Clutter

My mind is full of clutter this morning. Most of it is related to tax reporting and filing. I have seven personal income taxes to file; two GST returns and one business. I am consumed with ensuring I do not find myself in this spot at this time next year.

One year ago, I was consumed with all of the above. And more. Three more businesses and three more personal taxes. I am beyond relieved I am not where I used to be. 

A year ago, after all deadlines were met with the government filings, I had one more end goal. To wind up all the financials of everything related to my bookkeeping job and hand it all over. And I did.

I am feeling a little PTSD as I wade through the tax season. Post traumatic stress. Yes, that says it all. 

The next few days, I will be taking a step back into the world I left behind. It is my hope to tend to all the business the first day. The positive thing about my old life is the people I worked for. I want to let the business go so I can simply enjoy the people part of the equation.

I have bemoaned the fact I don't love having to leave my home to earn my living. What I have not focused on, is the ability to separate home from work. I walk out the door at the end of my work day, come home and leave it all behind. 

Work has invaded home again. My little oasis on the prairie is under attack. I'm fighting back to regain what I worked so hard to achieve last year. A home that feels like a home. Not a work space.

The enemy has been identified. The mission is to conquer and remove it from my head and house. Clearing the clutter begins at home.

Let the spring cleaning begin!

Chirps in the Middle of the Day

I came home for lunch yesterday (six of my favorite words) and the birds were chirping so loud, incessantly and sounded SO glad to be "home".

In the fairy tale storybook of my mind, I had visions of them all so happy to see each other after a long winter away. It was a long winter for the birds too. They were reunited, catching up, excited to be among family and friends back in their little oasis in the prairies.

I stopped and simply listened. 

Turn your volume up high. Yes, they were really that loud.

The snow is melting, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. Spring is on its way ...

Chirps in the Middle of the Night

Battery power is certainly a theme in my life at the moment. After my long winded post about charging system malfunctions yesterday morning, I was awakened by the regular chirp of a smoke alarm battery that had gone dead at 1:30 this morning.

My first conscious thought was, "I thought the alarm was powered by electricity. It can't be the alarm". The second thought I thought was, "I'll tend to it in the morning". No amount of ignoring the chirp worked. It was relentless.

This is when it is pretty handy to have a second adult with good hearing in the house. The past few middle-of-the-night-dead-battery alerts happened while I was still living with my daughter. She is taller than me and deals with the technical issues required to dismount, dismantle, open battery compartments, re-mantle and re-mount the offending alarms with ease.

I was on my own. I armored up and prepared for the challenge. 

I found a new battery, pulled a chair under the alarm and waited for the chirp to confirm I was where I needed to be. I wasn't.

The chirp was in the distance. So I stood at the top of the basement stairs and waited for the next chirp. I was colder than I was before. What is it about the acoustics of a chirping fire alarm that makes the task of hunting it down so hard? I went back upstairs to discover I have a battery operated fire alarm right outside my bedroom door. No part of my conscious memory was aware of its presence.

Thankfully, removing it from the ceiling was as simple as it should be. Looking up and trying to figure out how to dismount the electrical alarm on the main floor was incredibly hard on my neck. I was grateful for the lower ceiling height and ease of removal. My neck barely noticed the brief upward glance.

Then came replacing the battery. There were instructions. Very small instructions. Embossed writing of the same color as the plastic. In the middle of the night. Thankfully, the words "Battery Compartment" stood out and I was thrilled to discover I didn't have to dismantle the alarm.

One quick fingernail-under-the-compartment-door and I was in. Battery was simple to remove. It wasn't one of those snap-on 9 volt battery connections. I simply had to align positive with positive and I was ready to proceed. 

I barely installed the new battery when, "Chirp!". What?!? Hmmm. I couldn't close the compartment door due to a small movable plastic piece sticking straight up preventing closure and ensuring the user didn't make the mistake of ignoring it.

Battery out; plastic swivel part pushed down; battery back in (keeping small plastic piece down); the compartment door closed. Voila!

But a red light continued to flash. Oh no!! I found a back-up battery to replace what must have been a dead new battery. Before proceeding, I read the microscopic instructions. "Red light will flash every 10 seconds if alarm is not functioning"; "Red light will flash every 40 seconds when functioning properly".

I was 40 seconds away from confirmed success. I listened to the ticking clock in the background of the scene for 40 seconds. Flash!

Mission accomplished.

In the short span of an hour, all was right in the world again and silence prevailed.

My question is: WHY do fire alarm batteries go dead in the middle of the night? Always the middle of the night. 

My answer is: BECAUSE you didn't change the battery on a regularly scheduled date. I'll bet somewhere in the small instructions I didn't read in full, it probably states "Change batteries every six months". I just looked that up. I would have guessed every year.

The punishment for my crime was a middle of the night wake-up call.

As I toiled through this task, the episode of  the show "This is Us", where the camera pans to their open smoke alarm door, with batteries on their list, was prevalent in my mind. They forgot to buy batteries. The ramifications of this was waking up in the middle of the night to a house fire that was out of control.

I'm grateful it was simply a chirping battery that disrupted my sleep. 

Charging System Malfunctions

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm not dead yet but I am feeling a tad stronger than I was a handful of days ago.

My social battery does not hold a charge any more. It is akin to my computer battery which needs a continual charge. The moment it is unplugged it dies immediately. There is no residual power in the battery. It simply dies. It does not hold a charge, even with a consistent power source.

My angst over socializing outside of the comfort of home is usually tempered when I'm surrounded by good friends and family. Especially family. That was what was so disconcerting about the weekend past. I couldn't talk myself down. I was getting close. I thought I could do it. I was packed up and ready to go. But my body shut me down and made it physically impossible to leave the house. I couldn't have even worked. I was so relieved I didn't have to feel guilty about booking the day off work. I couldn't have worked. Whew.

I slept the entirety of the day and all of the night. I awoke with the strength to push myself out of the house and onto the road towards my family.

As I drove, I calmed a little but the voice inside my head was constant. Everyone else is part of a couple. It was a family weekend including all the in-laws. And me. It was a bridge too far. 

I had visions of them enjoying this time without a seventh wheel. I was actually relieved. I thought I gave them a gift of a day without concern about the extra baggage of an odd man out. I have never, ever felt like that man. But my angst was high and talking me into all kinds of stories. 

All anxiety fell out of my body the moment I walked in. It was worth every painful step it took to get there. Gone.

And so went the rest of the weekend. Embraced by the comfort, comradery, humor and presence of family, I was home. I was truly home.

My battery recharged throughout our family time. I hadn't even realized the gift I accidentally brought with me when I arrived in my own vehicle. I had the ability to drive my sisters home for one final inoculation of sisterhood all the way home. ALL the way.

We arrived home at 2:30 in the afternoon. The better part of a Sunday to gather what I needed to forge through another work week. Time for everything and nothing. Time to do a few things for my "future self" to make waking up in the morning easy.

And it worked. 

I slept five solid hours without stirring. I awoke to a computer in a deep sleep. I fall asleep watching something on the computer with settings set so it will not advance to the next episode. Normally I don't sleep long enough for the computer to completely shut down and I can wake it up by clicking the mouse. Not last night. I thought I would try to fall asleep without resorting to tuning something on, to tune out my thoughts. I stirred for a minute or two. But I fell back asleep and awoke two hours later.

Waking up to a dark, quiet room felt so incredibly peaceful. I had a long, vivid dream, full of deep meanings to keep my mind busy upon waking. Once again, as with most of my dreams, it was a relief to know it was only a dream. 

My sister gave me a grounding sheet as a parting gift. I came home, stripped the bed, washed the sheets, had a shower and wore my freshly washed pj's to bed. I had completely forgotten about the grounding sheet when I went to bed. Everything felt so fresh and crisp that I became one with my nest of supportive pillows and comfy, familiar bedding.

I woke up feeling completely grounded. It's a miracle. The sheet works! So does the magic of family and charging my weak social battery.

I have a tricky car battery and charging system that is worsened by the car sitting idle in the garage for weeks or a month at a time. It is strengthened by a good, long drive and weakened by quick trips. 

I definitely have a short in my charging systems around here. Something to work on ....

My trickle charger showing a 50% to 75% charge after a 4 hour drive

This morning. 

My car and I have a lot in common - the need for a trickle charger.

Jann Arden - Good Mother Album Version /w Intro & Extro

Jann Arden's lyrics to her song Good Mother are what I'm hearing when I let my mind rest this morning:

I've got money in my pocket

I like the color of my hair

I've got a friend who loves me

Got a house, I've got a car

I've got a good mother

And her voice is what keeps me here

...

I have no other words this morning. 

I need to inhale the melody and lyrics of Jann Arden's song.

May you lose yourself to the music you find whispering in your ear today.

Waging a War With Winter

I've got a case of Spring Fever verses Old Man Winter going on inside of me.

Our last blast of winter simply annoyed me. It was inconvenient, cold and down right nasty. If there must be snow at the tail end of March, the least we could hope for was a blast of warmth to melt it.

The temperatures are starting to rise. My determination to let Mother Nature take care of winter's (hopefully) last onslaught of snow is starting to gain momentum.

The wind that accompanied our snow was the most annoying of all. I cleared out the pathways beside the house, to the compost bin, the patio and garage. Twice. The wind kept blowing and it continued to snow ever-so-slightly. So I quit.

I shoveled out enough for my company to park. That was it. I was done.

I could have shoveled when I got home from work last night. But I didn't. I didn't want to. I didn't care. I am still rather annoyed and insulted by the last snowfall.

I'm starting to feel a little embarrassed. I took great pride in keeping the snow in check all winter. I didn't love the idea of shoveling but I felt a great sense of accomplishment after each snowfall. 

Winter lasted one snow storm too long. I still feel determined to wait it out. It is shrinking. I am going to win this battle.

P.S. The best part about this picture is the fact it was taken at 6:11 a.m.

Our increasing daylight hours are definitely working in my favor.

Relief

The weight of the world on my shoulders is starting to lessen. One part of the equation is one third of my three committed weekends is behind me - the most challenging weekend (hosting guests feels hard) is checked off the list. The other part of this equation is I have allowed myself the luxury of taking Ibuprofen to provide a little physical relief.

My neck has been a thorn in my side (literally a pain-in-the-neck) for the better part of the time since I moved to my new home. I blame my couch.

A comfy couch and comfortable kitchen chairs were at the top of my wish list when I made this move. There is a small little nook for the couch and only a select few models would fit in the space. I felt like I'd won the lottery when I found a couch that checked all the boxes. It not only fit into the space, it turns into a bed and it has the chaise lounge feature which has storage to hold the bedding. Perfect!

I couldn't wait to settle in, make a cozy little spot to support my neck/head and have a Netflix weekend marathon.

Exhaustion washed over me and falling asleep in front of the TV became my new norm. I cannot actually even recall the first few months of living here. Other than I worked, ate supper and went to bed. I must have actually sat on the couch. Yes, I now remember. I did sit on it to discover it was hard and uncomfortable. I then sat on each cushion, bounced myself up and down and worked my way down the couch. No better. Next I literally stood and jumped on the couch. Slight (very) improvement.

My next vivid memory is nestling in to watch TV and the moment my body started to relax, shooting pains emanated from my neck straight into my skull. I adjusted, readjusted, added pillows, more pillows, different pillows and nothing worked except for lying on my side with a brand new, plump down filled bed pillow which held my head and shoulders at exactly the right angle so I could watch TV. Of course the moment I was lying down, comfortable and watching TV, I fell asleep.

I have gone through all the pain killers I had in the house - all of which are well over seven years old. I know this, because I had some of Mom's Tylenol and she died seven years ago. All of my own pain relief pills were older than that. At this point, I knew I had to seek other alternatives.

I have been to a doctor and prescribed some muscle relaxants. No noticeable relief. 

I went to a Physical Therapist and came home with a stretching regimen. I was determined to do my part so I started the twice-a-day routine that night. I injured my neck even more, in the process. I quit immediately but restarted very, very carefully after my neck felt as bad as it did before I began. My neck felt worse than ever. So I quit again.

I went to a massage therapist. I was relieved of the neck pain during the night, only to have it replaced with a constant nagging discomfort all day instead. I told this to her and the next time she made some adjustments that brought back the night discomfort with a side order of day discomfort. Third time back, I told her this and she readjusted things so I was only slightly better than I was before I began.

I bought a special Ecoden pillow which was advertised to be EXACTLY what I needed. I tried it the first night and the stabbing pains I feel when I relax on my couch was my neck's immediate reaction. I tossed it onto the floor but tried again. Once again, this pillow felt as hard as my comfy-looking couch so I tossed it onto the floor and jumped on it to try to break it in. 

The new pillow was introduced during the course of my massage treatments. The other side effect of my massage therapy was the down bed pillow that used to work so I could watch TV on the couch stopped working. I was trying everything, so I tried the Ecoden pillow to watch TV. I seemed to need the cardboard-like support, while lying down on the couch to support my increasingly heavy head. For the moment, this provides me enough comfort to fall asleep while watching TV.

My x-ray results say "mild multilevel disc space narrowing with marginal osteophytes are seen throughout the cervical spine, compatible with degenerative changes".

All I can say is, if this is aging, I'm done with it. 

I call what I have a "low grade discomfort". I know I'm fortunate. So many others have mid to high grade pain all or most of the time, with relief that most likely feels like low grade discomfort at best. My discomfort is focused on one small area of my entire body. It could be so much worse.

My diagnosis is - I have TV neck. Kind of like tennis elbow - TV neck is a repetitive injury caused by overuse of the same joint over an extended period of time.

For the short term, I'm going to fall back on pain killers to give my poor old neck a break. For the longer term, I will try to cut back on the TV watching and combine that with some light stretches.

The end.

P.S. My friend, who spent enough time here to actually sit back and relax on my comfy-looking-couch is about my height, and she found exactly the same "pull" I described when she sat back on the couch. See?? It IS the couch's fault!!