The Building Blocks of Life

I've been doing some reflecting on the events of my life and how my life's challenges have all had a purpose. In looking back on 30+ years, it is plain to see how one obstacle in my life prepared me for the next. Had I known at the time what lied ahead of me, I probably would have curled up in a fetal position and gave up. Thank goodness I didn't.

The births of my 3 children each taught me what I needed to know for the next birth. I was 17 when my first child was born. I was young and naive, as was my husband. He came into the labor room with me and was ready to fight with the doctor. To see your wife in such a vulnerable position and have a male doctor tending her didn't do a lot for my jealous husband's state of mind. It would have been better if I was alone ...

And I was alone when my 2nd child was born. We were married, but our marriage was going downhill fast. He knew that I was in the hospital and labor was being induced, but he chose to steer clear of the hospital (thus me and our new baby) until the night after he was born. As much as I knew that he shouldn't be in the labor room, I would have liked him in the hospital. Here I was, with this brand new baby ... feeling all of those brand new parent emotions ... with not a soul to share them with. I was alone. And it was a very lonely moment.

By the time my 3rd child was born, I was on my own again. His father was not in my life for many months prior to his birth so I was prepared to do this alone. And even at the time, I was grateful to my ex husband for teaching me that I could do this alone. And by the time my 3rd child arrived, I was in the healthiest spot in my mothering career. I was celebrating my blessings and not looking for the father that wasn't there.

Then there was the marriage/relationship learning curve. I have had 2 major relationships in my life and I have given each of them 3 good tries before I gave up on them. And each phase in each relationship prepared me for the next.

My first marriage, I was innocent. I had the feeling that love conquered all, I believed in forever and fairy tale endings. The cycle of abuse that had started when we were dating worsened. By the time we divorced, I had lost that loving feeling and was learning that life isn't fair.

The second time that we reconciled and remarried, (for me) it was based on my guilt. From the time that we divorced to when we reconciled, he had turned to drugs to get him through the challenges of that time. I was strong and I was determined to love him back to the person that he was before. That is not a good foundation for a marriage. I stayed until I was depleted. I gave it all that I had at the time and I gave until I was empty.

The third reconciliation was based on my complacency. I felt that if I had the tendency to be attracted to this type of personality anyway, I may as well go with the person that I already knew. I knew what I was up against. This complacency lead me to Al Anon which was life changing. I finally learned to let go of the guilt and let him own his own problems. When we separated finally and for always, I felt the healthiest emotion I had ever felt in that relationship. Detachment. He didn't matter any more. I was out of love ... nor did I hate. I felt like I had been cured of that relationship.

My second relationship was based on friendship, honesty, respect, equal footing and equal caring. It seemed that this was the person that I had been meant to find. It started to falter when the balance shifted and I felt like he cared more and wanted more (marriage) than I did. I felt suffocated and inadequate. I wasn't a big enough person to be a fair step parent. I loved my kids. I didn't love his. That could only equal disaster in my eyes. I ran.

The second time that we got back together was fleeting. It was lustful, it was not based on anything strong and concrete. He had been devastated when I broke his heart the first time. Our 'future' was based on the dream of pursuing dancing together ... a life without our children as a focus. So when I became pregnant right at the onset of this very delicate and precarious position we were in, we were both thrown for a loop. He was depressed and I was alone in every way - physically and emotionally. I couldn't take care of all 3 of us, so I chose 'me and the baby'.

Our third attempt was based on distrust, fear and loneliness. We took very gradual and tentative steps. It felt like there were a lot of conditions to us being together. We felt together ... but apart on many levels. Very, very gradually he let me in to his world. Where things started to go wrong is still hard to decipher. I just know that by the end of it, I was depleted in every way. He tried to reach me with words but nothing changed (neither of us changed what we had been doing). He rebelled in the most hurtful and devastating fashion that lead to our final separation. I was hurt, angry, grieving, lost, lonely and the emotional aftermath had me 'running' for several months. The pain of it all, led me to my friends and family.

Ever so gradually, I was reborn. I found myself again and I started reaching out to friends and family ... and I was welcomed by them. I filled my life with people, goals and ambitions. And that ... has led me to the best years of my life so far.

The trials and tribulations along the road to this destination were the lessons that I needed to learn to get me to where I am. I'm certain that I have a lot more to learn in life, but with the foundation that I have within me I feel that I'm ready to learn some more.