Lessons From My Dad

As I am starting to collect memories from my dad's family in anticipation of compiling all of them in book form, I started writing down a few of the things that Dad taught me or told me over the years. It all seems so small and trivial - the life skills we take for granted and little habits that I have developed because of something he said. When it comes to anything mechanical or household repairs often Dad's words will come to me when I need them. His voice may be gone but his words are still within me.

It was after talking to a friend who is going through a devastating time in her life right now, that I truly understood the value of what my dad taught me over the years ...

I married very young and had my marriage lasted, my dad probably wouldn't have overstepped his bounds with my husband and taught me some of the most basic things. The very last time that my dad came over to my house, he taught me how to take a faucet apart. It was such a small thing, but I remember him commenting that he didn't know how far he should step when it came to these things because of how my husband may have felt about it.

There comes a time when you normally shift your dependency from your father over to your husband. It is very wise to become independent between those 2 phases and nowadays, with people marrying at a later age this probably happens more often. But it was common to marry young when I was a young adult and the independent stage was often missed.

In retrospect, I am so grateful for a husband that I couldn't count on and a marriage that couldn't survive. Because this happened when I was young, I had a fighting spirit and I believed anything was possible. I knew without a doubt that I could find a way to support myself. When the great big world of reality came crashing down on my shoulders, it was a horrible time. But as bad as it was, I knew that I would endure.

This is when my dad stepped in and taught me the most basic lessons. How to check the oil in the car, how to change a tire, when to get an oil change ... we talked about finances and debt ... we talked about household repairs, vehicle repairs and I could always call him if I needed him.

When my dad was alive, nothing seemed to cost more than $30 to repair. Even if the part was more than that, Dad would return the broken part and there was some type of refund ... and in my magical world it seemed that everything averaged out to cost about $30. I don't know if there was some subsidizing going on at that time or not. But it seemed with each repair, there would come some words of wisdom from Dad.

My marriage was a rather intermittent one and I was on my own as much as I was married while Dad was alive. In retrospect, I can see where these separations allowed Dad the opportunities to keep teaching me things. Had I got married and stayed married, I have a feeling that Dad would have stepped back and let me learn from my husband. And if I was lucky, I would have had a husband that taught me what I needed to know to be independent.

This brings me back to my friend who is starting fresh at 48 years of age. She has never needed to have a job that would support her. She does now. She went from 'daughter' to 'wife' without learning how to be independent. Her husband took over the 'manly duties' of the household and she didn't learn some of the most basic things. I would imagine that her father felt that he had to trust that her husband would teach her what she needed to know.

After our conversation had time to digest, I looked at her life and the road she has ahead of her. And I realized just how lucky that I was, to have the obstacles that I had in my life when I had them.

When you are young and resilient you still believe in the fairy tale endings. When you have been valued as a child, your self esteem will only take so much battering before you walk away from an unhealthy relationship. When your parents help you learn to become independent, they have given you the greatest gift of all.

I have learned as much and more from my mom, but being a girl I guess I figure that I would have learned that whether I was married or not. Much of what I learned was a combination of both of them. Their values and thoughts were reflected in each other and they taught many life lessons together, but apart. Not to mention the many things that Mom learned from Dad that she also passes along.

The lessons I learned from my dad were cut short. Maybe that is why I place such value on them. When I heard my friend tell me how excited she was to just learn how to check the oil in her vehicle and know when she had to take it in for an oil change, I went silent. These are things that my dad taught me. Some of the many things that I took for granted.

Life is full of lessons. A lot of those lessons are not valued until long after the fact. And some of our 'teachers' may not be around for as long as we hope.

As a parent, I wonder what 'lessons' my children will take and pass along. I hope that I am an image of my parents ... and I hope that influence is carried on in my children.