I Overdid It

Yesterday, my coping abilities were nil. Small things felt big. I was overwhelmed by the kids. I couldn't get myself caught up on the work that I felt that I had to do. A little problem Kurt has been having with some friends felt like my problem and I was over reacting. I wanted to curl up in a corner and make the world go away.

Even as I was feeling these completely over the top and irrational feelings, I knew I was in foreign territory (although it used to be the norm for me). I was worrying about things that might happen - not what was actually happening at the time. I was wasting my energy on feeling these negative thoughts and fretting about things that may never happen. And does it really matter if my house gets dusted and the bathroom gets cleaned on Friday?!?!? Well, yes it does ... to me.

The more out of control my emotional well being is, the more I need order in my home. I need to be in an organized and clean space to relax. The correlation between an orderly work place and an orderly mind was implanted in my head at the very first job that I ever had. I've carried that forward with me throughout my working life. And now that I work from my home, the 'desk' that I need to keep running, well stocked and organized is the entirety of my home.

Order in my home = order in my mind. It works for me.

But yesterday ... I was over the top. There was something driving me that wasn't feeling healthy. The emotions behind my actions were not my regular coping mechanisms. What was my problem?

I was tired.

At the end of the day, I got my house in order, an errand run, I picked up Kurt (who had been at a friends) and brought him and his friend back home and I relaxed. I could feel the exhaustion seeping into my bones and when I relinquished all control and let myself go ... I slept.

It is amazing what a good nights sleep does for a person. I have granted myself a 'crash and burn day' this weekend. I supposedly have book keeping work en route to me today. More often than not, this doesn't happen. I have this horrible foreboding thought that today it will happen. No matter if my work comes today or not, I'm allowing myself the 'gift of a day'.

I felt like I have been in perpetual motion for 9 days straight. Every evening, every day, every moment, every thought had a purpose. Even scheduling 'down time' to watch my favorite shows wasn't quite refueling me like I needed. I need some time to just 'be'.

I overdid it.