Who am I Kidding?

I am over thinking every little thing these days. Why? Perhaps because I have the time to do so.

Why am I not writing? Why am I so tired? Why am I so unmotivated? Perhaps ... it is simply because I am lazy.

Energy begets energy. I haven't been expending much energy lately. Thus I feel rather lackadaisical about life.

Nothing is wrong. But I'm not creating days where everything feels exciting and new either.

I may have gotten used to living a life-in-transition. I kept moving along, hoping that the doors that I was walking through would get me to where I wanted to be.

When I finally found my way back home and knew that was where I had longed to be all along ... I relaxed. I am very good at relaxing.

I just have to pry myself out of this comfortable spot and stir things up a little to create a little bit of interest, energy and enthusiasm.

But not just yet ... who am I kidding? This feels kind of good at the moment.

Masks

At the retreat that I attended on the weekend, we talked about the masks that we wear as we go about our day-to-day living. At first, I had a hard time recognizing my masks. Then I remembered the fake-it-til-I-make-it mask that I donned for the better part of last year.

As I went about my days at work, I was completely shocked when someone made a comment to the effect of "You are so calm", while on the inside my anxiety levels were running at an all time high. I was floored when even my mom mentioned to another family member (about a job that I quite detested) " ... but I like the way she is handling it". That was the job that penetrated the last of my reserves.

What I was most proud of, was when I wrote my way through a few months worth of the job that broke my spirit. I recognized the no-win situation that I was in at work, so I didn't devote energy to fighting what I could not overcome ... but instead focused on the small ways that I could make myself feel like I was making a difference. I refused to give energy to the negative, so I wrote about the positive.

I had a very astute friend who read between the lines and called me to talk me down through the worst of times. But I was getting the feeling that this was my battle and my battle alone to fight. So I fought it the only way I knew how. I secured my mask and just 'kept on swimming' ...

When that job ended, no one saw it coming. I had deflected my reality and had fooled those who knew me best. I was actually rather proud of the fact. Me, who usually wears my emotions on my sleeve. I had donned my mask and succeeded in protecting those around me from feeling all that I felt as I walked through those days.

My writing became more guarded. I started siphoning my thoughts. The free flow of words from my brain to my fingertips started to become less of me and more of the mask that I was wearing.

Then I started writing for a few papers. There was a (remote) possibility that a reader could follow me to this blog. So I continued to weigh my words and tread very carefully. This is not altogether a bad thing because (at first) I tried to weed out the inane thoughts that found their way to my blog. But in blocking the inane, the deeper thoughts became caught up in all that was left unwritten.

I have been fighting to find my words for quite a while now. Perhaps some of that fact is because I have stopped living fully. Finances, insecurities and my deep desire to cocoon myself within the warmth and safety of my home has overridden the side of myself that exists outside of these walls. But I know that the bigger part of the battle is because I censor myself so much more than I ever used to.

The masks that I wear have penetrated my writing. My writers block is quite possibly just that. A blockage of censored words stopping the natural flow from my subconscious mind to the keyboard.

I know that I need a place to let my words run free. Without restraint. Without worrying what anyone would think. Without censor.

It's just that I seem to be running low on words lately. I'm afraid of wasting the few words that I do have left ...

Is it Friday Yet?

Just kidding ... it is really not that bad. It is not bad at all. It is just that the day didn't get off to a good start.

My Youngest was up at 5:30 a.m. with a nose bleed. Due to that nose bleed, he threw Kleenex in the kitchen garbage. Due to the noise from the cupboard door, my Second Son woke up. When my Second Son wakes up due to noise, he is not a happy camper. Thank goodness he had snow to shovel to cool him off ...

My Daycare Family started arriving. Everyone was later than normal. My first family hit a cement guardrail en route to my house. Thankfully it was just her fender/light. No one was hurt. Nor was another car involved. And she could continue on her way and arrive to work (close) to her normal time. Not a good start to her day either ...

My third daycare child never did arrive. Her mom called a little while ago and said she wouldn't be coming this morning because she isn't feeling well. This started Saturday night. Last week, her mom cautioned me that 'everytime her daughter gets cold, she gets sick'. We went for a walk Friday morning. Somehow I get the feeling that this is my fault ...

I called to renew a prescription. My doctor is away. I must call my pharmacy and have them fax my doctor's office. The pharmacy is still closed ...

I called to set up an appointment with the furnace cleaning company (Sears) that I had the last time. I had several furnace service people compliment them on their job after it was cleaned. So I wanted to ask them back. I couldn't find them in the yellow pages, so I decided to call Sears anyway to try and find out who they would recommend. First call - "We don't service Your City any more; here is a 1-800 number ..."; Second call - "We don't do that here but I'll transfer you to our H Vac Division"; H Vac Division said, "You've got the wrong number; here is the one you need"; Fourth operator - "We don't service Your City any more ..."; and I was back to square one. I told her this so she took my name & number and will have someone call me back.

I feel like crawling back into bed and hiding under the covers this morning. I am getting the feeling that I am not alone in feeling this way today.

"Happy Monday!"

A Day of Reflection

I don't seem to have words this morning. I must have used them all up yesterday. It takes a good kind of energy to spend 9 1/2 hours among strangers that feel like friends ...

It was a thought provoking day. A good day. A day to dig deep. A day to share. A day to listen. A day to care ...

I spent the day in a room full of 'friends that I hadn't met yet' and felt the desire to be a part of such a fellowship. A group united in faith, support, friendship and caring. Then I took a step back out into the real world and I knew that my life is already full of everything that was within that room ...

I listened to stories about how people found their faith. The long and winding roads and I could relate. I have found that it is after times of great despair when I have had that 'out of body experience' and heard words of wisdom that did not feel like my own ...

I stepped back out into the real world and carried a piece of the day within me. I cocooned myself in my car and reread the letters that I had received from my children, my siblings, my mom and my friends. I spent the evening among friends. I came home and reread my letters again ...

I talked with My Youngest about religion and faith. I love that he has a questioning mind and does not simply take what he reads or hears at face value. He questions. He wonders. I love that about him. About my children. I believe when you question and utilize your own reasoning powers, you are better equipped to deal with all that life hands you. To follow without question is not the best path ...

Then I ceremoniously placed the mementos of the day in a special spot. When I think back upon the words that my family and friends put down on paper for me to read, what I will remember most of all is that I am becoming all I hope to be. I seem to be the kind of Mom my children want and need. My siblings consider me an equal and giving partner in this thing called 'family'. My friends value what I have to give as much as I cherish all that they reciprocate. And my mom? My mom is happy to call me her daughter ...

I will continue to attain to be all that those who touch my life believe me to be. I am blessed to have people see the best that I have to offer ... because the flip side could also be true if they were to focus on my shortcomings.

Ten Minutes at a Time

After a late night last night and a (relatively) early morning commitment ... I wasn't quite ready to leap out of bed when my alarm went off this morning. So I hit my (seldom used) snooze button. Ten more minutes ...

I hit it a few more times, each time relishing every moment of those ten minutes. Ten minutes passed quickly, but it was rather heavenly to give myself the gift of those ten minutes. Three times.

I became more coherent as my snooze time went on and I began to think of life in ten minute increments ...

When life has literally brought me to my knees and I've bowed to the pressures around me, I have let myself feel every ounce of whatever is hitting me ... and cry. I can remember the times. They stand out in my memory because life doesn't hit me with that impact on a regular basis.

As I recollected those moments (in the spirit of my Ten Minutes at a Time line of thought), I believe that it would be safe to say that I let myself go for no more than ten minutes at a time. For no more than ten minutes, I let myself become a vulnerable puddle on the floor. Yes, the residue remained much longer, but the extreme reaction? It hit a crescendo and subsided.

I recently read one cancer survivor's suggestion as to how to live day-to-day with a devastating diagnosis. They said to allow yourself one hour of the day to give in to all of the emotions you were feeling. One hour. A beginning and an end. Then carry on.

I thought of the many ways that life can become 'too much' ... overwhelmed with housework? homework? kids? work? overeating? Fill in the blank with whatever it is that is that is consuming you. Just think in ten minute increments.

Ten minutes of housework or homework. You will get something accomplished. Just take it ten minutes at a time.

A bad moment with the kids? Remember it doesn't last forever. Look at the clock. In ten minutes it will be different.

A bad day at the office? Just get through the next ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Do what you can. Or take a break. Breathe in. Breathe out. Yes ... it will still be there in ten minutes. But maybe if you walk away from the stressor for ten minutes, you will come back with a renewed perspective (or like my snooze button this morning, just hit it a few more times until you are ready).

Overeating? Put off grabbing that snack for ten minutes. Then ten minutes more. And on so on and so forth. If you are like me, you will fall asleep after a few rounds with the Ten Minutes at a Time rule.

Ten Minutes at a Time isn't the end all answer. But a person just has to do what it takes to get through a moment now and again. Most of all, it is a simple reminder that "this too shall pass away ..."

Committed

I woke up to the knowledge that my weekend is (almost) fully committed. It is amazing how that fact motivated me out of my usual state of idleness this morning.

My flyers were all delivered by 7:15 a.m. No procrastination. No dilly dallying. No excuses. They are done! I will have more papers to deliver after supper tonight. Then that commitment will be fulfilled for the week.

Tomorrow I will be attending a full day retreat. A 'Women's Encounter' ... I don't know exactly what to expect. I suspect each one of these events is different from the other and impossible to predict, due to the varying personalities of those in attendance. But I have a feeling that it is something that I need right now. I look forward to the day.

Tomorrow evening, I have plans to meet up with a friend right after this Women's Encounter. She is the person who invited me to this group, so I am sure we will have an interesting conversation after the day.

Sunday, I must go out to work at my bookkeeping job. I supposedly started working at this job the beginning of September. I was told that I would be putting in approximately ten hours per week. So far, for all of September and October (to date), I have worked four hours. I hope that once we get up and running, the hours will come ...

Even though the weekend is committed, I have my quiet time each morning, I will sleep in my own bed each night and I will be grounded by 'all that is calm' in and around our home right now. 

I am ready for this weekend ...

It All Started With a Batch of Pumpkin Muffins ...

I have been battling some minor frustrations in my new daycare provider role. Nothing that I can't overcome ... just little things. Like the small things that I used to be able to squeeze into my daycare day. like cooking, cleaning and baking.

The minute I walk into the kitchen, I have three shadows. Although I'm grateful to know exactly where they are and what they are doing ... I do not want them underfoot when I'm working around the oven. So I don't spend any more time than absolutely necessary in the kitchen (anyone who knows me would wonder what has changed!?).

Yesterday, I tried something novel. The minute lunch was over, I started combining the dry ingredients together to make some muffins. I did that quickly and without interruption, so I took a chance and mixed the wet ingredients together. Still uninterrupted, I mixed everything together and poured my batter into a loaf pan and a cupcake tray.

I did it! I baked something tasty (and a little bit healthy) for snack time. The house smelt like a home, my kids were happy and I was content. I finally did something 'above and beyond'. It felt a little bit wonderful. Then the phone rang ...

It was a prospective parent, looking for childcare for her 2 1/2 year old daughter, beginning November 1st. Our conversation was easy. She found me via one of my (many?) Internet advertisements. She acted like she knew me so I am guessing that she found her way to my website. I will meet her today. She said she would drop by so she could pick up any paperwork that I have and she would bring that with her when she brings her daughter to meet me (and my Daycare Family) tomorrow. It sounds very promising...

Fueled by the good vibes that the pumpkin muffin aroma was creating in the air, I decided to pick up the phone while my Daycare Family napped. I followed up on an email that I had sent off at the beginning of the month and struck a deal with the papers that I write for. It is official. I am a 'freelance writer' ... I have been doing this since March, but it was basically on a 'trial basis'. But now? It is real. < Insert 'yee haw' and happy dance here>.

I am not one for picking up the phone and dialing it. But I was on a roll. It has been almost three weeks since my sleep apnea test. I felt quite certain that no news was good news. Or if nothing else, that the test was inconclusive. But I thought I would confirm it. My doctor had been (and is still) away, so this isn't official. But the test came up 'negative'. I was pretty certain that it would. I believe I have honed the skill (developed the habit/ability) of falling asleep the moment my body and mind sit still for a moment. I was just glad to tick that off my I-wonder-what-will-happen-next list.

Then the phone rang. It was a parent that I used to babysit for. She was going to refer another parent to my daycare (unfortunately it was to take care of a one year old and those spots are full). Once we got 'business' out of the way, we had a most wonderful conversation.

The day was sprinkled with good news. It started out like any other. But the tides started to change the moment I baked those pumpkin muffins. I wonder what would happen if I actually tried cooking supper ...