Disjointed

The world through eye glasses is a totally different place to be.

I have had glasses since I was 6 years old. I should know of a life no different. But thanks to the world of contact lenses verses my recent attempt to get back to wearing glasses, there is a vast difference. At least to me.

I remember feeling disjointed and disconnected from the world a lot as a teen. There was a detachment from my brain and body and I perceived life ... differently.

I don't remember the exact time when this detachment became less noticeable but my instincts tell me it is when I got interested in life (boys) and started thinking outside of my own head. But at the very same time, I also got contact lenses.

Which brings me back to the point of my story. When you wear contact lenses (or don't need glasses to enhance your vision), you see the world through your eyes - not through the lenses of a pair of glasses. When you see life through your eyes, you have full peripheral vision. There is a feeling of seeing things directly, rather than through a pair of lenses set apart from your actual eye.

I have worn contact lenses for about 33 years. I wear my glasses after supper, if my eyes are sore or if I've lost a contact lens. I associate wearing glasses with times of rest or on an emergency basis only.

This past week, I have been sporting a new pair of glasses. All day, every day, as I try to adapt my eyes to the world of glasses again. It has been a very odd experience.

Number 1 - is the automatic relaxation/lazy/sleepy mode that I associate with glasses. I look at myself in the mirror and have the feeling that I'm ready for bed. I can fall asleep at any time once I'm in glasses. And I do.

Number 2 - is the 'ugly' association that I have of myself in glasses. I have honestly felt very ugly (since the last 'very bad haircut') the past few months. I never feel beautiful or even pretty. I usually simply feel 'okay' about the reflection in the mirror. And I'm okay with that. But after this sense of walking around feeling ugly, I was ready for a makeover. I thought glasses may work. And I think they did. Until my mom laughed at the Chuck E Cheese rendition of a pencil drawing of Kurt and me on the first day of our holidays (where I was wearing my old glasses and in my ugly hair) ... she said it didn't even look like me. I looked in the mirror and even though I was sporting my new, cool glasses and my newest attempt to try to grow 'past' this most horrible haircut in recent history ... I still look the same as that picture my mom laughed at. 'The ugly' phase is alive and well.

Number 3 - I don't feel like my new glasses are a good 'fit' for me. The eyeglasses totally interfere with my peripheral vision, they are much smaller than I am accustomed to so I am constantly pushing them up because it feels like I'm looking over them. So ... I've worn out the skin at the top of the bridge of my nose. Now it hurts to wear my new glasses.

Number 4 - is the detachment I feel when I wear glasses. It's back. I love looking at the world through contact lenses. It gives me the sense that I am seeing everything first hand - not through a set of lenses, which are set apart from my eyeball.

At the moment, I'm wearing my ugly, old glasses (which are comfortable on my face and give me the feeling of a full range of vision) because I wore my contact lenses yesterday until my eyes were red and uncomfortable (after a week's break from wearing them). I'm having a bad hair day and simply feeling disjointed, ugly and tired.

I would like to banish mirrors from my life. The reflection you see back in a mirror is not important. It's what's within a person that makes them 'beautiful'. But as I look at life this morning through my old, slightly blurry pair of glasses ... I am feeling ugly and disconnected. I think I'll try looking at life through contact lenses once again.

Giant Steps

‘Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.’
- David Lloyd George

As I look towards my decision to go back to school, I seem to be standing on the ledge of that chasm, looking at the giant step ahead of me a lot these days ...

I've had a few moments of the fear of falling (failing). But those pass quickly. I know that I can do this. I've done it before and I can do it again.

I've had many thoughts of the fear of abandoning the tried and true and taking a leap of faith towards the future. I can visualize the end result of this choice to continue my education. I can see myself walking the path to get there. I know that I am already well on my way (I already have a book keeping job ... how much more fortunate could I be?). I know that this step towards my future is a positive one.

I wonder if the 'other side' of this chasm I am prepared to leap is all I hope that it will be. I do have other options here on the safe side of the abyss. A job that I could return to - a 'guarantee' (if there is such a thing as a guarantee these days) of a set wage, good benefits and a pension ...

But I want more than a pension when I retire. I want a life. I want and need to continue to work. I need the structure and the deadlines that a job imposes, to provide the boundaries that define work and leisure. Getting an education and experience in the book keeping field will provide me that option.

As much as I enjoyed my holiday, by the end of it I was losing my ambition and drive. I didn't have appointments, commitments or a schedule to define my days. I wandered aimlessly through those days and wasted many moments. I thrive on the sense of accomplishment. That was sorely lacking on the last days of my vacation.

The more I think about this decision, the more I am convinced that this is the right road for me to take. It is leading me in the direction I want my life to go.

Yes, it is a big step. But I have complete faith that I can cross over the chasm and explore a new landscape.

I've taken many leaps of faith in my life. Every time I have chosen to redirect my life, it has been a victory. Every step that I took along the way has lead me to this day.

I have heard people my age all but give up hope at the idea of someone hiring them at this age. All I can think is "Why wouldn't they hire me?" I'm a reliable, hard worker with years of experience and I'm not afraid to keep on learning.

Success is the only outcome I see. So I'm not afraid to take this step in one huge leap. It is a leap of faith.

Snap Out of It!

I can't get myself moving in high speed and it is so frustrating! Words are stuck this morning and I just can't seem to motivate myself.

I could blame the transition from holiday to work. I could blame my new glasses (I've been wearing my glasses instead of my contact lenses) - I associate wearing glasses with relaxing. I could blame 'too much work'. I could blame it on the timing of the arrival of my work last night.

But the reality is ... that I'm not forcing myself to get moving. I feel better when I'm productive. There is a great deal of satisfaction in getting tasks completed and knocking things off of that never ending to-do-list.

It's time to snap out of it and get cracking. I've got a lot of work to do before school starts on September 1st. It is time to create a momentum which will carry me through the days/weeks/months ahead.

There is no time like the present!

Back to My Regulary Scheduled Life

I'm sitting here this morning, grateful for the ease of the transition back into Normal.

I can't help but think of the families that are grieving and facing a day that is so far from Normal. What these people wouldn't give, to just wake up and be facing a Normal work day. A day when life as they knew it, hadn't turned upside down.

Yes, I have a day forthcoming that will be a far cry from the relaxed pace of my holiday. But it is Normal. I've walked this path before. It's familiar and I know how to fall into its rhythm. I'm blessed.

I can remember my mom's comment, as I made arrangements to cover my responsibilities at work and home, while we waited in the hospital waiting room the morning after Dad's last heart attack. She was so lost in the tragedy of the hours that preceded that moment, that she 'forgot' that life continued to go on, all around us.

The world does keep on spinning no matter what we face in life. The sun comes up each morning and the days pass. I guess that is one thing that we can always count on.

It's wonderful when Normal is interrupted by moments of joy and celebration. It's nice to break out of Normal and have a vacation. But for all of those waking up this morning and facing a day that is so far out of the Normal they are accustomed to ... I can only imagine that their wish may be to put in another long day at work, knowing that their life was just as they knew it only a few short days ago.

The Calm Before the Storm

I sit here with only a finite amount of hours left in 'the best holiday of my life' (so far). And I don't know what to do.

The lawn must be mowed, I would love to just lose myself in the book I'm reading, a birthday cake to make (but I'm missing one ingredient), I want to write and I still have a notebook full of family memories to type out.

Where did my energy go?

Energy begets energy. The busier I am, the more energy I have and the more I can accomplish. I have the ability to work hard and do a lot with a set amount of time. I'm also very good at relaxing.

I know I have a busy month ahead of me, as I will have to play catch-up with my book keeping job and my babysitting days will be relatively busy (though who knows for sure??). I have lots of loose ends that I want to tie up before I start pursuing that education I have my eyes set on.

Yesterday, the fear of my new reality gripped me. After this year of education ... where will I be? Will I have the tools I need to make this work for me?

It's a little bit frightening to take a step into the unknown. I've done it before, but I've dived in and just dog paddled my way through until I got my sea legs. This time it feels like I'm wading in slowly, with too much time to think.

I know that once I get busy and my thoughts are dealing with the reality of where I'm at, verses thinking and rethinking this decision ... I'll be fine.

Too much time to think isn't always a good thing.

So for now ... I shall finish up my writing, then go and read my book until it's late enough in the morning to mow the lawn, then I'll pick up that missing ingredient for the cake I want to make ... and get the show on the road!

It's time to get busy again.

Feeling Sombre

I don't know if I've processed the feelings behind the words that are in me today. It may be too soon to release them. Writing is my way of sifting through life's reality and sorting out the lessons to be learned.

I found out that 2 people died yesterday morning. I didn't know either of these people well, but the loss of these 2 souls has deeply affected 2 people that I am extremely close to.

Often when an older person dies or someone who has been battling a terminal disease, it seems that there is a sense of peace that comes along with the loss. As much as the person is loved and the people who love them want them around as long as they can have them ... knowing that their loved one is at peace and out of pain brings some solace.

When an elderly person passes on, it seems that there is a lifetime of memories that fill the hearts of the lives that they have touched. The ache of knowing they can never talk to their loved one again must be heart wrenching. But having good memories to hold onto must help the transition. A little.

Personally, I have experienced very little loss in my life. My dad had a debilitating heart attack 26 1/2 years ago when we lost the essence of who he was (due to extensive brain damage caused by lack of oxygen to his brain). His body lost the battle almost 22 years ago.

Even in my personal experience, loss was introduced to me gradually. When his body survived and his brain didn't, I was young and naive enough to believe in miracles. It took a while before I fully grasped the concept that 'Dad as I knew him' was gone. It gave my brain time to process the idea of losing the Dad I knew.

When he died, it was sad. It was final. The funeral ceremony was new and foreign to me. I was more angry at the necessity of putting together this 'party' than anything. I didn't understand at the time, that the gathering of family and friends is to help those that are left behind. I didn't understand any of this while I was living it.

That was almost 22 years ago. Since then, there have been losses. People who touch my life have experienced loss but I haven't experienced it first hand. I can't begin to comprehend what those who are walking that path are going through.

I do know that much comfort comes from knowing that the person who has deceased lived a good life and feels an inner peace. Family ties and close relationships define a person. Not any of the material accumulations. The way we touch each others lives when we are living is truly what matters in life. Those that have strong and loving relationships have a wealth that can be left behind in the memories they made and the hearts that they touched.

The flip side of that coin is one that I have honestly never fully been conscious of. One of the people that lost the battle of breathing early yesterday morning led a rather tortured life. I know only what I have been told, but it seems this person didn't forgive easily. She held onto negativity, she had secrets, held onto bitterness from her childhood ... but most importantly, it seems that she didn't forgive herself.

We all make mistakes. The people we love and care about make mistakes. It's called learning. Part of the learning process is to take the lesson learned, forgive yourself and others ... and move on. When you hold onto the pain, blame others for your situation and don't move on ... you are hurting others, but most importantly you are hurting yourself.

It was only in death, that this person confessed her fear of dying. Because this person had never forgiven herself, she was afraid to die because she knew she wasn't headed to heaven. My friend heard these words for the first time but in reflection, she could see the truth behind what she heard. My friend was wracked in guilt because she felt that had she known this sooner, she could have helped. She was feeling not only the pain of pending loss, but the agony of watching a loved one fearing death.

I can't begin to comprehend the complexities of death and dying. Knowing that you have a finite time left here on earth seems to me, to be a second chance to make things right before you leave this world. I've often said that if I must die when I have dependent children, I would want to know so that I could make sure everything was in order before I left. Otherwise ... 'surprise me'.

But more importantly, I want to live a life that I feel good about. If my world was to end tomorrow, I would want the people that I love and care about know how I feel. I would want to have made enough of an impact in those people's lives that they could carry a small piece of me within. I would want people to know that I have forgiven all. Some things aren't forgotten ... but no matter what has been 'done unto me', I have forgiven. It is my wish to be forgiven as well ... but most importantly, I have forgiven myself.

I love making memories and capturing them in a way that will last forever, even though I won't. One of the most touching thoughts that I have, of one of the people that died is the poetry she wrote that encompassed every family member. Her family has a tangible memory to physically hold onto, that can only enhance the individual memories that they carry within their heart.

I don't know this person well, but from what I've heard she seemed to be a loving and forgiving person. She had a strong faith within her church and forgiveness is a big part of religion.

'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned ...."

Not one of us is perfect. If you do yourself one favor ... let it be that you forgive yourself and others. Live a happy and peaceful life.

It's Good to Be Back

This vacation has honestly been the best one of my life (so far). As I sit here this morning, after savoring my breakfast smoothie and a cup of coffee at my side ... all I can think is "It's good to be back."

This holiday has encompassed everything I love about life ...

Time spent immersed in family, quiet time, time to get things done (that I can't do when I'm working), time to make memories and see new sights, time to visit, time to plan a new future and at the end of all of that ... I have a long weekend yet to savor.

I have 4 weeks of Normal before I set out on my next new adventure. An education. As I sit here with 3 uncommitted days ahead of me, the wheels are starting to turn again. How do I best spend these days?

Do I work on our family history story? Yes, I think I should start devoting some time to that project. Do I call and ask for my book keeping work to begin? No - I'm still on holidays. I'll make up for it next week, I promise. Do I sit and read a book? Yes - the couch is beckoning me. Spend some quiet mom/son time? I think so ... these are days I'll never get back.

In the past few days (of tending to life, the future, my new reality and a few more errands), it feels like I have already come down to earth. It was necessary.

As much as I loved every moment of my holiday, it wouldn't be a holiday if it happened all of the time. A person needs to have Normal to come home to ... so you can appreciate the wonder of the extraordinary. Which is simply walking away from Normal ... but knowing you have that same wonderful normalcy in which to return at the end of a most excellent vacation.