Walking Through the Fire

I pushed myself out of the house tonight to attend to an evening sponsored by My Place of Employment.

I have over-committed myself lately and I have been allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by the unknowns of my future.

I let triggers of past events supersede common sense today and I came home with my confidence level at a (recent) all time low.

I had absolutely no desire to push myself into yet another new, uncomfortable experience tonight. Going to this event alone and walking into a room of 1,000 people to find my table and sit with the staff that I barely know was not exactly high on my wish list.

Yet ... I had a feeling that I would gain far much more by attending this event, than by staying home and retreating within myself.

And I was right.

The evening was perfection from the moment 'Go'!

I met up with someone I knew as I walked from my car to the event. It was so good to see a familiar face and we chatted easily as we walked several blocks to our destination.

Our staff was all sitting together at three separate tables. I was comfortable from the moment I sat down and conversation came easily.

Supper was divine. I don't relish the idea of fine dining and foods that I don't recognize. Our meal was simple (chicken and vegetables), yet elegant in the way it was presented. It tasted as good as it looked. The dessert ... was decadent!

Then came them moment we were all waiting for. Our keynote speaker. I hate to admit that I knew little (if anything) about our much anticipated speaker. He inspired me in ways I haven't been inspired for a very long time.

He stated simple facts. Yet they spoke to the heart and soul of me.

He talked of the basic needs of human beings. Once our basic needs have been met (food, shelter and clothing), we all have one universal need. We need to matter ...

As I have spent the better part of this year trying to find my way in this new career, I have felt lost. In my position as a substitute secretary, I have moved from location to location. I have not felt like I have made a difference. I have not felt grounded. I have felt 100% dispensable in my role. It has been very unsettling.

But the tides are turning. I have a half time position until the end of June. I will return to the same school 2.5 days out of 5 for the next two months.

I was invited to this event tonight by the principal of this school. I felt as though I sat among friends tonight. They have made me feel as though I mattered since the moment I walked through their doors two weeks ago.

This is a pivotal time in my new career. I have been given an opportunity. A chance to walk through the challenges that defeated me in the past and persevere.

It feels like I am walking through fire at times. I could get burned. But if I keep on walking and don't stop when the heat is on ... I will be okay.

'What I Have' vs 'What I Need'

I used to have so much to say here. Lately, it has been a struggle. It feels like I am running out of words.

In reality, there are no fewer words, thoughts or ideas than there have ever been. It is a matter of having the ability to speak them aloud and bounce them off of people.

I have a lot of social interaction in my days. Work. Home. Friends. Family.

My mornings aren't long enough any more. My days are full. I can't stay awake long enough in the evenings to cocoon myself in that quiet place that I enjoy.

And now I must venture out of a life that already feels too busy and make myself available to work evenings and weekends. This is not the goal I had set out for myself when I changed career paths.

What will I have left at the end of a day when my day becomes longer than I want it to be?

I feel greedy. I don't want to give up the time that I have left over at the end of my days. But I don't see another answer.

I have added a dimension that I need into my life. Friends and family. I don't want to lose what I have. Earning enough to pay the bills must be a priority.

Marrying for money is one alternative ...

... I guess I'll have to keep working.

You Can Fool Some of the Cats Some of the Time ...

My Youngest as - 'Tabaqui - the jackal from "The Jungle Book"

Andre - our cat "Who is that masked man ('Tabaquie' - see above)???"

Friends again ... My Youngest was hesitant to approach our cat until Andre figured out he knew the boy underneath the makeup!

Making a Difference ... Making Memories

In two months, My Youngest child will graduate from elementary school. The fall will bring a brand new set of challenges in a brand new world.

He has quietly made a difference this past year ...

His goal was to have perfect attendance for his 8th year of school. One of his classmates has had perfect attendance since Grade 4. My Youngest decided to make this year his year of perfect attendance. And (to date) he has.

In December, he wanted to buy a 'Candygram' (a fundraiser for his school) for everyone in his class. It was simply something he wanted to do because this would be his last opportunity to do so. He paid for the gift out of his own money. Acknowledgement and attention weren't the motivating factors. He simply wanted to surprise his class. And he did.

Last term, he brought home a report card that was hard to beat. I complimented him on his accomplishments, improvements and the comments his teacher made. Our 3-Way conference with the teacher was an easy conversation. He couldn't be heading into high school on a better note.

He has simply been a 'good citizen' throughout his elementary years. We chatted about some of the ways he has been a positive influence for those in his school world. He told me that he tried to be a good role model for our daycare family throughout the years that I babysat. And after that time, it just kind of 'stuck'. It has become second nature to him to treat others with kindness and to be the best he can be.

Today, I am have made arrangements at work so that I can attend his last performance in an elementary school play (a musical "The Jungle Book"). He knew from the onset, that he did not want a singing part. But he wanted to participate and has a speaking role ("Tabaqui" - the jackal). He thoroughly enjoyed acting in the play last year (he was "Prince Charming") and wanted to include this final performance in his list of accomplishments for his graduating year.

He is one person. He has made his way quietly through his years at school. He makes a small difference to a a great number of people. He realizes that this year is one that he won't get back and he is living it in the way that he has set out to do. He is making memories that he will carry with him into the years ahead.

When kids go off to live their life at school, they become unique and separate entities from their family. They make their own way and create their own memories.

My Youngest is wise enough to realize that he is the one who can make this year count. I am fortunate that he shares these little thoughts with me and he has quietly made me realize how important that it is that I am witness to some of the memories that he is making.

The Words Will Come ...

My head is all over the place these days. Life is busy. Life is good. But I miss the quiet place in my mind where 'words that matter' come from.

My thoughts are a-flutter and I can't seem to settle on one dominant theme to carry me through a blog post. Do you want an example of the free flowing thoughts in my mind at the moment?

• A friend that I want to go and visit. Visions of her and her mom are prevalent in my thoughts this morning. I must call her.
• Another friend that is undergoing her second dose of chemo this morning. Warm and healing thoughts are going out to her.
• An aunt (Mom's sister) that is in the hospital waiting for tests and results. Mom is concerned ... my thoughts are also with her.
• Work. I am challenged in my new temporary position and loving it. I am booked to work today at a different school. My week is almost full. This is good. But it leaves little down-time to follow through on 'all of the above'.
• My second job. I live in fear of that phone call that will dictate where my life goes from here. Working evenings and weekends is not something that I am excited about. They were supposed to call on Thursday. They didn't. I should call. But I am busy working ...
• My writing. I have columns that I am now responsible for. They have expectations that I have the ability to live up to. But not right now. At this moment I can't pin my thoughts down into one cohesive story line. My mind is blocked and the words aren't coming. I thought this would pass. But it isn't.
• The family history book I am perpetually putting off. I need to discipline myself. I need to do this! One page at a time...
• Which brings me back to work. I am responsible for the bi-weekly school newsletter. This responsibility came with learning a new Microsoft Publisher program; the need to be creative with titles and make the content exciting and easy to read; and proofread, proofread, proofread! My first edition went out late yesterday afternoon. It was a struggle. Next time will be better. I know I can do this but I'm freezing up.
• Home. I need to find the desire and ambition to wash a window or two or seven; clean that which doesn't show; and pull out the fridge to retrieve the carrot that now lives there thanks to our kitten-like-cat (who decided the carrot made a pretty good puck was brushing up on his hockey skills).
• Exhaustion. As long as I keep moving, I am full of energy. The moment I sit still I fall into a deep catatonic state of sleep which paralyzes me (thus the lack of cleaning and writing!).
• A stomach which is sensitive to all of the above. I missed supper last night and by the time I got home my stomach was hurting. I ate and then it started cramping. I woke up this morning and fed it and it is stirred up by my nerves as I face my work day; the possibility of receiving a call which will initiate my evening/weekend work; and all that I should be doing with the hours left over in this day.

Don't get me wrong. I am content and happy with the changes that are transpiring in and around my life. Life outside of my home and head has become busy. I am engaged in the act of living these days. Family, friends and people in general are more important than the little thoughts that I think and the quiet little life that I'm accustomed to living.

But I do miss that quiet little oasis within my mind. Solitude grounds me. I need to make room for my quiet place and the words will come ...

Living a Weekend to the Fullest

I don't know how long I have before I will be scheduled to work at my second job. I was expecting a call last week but it didn't come. So I have been making the most of my evenings and weekends while I have them.

This past weekend was pretty much ... perfect.

I woke up Friday morning with a purpose. I wrote a list of things to do first thing in the morning. If I didn't get called into work, I had a plan.

I didn't get to work, but I kept busy.

I had two emails that I wanted to send. That was the most important order of business so I did that first thing. Then I picked up the phone.

One call led to the next ... and the next ... and the next. One conversation would remind me that I wanted to talk to another person. That conversation reminded me that there was someone else that I should call. One forgotten birthday reminded me of another missed birthday so I called that person too. I talked on the phone all morning.

Then came my errands. I didn't have to do a lot but it filled the rest of my afternoon. By the time my car was turned around and headed home, I realized that I was ending my errand-day at the same time that I would have ended my work day. It was a very good feeling to fill my 'working hours' with things that mattered.

After supper, I was out running one last quick errand and I found myself a block away from a friend's home. I dropped by and we had a nice little visit. It was a perfect end to a perfect day.

Saturday was much the same. Less people, but one thing led to the next and the next and the next. The day was filled up with an appointment; a few phone conversations; an afternoon class; a visit and back home to enjoy the evening.

I couldn't believe it when Sunday unfolded in the same fashion. I had a feeling the day could slip away on me so I started my day by coloring my hair. The phone rang and I chatted until the color had to be rinsed out of my hair. I showered and the moment I was done, breakfast was ready and waiting for me. A leisurely breakfast and coffee transformed into an afternoon with a friend and a visit with my aunt before I made my way home again. Supper was a joint effort and came together effortlessly and was a pretty tasty end to a most flavorful weekend.

I had a few things that I wanted to accomplish last night. Most evenings I would have succumbed to exhaustion before I completed my mission. But I got my second wind after My Youngest went to bed and finished what I set out to do before I called it a day.

Unfortunately I didn't do any cleaning or make headway in some of the unfinished projects I have around here. But I lived each moment of the weekend to the fullest. I won't look back and regret weekends like this one.

It was a weekend where every moment counted.

Good Things Come ...

It is said that "good things come to those that wait". In my experience, it is more than just waiting.

Good things are all around you. Even in the darkest of times there are small miracles that make a difficult moment more tolerable. A moment of joy mixed in with a day of sorrow can make all the difference in the world.

Good things that matter  -  a quiet mind, a happy heart, a life of peace and joy, people that matter and a sense of feeling safe and secure in your world -  are the things worth fighting for. Material possessions come and go. Every human being deserves inner peace and harmony. Find yours. Fight to keep it in your life.

Good things are relative. In a time of joy, it is human nature to look beyond the moment and strive to bring more into your life.

In challenging times, look outside yourself and find a lifeline. Something to hold onto and pull you back to safety. Faith and the belief that there is a Power greater than yourself to pull you through the moment. You never know when the tides will turn. You don't know what is around the next corner. Just take it "one day at a time". "Let go and let God". These are the quotes that got me through my darkest moments.

Never give up!

Because good things come ... eventually. They really do.