-as-I-knew-it stopped in its tracks.

Fear of failure took over my consciousness. Uncompleted tasks started eating away at my sense of purpose. An unsatisfying job situation eroded what was left.

I put on my blinders and coasted through the months that followed. I savored each and every family gathering, holiday, retreat and life's unexpected moments. The weeks before, during and after my Alaskan Holiday were heaven on earth. The family reunions, celebrations and occasions were plentiful. I savored each gathering and continued to enjoy the ride. The ride ended when we returned home from our final family reunion.

July 11 - I started my new job search in earnest. July 18 - I gave my current employer two weeks notice. July 29 was my last day at my place of work. I walked out of that job without having another to take its place.

The next day, I was hired at a 'transitional work place'. It was never my intent to make that job a career. It was an end to a means. A source of income that would allow me to wait for the job of my dreams to come true.

I started to work there Aug 3. I was hired at the job-of-my-dreams Aug 8. My last day of work at my transitional job was Aug 10. The first day of the job-of-my-dreams was Aug 16.

The job-of-my-dreams has not been without its sleepless nights. The learning curve and challenges have been vast and varied. I am sixteen weeks into this job and I still have the new-job-jitters before each day begins.

Why am I having trouble writing Christmas cards this year? I have much to be grateful for. This is a year that will be the starting point of many great things in the years that follow.

Two uncompleted goals are haunting me this past year. I did not finish what I set out to do. I cannot forget that. I have unfinished business to tend to.

There is always 2012 ...

It Felt a Little Like Christmas

A home cooked meal of ham and scalloped potatoes had this house smelling like a home yesterday afternoon.

The house was lightly decorated for Christmas and gave off the aura that someone who loves Christmas lives here.

A candle was lit, music played softly in the background (though it was not Christmas carols) and mocktails were offered with supper.

It was My Oldest's last Sunday Supper before he leaves on a five-week vacation. It was a nice send-off. It wasn't a pre-Christmas. It was just a regular Sunday Supper with a calming backdrop of the season, tasty food aromas and a lightness of heart.

Conversation was easy, the food was good and the clean-up was next to none.

Why is it that a turkey meal (and all the fuss, mess and bother) is synonymous with Christmas, when a simple ham and scalloped potatoes meal leaves the cook free to visit before, during and after the meal??

I believe the last turkey I will ever cook is sitting in the deep freeze at the moment. It has lived there for the better part of a year. It has been frozen the entire time. He makes me grumpy every time I see him. I wish he was a skinless, boneless, fat-less hunk of meat that didn't need to be cleaned/stuffed/baked long enough to cook him (yet not so long that he is all dried out) ... then carved and cleaned up after the meal, with the potential of adding further stress to an already maxed out day by turning the turkey bones and scraps into soup.

Blech. Turkeys! Now that I've had my turkey-rant, it feels a lot like Christmas!

Christmas Lights ... Make me Happy

My favorite Christmas area of the house. The China cabinet is filled with gifts from friends and family throughout the years. Oh, the stories that go with each one of these ornaments.

I have many angels ... this year, I sprinkled my angel family throughout the kitchen and living room.This one has a 'space of her own'.

Christmas greenery and white lights. I would be content if this was the extent of my Christmas decorations.

My little 2 1/2 foot fibre optic Christmas tree, completely unadorned is the best $4.99 I've ever spent.

(this was the best picture I could get ... the lights perpetually change color and at no point will this tree stand still for a photo)

A Christmas lit staircase, with a stocking representing each one of the family.

I decked the halls ... and I am happy!!

It is Time ...

It's time to deck some halls and turn on some 'holly jolly'!

Christmas Eve is three weeks from today. What can I do within that time frame to get into the holiday spirit?

I can write some letters and send some cards. The Christmas card exchange has always been my favorite part of the Christmas season. Last year I cheated myself out of what brings me the most happiness. I must send cards this year.

Lights and a little bit of Christmas glitter. I don't like too much. But I like a little. I love turning on the Christmas lights at night and early morning and leaving all other lights off. It makes me happy. Lights are easy. I will put up some lights.

Music. I enjoy my Rosie's Christmas CD's and have a holly jolly time singing and dancing away to the sounds of music. Music will play in the background of my life.

Gatherings. The gathering of friends and family brings joy to my life. At Christmas time, spring time, summer time ... any time. Being among people is a good thing any time of year. So why not add that to my Christmas wish list?

Giving. That which costs little or nothing has always been what gives me most pleasure to give. Gifts from the heart. Gifts that cost more time than money. I have initiated my new Christmas goals this year ... I am shifting my focus of my gifts. But I am still giving.

Yes. It is time to open myself up to the wonder of the season.

An Uncomfortable Week

This past week wasn't fun. But now that I'm on the tail end of it, looking backwards ... it was okay.

My adaptability skills were taxed to the max. From last minute changes, to finding work-around solutions when I ran into walls, to being tossed into brand new situations without assistance, to learning a new realm of 'skills' ... I'm still standing at the end of it all.

I didn't have the oomph to push myself out the door in the evenings. One night was enough. The second night could have been better, but I didn't have it in me to try. There was a Zumba Master Class Wednesday night, with my favorite Zumba-couple. But I didn't commit myself. So I didn't go. I even slept through my regularly scheduled group dance classes last night.

I wasted utilized a lot of time in the middle of the night, fretting about mapping out the upcoming day. I had run through the upcoming scenarios of the day enough times in my head before the day began, that it was like a trial run. So the reality went fairly well (after practising how it would go in the wee hours of the morning).

The first week, of my three week position is behind me. Next week will be better. By the time the third week comes around I may actually feel a small bit comfortable in this temporary role.

Only to have to start over all over again at the next school(s) that I will be assigned to.

This experience is teaching me something that I need to know. Flexibility, adaptability, the ability to think on my feet and utilize my reasoning and problem solving powers to their max.

I'm learning as I go. I'm still standing. I'm still trying. As much as I feel like throwing my hands in the air and giving up, I feel pretty good about wading through the discomfort.

Coming out the other end of an uncomfortable week, I feel a tiny bit like 'Rocky' after he took a beating in the ring, but picked himself up and wouldn't quit.

It is weeks (months) like these that build one's character. I must have needed a lot of rebuilding, because the lessons just keep on coming!

Sleep

I fell asleep at 7:00 p.m. last night and missed the opportunity to go to a dance class.

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this morning unable to sleep because my work day was flashing before my eyes.

I cannot wait for the luxury of this upcoming weekend where I can follow the natural rhythm of my body and simply sleep a quiet and dreamless sleep.

Not a sleep to avoid what I do not want to face.

Not a restless sleep because I am anxious about the day ahead.

Peaceful sleep. A sleep where visions of sugar plums dance in my head.

Restorative sleep. After putting in a full day of life.

I'm ready for the weekend. Only 12 more working days until Christmas (I think ... working as a substitute, one never knows for sure).

I can't even count 'days left to work' to lull myself to sleep. Because I don't know. I don't know anything these days.

I'm tired of not knowing. All I want to do is sleep ...

Deactivating My Emotion Chip

Quote from Star Trek:

Lieutenant Commander Data: Captain, I believe I am feeling... anxiety. It is an intriguing sensation. A most distracting...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data, I'm sure it's a fascinating experience, but perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now.

Lieutenant Commander Data: Good idea, sir.

[beep]

Lieutenant Commander Data: Done.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data, there are times that I envy you.

My emotions are getting the better of me these days. I think it is time to deactivate my emotion chip.

Waking up in the middle of the night because I think that I know what I will be facing the next day is a waste of good sleeping hours.

Feeling powerless over a situation triggers all sorts of emotions. Unless I can take what I am feeling and utilize it to regain some control over a situation, the emotion overrides common sense.

As Captain Jean-Luc Picard says, "...perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now".

Good idea, sir.