Fleeting Moments ... Can They Last Forever?

My mind is consumed with preparations for The Big Trip now. There are little pockets of space to think about other things, but the vast majority of my brain would flash *packing* *primping* *preparing* and *dancing* in bright neon lights if someone was to X-ray it at this very moment.

It's too close now. It's down to the wire. I'm going to blink ... and it's going to be over. How can I make this feeling last forever??

I shall write. I've already packed my pad of paper and pen. I don't know how many idle moments that there will be while I'm away ... but I do know that I can't sleep when I get excited. So I will write.

I will take pictures. I have gotten very lax in the picture-taking department, after a year where I was the most annoying family member on earth (as I was determined to document and make 'movies' out of every moment). I must take pictures. Something tangible to hold onto after I come back down to earth.

I will partake in every moment. The wallflower part of my personality will stay home. This vibrant red/orange haired girl shall walk a different walk. And live every moment!

I remember the adjustment that it was, to accept the fact that participating in this dance competition was really going to happen ... to me! I was uncomfortable with taking those first steps out of my highly regimented world. The idea of spending all of that money. Saying the words out loud and being excited about saying them took time. Once I finally accepted the fact that I was really partaking in this Grand Adventure ... I haven't looked back. Only ahead!

At some point during this adventure, I wrote down some words Rosie spoke when she was on Oprah. She realized that she was defining herself by her past. Whenever she talked about herself, she spoke of the person she used to be. It took someone actually bringing it to her attention, to realize that it was true.

I thought of myself. I define myself by who I am, to the people in my life ... but in the grand scheme of things, I look back and define myself by the experiences that I have overcome in my life. I define myself by my past.

Ever since I've embraced the idea of participating in this dance competition, I haven't done that so much. When I talk to people, I am talking about where I am going ... not where I've been.

The best way to keep these moments in time vivid, long after this dance competition has come and gone, is to continue to think this way. Where is my life headed? I've learned many lessons throughout this life of mine. It's time to embrace them, let them go and move forward.

Big events come and go throughout life. I can't stop the world and make this last forever ... but I can look ahead to the next Big Adventure I decide to partake in. Big or small. I will embrace the moment.

This dance event will be a highlight of my life that I will hold onto forever. But it won't define me. It's just a step in a direction I want to take. I will continue walking to see what lies around the next corner.

A Sadie Movie

A few weeks ago, I had the honor of taking care of My Grandpuppy while My Middle Son was vacationing.

Sadie is a bit of a 'horse' in my mind. She is my second Grandpuppy (the first of which is a chihuahua - Levi). Sadie grew up with Levi and she developed some very strange habits - one of which was 'hiding' under a small coffee table. Another, is the little 'chihuahua jump' that she has mastered. She will spring up vertically on all four legs - imagine a chihuahua jumping up and down for glee and multiply it by 20. Yes ... as Her Owner says, "She looks at Levi and thinks she's looking in a mirror!" (and Levi thinks the opposite is true - that he is a German Shepherd/Border Collie cross).

I found a new quirk that Sadie has while I was puppy-sitting. She is not only camera shy, she appears to have a genuine fear of cameras. Is it because she was ''caught on tape??" (see video below).



Now, all you have to do is point a camera in her direction and she instantly heads to 'her' room - not to be seen again for a very long time.

Yup ... 'Sadie The Chihuahua' makes Her Owner proud.

This is Really Happening!!

My heart has started to race with anticipation. It all became very, very real to me last night as I wafted through my dance lesson ...

This week, my dance instructor asked me to wear my dance costumes to my lessons. I wore my ball gown Tuesday night and last night I wore my new rhythm costume.

I 'bejewelled' my fingers, wrists and ear lobes. My new orange hair doesn't seem so out of place when a part of the entire ensemble. I glittered and sparkled. I was transformed.

I feel like I'm a little kid playing dress-up. Other than Halloween, when (as adults) do we have a chance to take a step on the wild side and dress completely out of the norm? I have often described our dance showcase days as feeling like you are a princess for a day.

You feel different, you move differently (though the song "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" did come to mind as I gathered the nerve to walk out in public with my skimpy little costume) but most of all (after I stopped shaking), you act differently. You look like you can dance ... so you act like you can dance.

I wish that I could wave my magic wand and transform everyone into their inner princess. When you dress up for these dance events, you get to step out of the norm. You get to play a part. But most of all ... you get to dance!!

Last night, my dance instructor gave me a card of encouragement as we enter the final stage of this fun-filled journey of preparing for The Biggest Event of My Life So Far. I came home after an evening at the dance studio and gazed at this card, the words and I was overcome by the reality that was 'the moment'. "Live Laugh Love ... Nothing is worth more than this day."

Nothing is worth more than this day. No matter what is going on in your world, what truer words could be spoken?

I have had my moments of apprehension as I stepped into the abyss of the unknown as far as all that this dance competition entails. The money, the time, the primping, my abilities, the money ...

But ever since I dared to dance and let this adventure sweep into my world, it has been like a dream come true.

It is real. I am really doing this!! I am living my dream. I highly recommend following your heart and embracing a dream. No matter how things go once I'm there, no one can take away these days, weeks and months of anticipation. I have already gotten my money's worth out of this grand adventure.

It's happening. This dream is really coming true!!

Swiss Cheese

My life is busy and full right now. I have many things that must be done in a limited time frame and my mind is busy as it choreographs the week ahead. But underneath all of the clutter of the to-do-lists-in-my-mind, I have many quiet moments.

I explained to a friend, that my life is like 'Swiss Cheese'. It is full of life and activity, but there are many holes in it. Empty spaces of time in between all of the busy-ness.

I have time to blog, time to watch my favorite TV shows, time to talk to my mom. There are pockets of time throughout my days. Time to sit and veg a bit ... time to write and reflect ... time to sit and plan. I still have time ... (this continues to be my favorite phrase from 'The Incredibles').

What I love best about this Swiss Cheese Like Life, is the busy-ness. It is a good busy. A fun busy!

I must fulfill my school hour obligation before I go away. So I am at school all day, every day, every free night and Saturday ... until my holiday. What am I finding as I feverishly put in my hours at school? Productivity! I have surpassed my goal of completing the courses that I had mapped out for myself between the New Year and My Holiday. I started a new course yesterday and I'm flying through it. It feels wonderful to meet and surpass my expectations.

My book-keeping job has a few time sensitive jobs throughout the month. The first of the month (statements) is one of them. I was busy each night this week, but my book-work still had to be done. I squeezed it into one of the many 'holes' in my life. I completed the task with very little sacrifice (okay, a few late nights), but the feeling of accomplishment that I received - by doing the job set out before me in the time and manner which I expected myself to do it ... was worth missing a few hours of sleep. The satisfaction of finishing my work reaps great rewards.

And the dancing. Always the dancing ...

I have 2, one hour dance lessons in the evening this week. I wish I could have danced every night. I simply can't get enough of dancing. I have so many flaws to overcome, technique to polish and some of the dance moves continue to surprise me. I am looking forward to the return of my fun-filled dance lesson where we aren't completely focused on this upcoming dance competition. But one, half-hour dance lesson each week? It hardly seems like enough, now that I've had a taste of more. It's those 'holes' in my life again ... I still have time (for more dancing)!!

I believe the weekend ahead is full of 'holes'. Time which I am certain that I will fill ... but very little pressure. Where there is no pressure, there is often little accomplished. That is my biggest fear - that I waste the time that I have.

I am already anticipating our family Sunday-supper. I have the menu mapped out in my mind and I look forward to the meeting of our minds on Sunday night. Our conversations have transformed from the deep and serious ... to the fun and frivolous. We are laughing at ourselves. I have rewound the tape in my mind and recalled some of the memories from my kids childhoods. Laughable (some, slightly embarrassing) moments. My kids have also replayed some of their memories-as-they-saw-them and put me on the spot. We are finding the humor in our humanness. When it was first suggested that we have a weekly Sunday-family-supper, I cringed at the thought of giving up that precious evening that I used to use to gear myself up for the week ahead. What I have found instead, is that filling that 'hole' with my little family ... has been the perfect way to wind up a week and feel revitalized for the week ahead.

I like the Swiss Cheese, which is my life right now. A perfect blend of busy-ness combined with enough 'holes' to provide me with what I need to continue to forge on.

Creative Math

I think that I was born to be an accountant. Numbers and I go back as far back as I can remember.

I can remember saving up for a tape recorder when I was about 12 years old. My next goal was to save up for an Old English Sheepdog (I bought a 10" color TV instead). Then there was a stereo ... a bedroom suite ...

Then 'real life' happened and the next thing you know, I was tallying up how two young, married kids with a baby on the way were going to live on one fixed income.

I've saved, planned, spent and budgeted the entirety of my life. I started Financial Planning before it was a buzzword. I've been planning for my future, for as long as I can remember.

The thing about numbers, is that you can juggle things around to make them fit. Usually. When that doesn't happen quite as planned, there is always debt.

Oh yes. I've had my fair share of debt. I don't like living in the red. As with my new red (orange) hair ... it is out of my comfort zone. I squirm around internally when my life is controlled by negative numbers.

All of this preamble does have a point. It is my current financial state - as I near the home stretch of spending-like-I've-never-spent-before. This dream come true ... this upcoming dance competition ... comes with a hefty price tag. And I'm not done spending yet.

Oh, I have it all justified. I have been socking away every little bonus and windfall that I have received over the course of the past year and a half. But instead of having this cash sitting idle in a savings account, I put it towards paying down my mortgage balance (a revolving mortgage that I can borrow against, if I must).

As January's spending finally wound to a halt, I tallied up the amount that I must 'borrow' from the money that I had saved. There is a great discomfort in increasing the negative number (which is my mortgage), even though I had always planned to spend those windfalls on something fun and frivolous. I am still borrowing.

I was hanging in there for a while, but it is now official. I have spent more than I had saved. No matter how I juggle the numbers, the hard cold truth is I overspent.

The creative side of my brain is telling me that it's okay. I have future income that will replenish that overspending. The logical side of my brain sees the reality. "This" is what I borrowed. "That" is the total sum of bonuses that I have received. "This" is greater than "That".

I sit here with my bank books at my side. I will tally up all of my costs. I will calculate what I overspent in January's household/living expenses alone.

The negative numbers created due to my dance spending has given me (in my mind) free reign to overspend in every aspect of life. The negative sign that I am seeing didn't have to be this large.

This dance dream is a once-in-a-lifetime event for me. I am not going to take away from the joy by obsessing about the cost. But I am going to sit and find the way in which I am going to live with the consequences of my spending.

I shall sit down and juggle the books. I will plan and find a way to start amassing another little nest egg.

Because my next big dream is an Alaskan Cruise ...

Morning Perspective

This morning, I woke up remembering the most perfectly wonderful dream.

I was dancing. Dancing carelessly and free in an open field. I was dancing with my dance instructor and we were laughing. We were dancing on air. Literally. We made two turns in the air.

Then ... we hit 'the wall'. We were beside a school building and he taught me a new dance pattern. Back to earth. Back to learning.

But the fun and the joy I get from dancing. They were such a part of my dream. Even when we settled down to learn something.

Then ... I woke up.

The lightheartedness of my dream was still wafting within. But my thoughts returned to real life. What should immediately come to mind? Family. My family ...

I have been wandering through my morning thinking only of family. My sister's family to be specific. I can't stop thinking of what they are going through right now. Yet the light and airy feeling of dancing is still in the background.

Such it is with the way I am feeling about life right now.

I am dancing on the clouds right now. But underneath it all ... my family is the backbone to everything that I am. I can't imagine where I'd be without them.

Family first. Dancing? It's a close second.

Things That Matter

I'm savoring every moment of the anticipation for my upcoming dance competition. But as the date draws near, I'm starting to resent the space that it is occupying in my brain.

Tanning. Self tanning lotion or a spray tan done 'professionally'?

Hair. Oh ... the hair. I could go on endlessly, but my most current dilemma involves washing it. And dealing with the aftermath. It's bad enough to have orange hair ... but orange hair that is also having a bad hair day? Not a pretty sight.

Packing. Omigosh. I have never, ever, in my life had such an extensive list of what to pack. Costumes, formal wear, dressy casual, casual casual, jewellery and then there is the long list of things to bring just-in-case (since I won't be home and have easy access to a household full of whatever I may need). Double-sided carpet tape, toothpicks, Q-Tips, scissors ... YIKES!

All-that-must-be-done-before-I-go. School, book keeping, errands, appointments, dance lessons.

Oh ya. Then there is the dancing. My brain has little excess room for the finer parts of dancing that I should have honed by now. New information is not being retained at this point. I'm too busy worrying about too many trivial matters.

Speaking of trivial ...

Then there is the blackhead that I discovered right on the border of my lip yesterday. To squeeze or not to squeeze. Nine days until dance-time. Do I have time to heal? Decision made. To squeeze. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! All I managed to do was inflame the area. To self inflict pain on yourself in the tender area of your lips is not easy. I woke up this morning to a bumpy-feeling, red-looking lip. Oh dear. So I squeezed some more. Success at last. The blackhead has been banished. One less thing in my long list of mindless worries in my brain.

The reason this is so frustrating is because these worries are so unimportant.

I have people in my life that are facing day-to-day and life-altering health issues. These are no small matters. This is the 'big stuff'. This is the stuff that should remind me to put all of my mundane little matters into perspective.

Yet I continue to fret about the minor stuff in my mind.

This is something that I have control over. I can feel powerful as I stroke something off of the endless to-do list. As I contend with each minor issue that is taking up valuable space in my brain, I feel satisfied. Each step that I take, is moving me in a forward direction. A direction that I want to move towards.

Each of the people that I know that is facing much-more-serious-matters-at-hand would probably give their eye teeth to feel powerful, satisfied and moving in a direction of their choosing.

I'm not doing anything to help any one. I feel powerless when it comes to helping those that I care about.

So ... I tackle my small list of things-that-really-don't-matter.

To those of you that I wish I could help, I wish your brain was as full of the mundane little worries that I have instead of what you are facing.

I do know that I am worrying about things that don't matter in the whole scheme of things. But it is taking up the space that I would be using to worry about things that I have no control over, if it wasn't full of this other 'stuff'.

It all goes back to the Serenity Prayer ...

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.