Where Did the Darkness Go?

It came in like a fog. I can remember a defining moment at the beginning of the darkness. The fog lifted but it never did entirely dissipate. It haunted me.

When life got quiet, the fog enveloped me. I wore it like a cloak and had little desire to peek out from underneath it.

But life doesn't work that way. Not mine. Not most people's. You have to continue on through the drudgery. One day unfolds into the next and even if there is very little distinguishes one day from the next, there are commitments to be met. Bills to be paid. Life goes on. With or without you.

There were days the fog lifted. In fact, I would think that it was gone. But it wasn't. It hovered above me and couldn't wait for those quiet moments to swoop back in and draw me back into the grayness. I liked it there. It was comfortable. I felt safe.

Work. Friends. Family. Responsibilities. Commitments. They wouldn't leave me alone. Life kept pulling at me and kept me from my safe little cocoon. I went through the rigors of life but I could simply not wait for the quietness to return. The desire to crawl back in under my blanket and stay there as long as I could never quite disappeared.

That fog stole so much from me. My confidence. My enthusiasm. My creativity. My joy. It was gone. I tried to fake it 'til I made it. But faking it takes an enormous amount of energy. It wore me out. I kept up appearances but it was exhausting.

I let it out in little bits and spurts. A comment here. A blog post there. Not much. I would not allow myself to be negative unless I balanced it with positive. For as much as I let out, I masked the darkness of my reality.

I felt it in my heart. Right at the core of my being. Fear. Apprehension. Exhaustion. An eternal feeling of being overwhelmed.

This was a crazy time to change career directions. But I did it. I desperately needed to succeed at something to start redefining myself and dig myself out of the hole I had fallen into. I had a very high success rate that was offset by devastating blows to my self esteem during this time.

What do they say about needing to hear ten positive things to offset one negative (maybe 'they' don't say that - I tried googling that information to see if my memory was keen and all I found was wikipedia's definition of 'Negativity bias')? 'They' were wrong. I let three circumstances (all work related) define me. I was surrounded by positive people, I found support from co-workers that was encouraging and appreciative. Family, friends and strangers were everything I needed them to be. But I had fallen into a hole of darkness and I needed to build myself up before I could climb out. No one else could do it for me.

When did the tides change? Sometime around the time I wrote 'A Work in Progress'. I set it free when I unleashed my honest feelings. I opened the door and let in the light. From the moment the words fell out of my fingertips that January morning ... I started to feel lighter. The fog started to lift and did not fall back down on me the moment I sat still.

I cannot define the exact formula for 'what worked for me'. I started focusing on gratitude more. I started reaching out more. I started reformulating my self worth from 'where I was at' verses 'where I had been'. I was honest with myself and put a voice to it. I researched depression and took heart at the words that spoke to me about my personal situation.

'Low grade depression' defined where I had spent the better part of the past several years. I found myself within that definition. I just (now) googled the words to try and find the reference that (I believe) turned the tides for me. I didn't find the original article I read, but this is what my google search found for me to start the search:

• "Pessimistic, grouchy, bored, blue? Chronic low-grade depression can feel so familiar you don't even know you've got it. But it's rampant among women and ..." by Tracy Thompson
• "Are You Secretly Sad?" - CNN.com

What I found, was within an article that was focusing on menopause and depression. The words I read fit me like a glove. I knew that this was 'my answer' because I had felt it once before. When I was taking birth control pills that put my body into early menopause. I was no longer the person that I used to be. When a relationship didn't survive that transition, I vividly remember him telling me, "I just want the 'you' that you used to be ..." Oh! How I wanted that too!! I so wanted the old me back.

So ... the relationship broke up. There was no need for the birth control any more so I stopped taking it. I fell into a deep abyss during that time, but eventually I found my way out. I reinvented myself, fell in love with my life, started making 'courageous' goals ... all at the same time that my hormones were gradually falling back into what they were before this medically induced menopause took over my life.

Finally! It all started to make sense to me. It wasn't all my fault. Something hormonal was at play ... and as much as I have never been one to blame PMS and hormones on the ebbs and flows of my coping abilities, I had to admit that the evidence was hard to ignore. The parallels between how I felt when I was in a medically induced menopausal state and the way that I was coping were pretty much identical. And I have reached 'that age' where menopause is right around one of those corners. Different triggers ... but my internal state of darkness was eerily familiar.

I followed the advice of the article that I read "Depression in Women" and talked openly about what I was feeling. I followed through on social activities (even though I didn't feel like it). I tried to focus on getting outside and get moving. I tried to regulate my sleeping hours so that I wasn't sleeping my life away. I have (for the most part) been succeeding in accomplishing some or part of these goals. And it is making a difference.

I think I am one of the lucky ones. When I went to Dr. Google and self diagnosed myself with the information that was available at my fingertips, I found that my symptoms were manageable. To me. Others have different symptoms, support systems, personal history and a myriad of other factors that make their answers different for them.

Depression hurts. It hurts from the inside. No one knows how bad it feels except for you. If you are hurting ... seek your answers. Life can feel better than it feels when you are cloaked in this invisible darkness that no one else sees or knows you are living with.

Open the door and let in some light. Don't feel like you need to do this alone. You are worth it. You deserve inner happiness and contentment. Whatever you do ... don't give up. Please.