The Whisper of Discontentment

New jobs. New people. New expectations.

I put in a second shift at my second job yesterday. I kept busy every minute that I was there. I was told what to do. I did it. I was given more to do. All day. I was offered little tips and tricks to make what I was doing go more efficiently. It was a good day.

New people. Little whispers became louder as the day progressed. The morning shift against the afternoon shift. Different personalities. I was grateful for the fact that I knew none of the reasons for their biases. At one point I replied, "That is what I like about being new. I don't know anything about anyone."

In the fourteen years since My Youngest was born, I have not had a 9 to 5; Monday to Friday job.

I had my daycare where I had many, many personalities to contend with ... but they were young and impressionable. We went through many growing pains, but for the most part I never felt that there was an 'us' against 'them' mentality.

I had my Saturday job. When you work one day a week you aren't drawn into the office politics. Oh, I heard a few things that went in one ear and out the other. I enjoyed the adult interaction without becoming emotionally involved.

My year of schooling was a solitary time. We all worked independently and chit chat in the study area was quietly discouraged. I took a half hour break and never seemed to sit with the same people. There were undertones of discontentment within the school but I steered clear of all of that. Once again, I was an island.

Then came my at-home-turned-out-of-my-home bookkeeping career. Other than the input and direction from my boss, I was on my own again.

A person becomes accustomed to becoming a lone wolf on the work front. I drew what I needed from the people and environment around me but I appreciated not being drawn into the workplace dramatics.

I have been back in the work force for ten months. Eight of those months have been as an on-call substitute. I work all over the city, from office to office, with a new set of people and dynamics on a regular basis. Two of those months I worked within the same office and they were the toughest two months that I have yet to endure.

Office politics. Cliques. Talk behind one's back. Snippy and snide comments made among the 'team'. I don't get it. I do not want to become a part of that.

Five hours into my second shift of my second job and people were openly revealing their discontentment to me. My force field is up and I'm deflecting the negativity. But it is exhausting.

Ten months into this 'new direction' of mine ... and the more I see of it, the more I want to go back. Back to the world of working within my home and doing whatever it takes to pay the bills.

This morning I had a vivid dream. I was running my daycare again. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fun. But I didn't have anyone dragging me down. No whispers of discontent. It wasn't a walk in the park ... but compared to the past year? Given a choice ... it was where I would choose to be.