A Weekend ... at Home

I cannot say that I have been overworked lately. Out of the past 4 weeks, I have worked two. But out of the past 5 weekends, I have been home ... one day.

I am a home body. I love being home, coming home, knowing that everything I need and want in my life is within my home. Our home exudes a sense of calmness and 'happy'. It is my most favorite-place-to-be, in the world.

I have so many things that I want to do with these two days off. I have a list of housekeeping items. I'd love to have the opportunity to meet up with friends for lunch ... or tea ... or simply a visit. I'd love to curl up with a book or finish watching the movie that I started watching while I was at Mom's.

I want to savor the sensation of being home this weekend. I want to envelope myself in my family and friends and make the most of these two days. Two days off ... after working a five day week.

Ahhh ... this is the life!

A Life Without Music ...

I have grown accustomed to having music playing in the background of my days.

I listen to music when I work, I have my favorite-songs-of-the-moment playing in the car, Zumba, dancing and all forms of exercise are associated with a musical back drop.

The past month has been quiet. While I was at Mom's, I was around people 24/7. When I came home, I had a lot to pack into those days so that I'd be ready to turn around and go back to Mom's five days later. Back at Mom's, my days were once again filled with people, conversation and an otherwise quiet background.

On the drive home from Mom's, My Oldest turned on the radio for the last leg of our trip. The music was back. Ever so quietly ... the music was starting to return to my life.

Back at work, I turn on the radio the moment I start the day. I now work in the shop, so singing and dancing is not allowed. I suppose that I could try, but since the acoustics from my upstairs 'attic' workspace reverberate to the shop below, I know that my bosses would know that I was dancing or practicing Zumba if suddenly there was a methodical moving of my feet on their ceiling. And singing? Let's just say that if I want to continue to believe that I have a 'voice', that it is best to keep my singing confined to the privacy of my car and home.

I found the name of my newest favorite song and downloaded it (plus a few more) a few nights ago. I came home from work yesterday with a light heart ... knowing that my dance lesson was only a few hours away. And I turned up the music. Loud.

I moved and grooved. I sang and danced. I felt the rhythm of the music in my soul and I was revived. 

I went to my dance lesson with a bounce in my step and a light heart. And I danced. The men to women ratio was 1:1 last night. So I got to dance all night. I partnered up with a new dancer and I appreciated his sense of humor as much as the music.

I not only danced ... I laughed.

Does life get any better than this? The music is back. The laughter was never far away. It is good to be back.

What We Can Control

I have often read that the only thing we can truly control is how we react to our circumstances.

I have had a myriad of life experience tossed my way this past month. And how did I react to it? Not well, by my standards.

I have been emotional. I have been angry. I have made mountains out of mole hills. I have retreated back to my 12-year-old-self. I have been overwhelmed. I have felt insecure. I allowed myself to dwell on the past.

I've been worried about Mom. I  have had challenges at work. I have taken the (second last) course required to get my Group Fitness certification. I must complete one, final challenge to get this certification. My financial situation is not healthy. I have tested the waters and met a new friend of the male variety ... and in doing so, I have been looking back instead of forward.

At the end of the first week of this past month, this is what I wrote:

"I am quite positive that each and every element of what I have found to be a challenge this week, will propel me into making decisions that are going to change the situation. This happens each and every time I feel this way. Life hits a crescendo ... and it forces me to make a positive change. I always look back at 'weeks like these' and I am grateful. Without them, I would remain stuck in situations that are not for the better good."

I had no idea what lied in store when I wrote that. After that first week, I started working on how I was reacting to my circumstances.

I was able to be there for Mom. Two weeks out of four ... I was there. I was powerless in so many ways, but I tried my best. Each member of my family has different strengths. Between the four of us, we are a team to be reckoned with. I'm glad that I was given an opportunity to 'do what I do best'.

I have come to accept my new work arrangement. As I drive home after a 'day at the shop', I must admit that it is very liberating to leave my work at work. When I get home, the rest of the day is mine. There has been a small amount of respect growing between my employer and me the past few weeks (and since I've only worked two weeks out of four, I must admit that I'm grateful that my employer allowed me the time off that I required). Things are headed in a positive direction.

I haven't even had time to stop and think since I completed my last 'Group Fitness' class. I must now choreograph and lead a one hour exercise class (which will I will be marked on). Am I overwhelmed and out of my element? Yes!! Will I give up now? No. I may put it off until I write a book and go to Alaska. But I will be back!

My finances? A small bit frightening, as small appliances are breaking down at every turn. My Second Son noticed that our material possessions seem to be crumbling before our very eyes and was afraid to tell me of that-which-broke while I was away. But it is stuff. Replacing/fixing anything that money can buy is small potatoes. We have the good fortune to be healthy. Our body parts are in good running order. If the only problems that we have, are ones that money can fix ... we are blessed.

Meeting a man? Interesting experience. What have I learned to help me move forward? Not to compromise who I am and what I hope for in life. I would rather be alone, than to be part of a relationship and be lonely. I have learned that I'm not frightened to test the waters. I have also learned that I will not sacrifice myself for the sake of another. And I want someone who is equally determined to continue to be the person that they are.

And what is the most vital quality I'm looking for in a relationship? Humor. I want to laugh at life together. As my family rallied together and faced the unknown together this past month, I hear laughter. I remember a time when my sisters came to my rescue when I was dealing with the tragedy-of-the-decade. And we laughed. We couldn't believe that we were laughing. We laughed instead of cried. I believe that it is the same emotional release - laughter verses tears. We chose to laugh.

There is truly little that we do have control over in life. This past month, I have quite possibly cried more than I have in the past few decades combined. I also laughed. I choose laughter. But I am a grateful for a life worthy of tears.

I feel like somewhat of a super hero when I say, "I can laugh in the face of danger ... face my fears ... do my best ... and carry on".

And so I will. Carry on. With a smile in my heart, for all that I am grateful for.

Finding Normal ... Again

In our quest to help Mom find answers to the symptoms that she has been living with lately, we noticed that whenever the doctors would ask her how she was feeling, she'd cheerfully say, "Good!" or "Fine!". She would dress up, put on make up and look like a spritely senior who was just dropping by for a visit. She asked us what we would prefer, as she slumped over, scowled and pretended to act sick.

Mom seems to be resigned to the fact that the doctors don't have answers. They ruled out 'the big stuff' and she learned to live with her 'new normal'. Mom really doesn't enjoy dwelling on health issues, so she has rebuffed many of our concerns over the course of the past 10+ months. "Who wants to hear about that?" is her answer at times. "I'm fine" is her answer at other times. We have learned to quieten our concerns and respect her wishes.

As her health became an issue once again, we have been trying to be more assertive and hoping that one doctor would look at Mom in her entirety and help us put the pieces of the puzzle together. When you go to the ER, they treat the one symptom and send you on your way. When you go to the medicentre, the doctors are overwhelmed with all of their obligations and they don't appear to have the time to know their patients. When you go to the specialist, they look at what they specialize in. Where was the doctor who would take the time to sit down with us? We needed someone who explained as well as listened. We needed to find someone who cared!

Yesterday ... we found that person. A doctor took the time. He looked at Mom's file in its entirety. He explained the possibilities of why Mom is feeling the way she does. He examined the preliminary findings which were in Mom's file - an ECG from her first visit to the ER on May 31st of last year. An irregular heartbeat was noted in Mom's file over 10 months ago. And she was never told of this. We are well on a path to further investigate her heart, because that appears to be the underlying cause of her symptoms. Symptoms which started over 10 months ago. Symptoms which have been swept under the carpet as Mom quietly redefined 'normal' and learned to live with it.

"Why are we relieved that it is her heart?" my sister asked. I believe that we are relieved because we finally feel that we are the right path. Heart disease is frightening, but we have personally witnessed success stories once the problem was diagnosed. Issues which could have been life threatening had they not been detected.

Finding the root of the problem - the reason behind this symptom is like a ray of light to us. Once you know the problem, you can work on solutions. Treating (or not) a symptom was not the answer we were looking for. Accepting that there were no answers was not acceptable any more.

The doctor that finally took the time to talk and listen to Mom did very little other than assure us that we were already doing exactly what we needed to do. The appropriate tests have been done or have been ordered. The medication Mom is on is exactly what he would have recommended.

We were already on the right path. We just didn't know it. And now we have the assurance from a trusted professional that we are well on our way to finding solutions.

Hopefully a firm diagnosis will redefine 'normal' for Mom. A state of living which allows for the quality of life that she has been fighting for all along.

What I Missed

I have been back home for 38 hours now and I'm still wandering around, savoring that which I missed while I was away.

While I was at Mom's, I talked with My Youngest regularly on the phone. I didn't have a worry in the world, as his Older Brother watched over him and life went on seamlessly (perhaps even better?!) without me. I called each evening to say goodnight to My Youngest and we enjoyed our end-of-the-day conversation just as we do when I'm at home. I talked to my Second Son at length, many times. I was without worry and without guilt. They were content and happy. So I do find it odd to say that I didn't miss my children.

The first time I ran off to Edmonton (three weeks ago), I was running away from my job. I was so frustrated and angry at the situation at work, that I was grateful to leave. The problem was ... that nothing changed while I was away. I had to face up to my reality eventually and it wasn't an enjoyable way to reenter my world. Over the course of that week at home, I found acceptance in my job. I worked at a meaningful task and succeeded. I left work on a high note. It was a good way to leave. Because yesterday, 'reentry' to my work-world was as natural and easy as breathing. Did I miss work? No way. But it was easy to step back into it, because I hadn't run off and abandoned a lot of unresolved issues.

Cooking. I was responsible for keeping my mom and I fed while I was away. I had a lot of assistance. Between pulling out frozen entrees that my Oldest Sister had prepared; M & M Meats easy-to-prepare-meals; the deli department and the frozen food aisle ... my mom and I survived a week of my cooking. Back home, my Second Son adopted the stay-at-home-dad role. And he liked it!! He cooked, he cleaned, he helped My Youngest with that-which-he-needed-for-school ... he became a Mama-Son while I was away and he appeared to be basking in the glow of this new role. I came home at supper time Sunday night, fully prepared to run out and buy burgers and fries to alleviate any hunger pangs. But no. My Older Son wasn't hungry ... and My Youngest was craving Kraft Dinner. Did I miss cooking? Not a bit.

The computer. One would think, with the massive amount of time that I spend on this modern-day-time-waster ... that I would miss it immensely. One would be wrong. While I was at Mom's, I was around people 24/7, so words didn't have a chance to amass in my head. I thought. I spoke. No need to write, because I was purging my thoughts on a regular basis. In fact, Mom and I ran out of things to talk about from time to time. I utilized Mom's encyclopedias and dictionary in lieu of 'googling' something. Funny thing ... it worked. I found myself almost resenting the backlog of things-that-I-check on the computer upon my arrival back home. Did I miss my Internet connection? Amazingly ... no.

A dance event. Our studio put on a weekend of coaching, group classes and an afternoon of student routines while I was gone. I would have definitely joined the fun, had I been at home. But I wasn't. As it turned out, my niece had a dance competition last weekend. After many years of wishing that I could watch her perform, I was finally able to fulfill that dream. As the adjudicator talked to the group that competed and shared his expertise and coached all of them in ways to improve, my interest was captivated. He was telling these girls much the same thing that I would  have heard, had I been at home and participating in my own dance-weekend. I found myself in the audience instead of the stage. And I enjoyed it. I savored the view, appreciated the talent, felt my heart race with pride and excitement as I watched my niece perform. But I had no desire to be anywhere other than where I was. I can't wait for my next dance lesson and to find myself back in the studio. But I didn't miss it while I was away. I was where I wanted to be.

What did I miss, if I didn't miss everything that my life revolves around??

I missed the convenience of having my clothes in drawers. I missed the ease of getting ready in the morning, with all of my essential items in their allotted spots. I missed easy access to my toothbrush. I missed having a clothes hamper. But most of all ... I missed my pillow! I practically took a nose dive into my much savored prized possession (my feather pillow) at the end of each day since my return. I nestled my head into its spot, fluffed and contoured the pillow into the crevice of my neck ... and I have slept through the night. Two nights in a row. I missed ... sleep.

Now that I am home, I am missing being at Mom's. I quite literally thought of Mom and My Sister all day yesterday. What would they be doing now? Did they turn their errand at the mall into an adventure? Were they laughing and enjoying each other's company? Were they watching 'The Bold and the Beautiful'? Was Mom getting a lot of phone calls on her birthday? I miss being at Mom's. I miss being enveloped in my own immediate family. All of my recent thoughts and memories revolve around my brother, my sisters and my mom. I have savored these past weeks.

I was transported to a different time and place, so that I could be with my family as we rallied together. I have memories that I never would have had, otherwise. A very wise friend of mine wrote: "Sometimes, I don’t think it is even about finding solutions which is the real benefit, it is about giving that precious time in whatever ways we can."

Time. It is a gift. These past weeks, I have been exactly where I needed to be. Nestled in the comfort in my family, with the knowledge that my children were safe, happy and content at home without me. No matter where I was, I wasn't missing my family. I am blessed.

She's No Ordinary Mother ...

My mom. It is interesting to hear the adjectives that people use to describe her. Feisty, spunky and most recently "a real sweetheart". She's no wall flower. People remember her.

She's 4'10" in stature but she's a force to be reckoned with. Threaten a loved one and you'd swear she was 6 feet tall. She's one protective Mother Bear.

She's strong and mighty. There is little that she has been afraid to tackle in her life - whether it is a daunting job or facing up to a life that she didn't expect. She is fearless and forges on, through thick and thin.

"Strong as steel, her faith and pride; She's an everlasting shoulder; She's the leaning post of life." ('An Eagle When She Flies ~ Dolly Parton).

Today is Mom's birthday. A day just like any other ... but special because we are fortunate to celebrate it with her. She is a gift. She makes the world a little brighter because she's in it. She's not your ordinary mother, grandmother or great grandmother. She's unique and special. Just the way we like her.

Happy Birthday, Mom.



"But she's an eagle when she flies ..." ~ Dolly Parton

Home Again

I am settling back into the wonderful world of my reality back at home.

I have rewound and re looked at the events of the past four weeks and I'm somewhat astounded. It has been a whirlwind month.

I have been completely immersed in life at Mom's. There is a huge part of me that stayed behind ... but the physical me must return to my life as I know it and roll with the punches here at home.

I walked back into my world and all was as I hoped and expected it to be. My family can survive very well in my absence, but it is also a good feeling to know that they appreciate my return.

Mom is in good hands, as my Second Sister has returned to escort her through the various commitments of the upcoming week. At the week's end, my Oldest Sister will arrive and take over from there.

Where do we go from here? Time and Mom will tell. Unfortunately we still have more questions than answers. Fortunately, Mom seems to be doing much better than she was three weeks ago.

I want to be at Mom's. I need to be at home.

It is unclear what lies ahead. We must trust that we are on the right path. We just don't know where it will lead.