Liking Someone is an Option

I have been loved when I was not very likeable.

This .... is much better!

From my (then) 7 year old son

P.S. Even my stick figure picture is having a bad hair day ... some things never change!

When the Going Gets Tough ...

... the tough go to Zumba!!

I've been a little 'off my groove' this past week. No real reason. Just a bunch of the 'same old, same old' mixed in with a little bit of life.

I was in a bit of a funk (again!!) last night and I decided to check out Facebook. This is what I found:
  
       "Hello Zumba gang, let's Rock the house 6:45pm at World Gym (Nelson Road)
        Let's dance for the ones who can't =)"

I jumped off of my computer chair, put on my Zumba attire (comfy, cool clothes) and was out the door 5 minutes later.

My activity level dropped about a thousand-fold (or so it felt) this past week.

I got pouty when winter arrived and didn't go register for a Wednesday night Belly Fit Class that I had intended on doing. Nor did I attend a Tuesday night Zumba class that I could have went to. Darn snow!!

I am out of sorts because the budget is in seriously in trouble (self induced I'm afraid). I pouted some more.

It was not a good week to be sitting still with my thoughts .

So when Facebook spoke to me last night, I listened. I enjoyed being able to see off my new Zumba friends as they led their last class before their move down South.

I'm so glad that I did.

I am ...

I am but a speck of dust in this entire universe ...

There are days, when it feels like the sun revolves around my own private little universe. Days when I get so caught up in my head that I forget the big picture. Days when my thoughts are too much, too big and out of proportion.

Then reality happens.

I walk out of my isolated little world of thoughts and into the real world. Then I remember that my thoughts are my own. Life goes on outside of my head, outside of my home and carries on without me.

Thank goodness.

The days when the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders, it is such a relief to walk out of my private little universe and see that I am but one tiny part of the big picture.

Maybe I make a 'speck' of a difference by what I say and do ... but in the whole scheme of things I am only responsible for what happens within my own little world.

I am but a small piece of a whole.

Stuck in the Middle

Of all of the 'people I wanted to be when I grew up', the one that seems to keep coming back to me is that of becoming a mediator.

I thought that I could be good at that occupation because I am can be a good listener. I used to listen more than I talked. Now that I've taken up being a bit of a chatterbox, I question my listening abilities. But really, on the whole? I still think I have the ability to hear beyond the words being spoken.

In almost every situation, I feel that I can relate to both sides. There are two sides to every story. Even if one side doesn't appear to have as much going for them, there is usually an emotional undercurrent that is propelling the actions that are under dispute.

Most people simply need to be heard. They need/want the other party to consider their thoughts and feelings. Putting a voice to your emotions in a non-confrontational way isn't easy. When that voice is stifled, the message becomes garbled. It can come out in destructive ways.

I believe people fall back into old habits when they are under attack. The quiet get quieter. The talkers get more verbal. The dominant become overbearing. The insecure may withdraw within themselves ... put others down ... pump themselves up ... or draw attention to themselves in ways that they have always, subconsciously done.

I have been on the sidelines of more than one situation, where one party simply wants to be heard. They have been 'shut out' in one fashion or another and they desperately want the other to party listen.

I have been on the outside, the inside and in the middle of some of these scenarios. As a rule, I am either on the outside or I am one of the parties in question. I have had one party come to me. I've listened. I've played the devil's advocate and tried to voice the other party's side of the story. I have been sorely tempted to approach the 'other party' but have talked myself out of it. It is not my place. If I haven't been invited 'to the party' by both involved, my purpose is to listen.

Then there is the occasion where both sides have approached me independently. I'm hearing both sides. I understand and relate to both parties. I see where the 'behaviour in question' is rooted. I see why things appear to be escalating. There is a bridge that needs to be built, so that both parties can feel heard. Am I to be that bridge?? Or am I to take a step away from the entire situation and let things happen as they may?

I don't have formal training to guide me. I have only common sense and apparently, I must (??) be approachable since I seem to be 'hearing' more than I need to hear. I am not prying information out of these people. They are telling me. This is truly none of my business.

At the moment, I simply feel stuck in the middle. I am uncertain if this is the beginning, middle or end of the situation-at-hand. I will not force myself or my opinions onto anyone. But it is my hope that if I continue to be the middle-man, that I will not make matters worse ... and guide each party towards direct communication between the parties involved.

I'd like to step out of the middle and back onto the sidelines where I will forget everything that I have been told. My vow of secrecy is aided with my tendency to forgetfulness. Your secrets are safe with me (because I'll never remember them!).

Maybe my current discontentment with my work situation is because I am not in a job that fuels my passions. Maybe I am meant to be 'stuck in the middle' .....

The Fear Behind the Dreams

I have set some lofty goals for myself. I seem to keep setting the bar a little higher ... and I'm scaring myself.

I didn't realize how this fear daunted me until the phone rang this week. I saw the business name on the call display and I thought "Oh no ... Can I really do this??"

When I realized that destiny was not calling, I was beyond relieved.

I loved being in school. Learning, expanding, dreaming .... but not actually doing the work.

Reality kind of sucks.

I'm in the jobs of my dreams. They are flexible, I have a lot of control in some ways ... none, in others. The bottom line is, that I have the ability to say 'yes' or 'no' to what works for me. The reality is, that not having control of the work flow means not having control over my pay cheque.

I seem to be wading in uncertainty at this very moment. Even that is a choice. I can forge onward and create my own challenges. Sitting idly by and waiting for opportunities to fall into my lap is not a good strategy.

Something is lacking in my work world. The spark that ignites my enthusiasm, the satisfaction of attaining a goal, the need to push my limits ...

I am letting my work-self esteem erode before my very eyes. I'm losing something. I am becoming fearful.

I want to curl up into a little ball and hibernate. I don't feel invincible right now. Right now .... but that can be changed in an instant.

Just as they say that forcing yourself to smile even when you don't feel like smiling, tricks your brain into believing you are happy ... I believe I must propel myself through this phase of self doubt and lack of motivation.

Just because I feel like this at this moment, doesn't mean that I don't have the power to change that within the hour.

It is time to pull up my socks and create my own destiny. Today, that may mean wading through papers and numbers. Which will clear the slate for all of the tomorrows that lie ahead.

Onward! Push through the fear and take that next step ...

One Month

This past month has not been typical.

• I have refused to obsess about logging enough (work) hours to pay the bills.
• I haven't worried about the budget.
• I have followed my whims (and put my responsibilities on a back burner).
• I had a 'make over' day with my sisters.
• I went on an adventure with friends.
• I have danced among the stars and brushed shoulders with 'celebrity'
• I've followed where my Zumba-lust has taken me.
• I continue to dare to dream (even though fear of the unknown threatens to overwhelms me)
• I have been touched by the lives of others ...

The bills will be paid one way or another. It may not be an idyllic month monetarily but in the whole scheme of things, it really doesn't matter.

This month has been a gift in every way. It has been a gift because I have become actively involved in living my life. Drawing new experiences into it, walking through new doors with old friends, inviting others into this bubble of contentment.

October has been quite an adventure! And it's not over yet ...

Cats and Me ...

I'm very akin to a cat.

Pursue me and I will probably run. Just be yourself and allow me to make my own choices and I will probably come to you.

I don't like to obey for the sake of obedience. Chances are, that I will choose to follow the rules. But demand me to 'sit', 'stay' and 'speak' and I will turn the other cheek and walk away.

I take great enjoyment from basking in a sunbeam and nodding off to sleep. Catnaps and me? We go together like cats and catnip.

I show my affections in many ways, but running up shamelessly like a dog and letting my inhibitions run wild is not my way. I prefer to quietly and consistently show my love in more understated ways.

I can be left along for long periods of time. I fend for myself well. I don't require adulation, regular walks and the outpouring of love the way a dog does. I enjoy the company of others and I'm grateful when my family is around me and people choose my company. But I am a self sufficient soul and I am quite content with quiet days.

I am loyal to those who are close to me. I'm not fierce, nor do I growl or bark (but under duress, I have been known to roar). My loyalty is subtle, but it is true.

I look at a sleeping cat and I feel peace. I feel the vibration of their purr and I feel calmness reverberated within. I look into the eyes of our cat and I see my quiet love reflected in his eyes.

My brother's family suffered a great loss this past weekend. Their much adored cat and faithful friend passed on.

I gazed out of our living room window and watched the raindrops fall. Yesterday afternoon, our sky wept with them.

"Bear, you will be missed ... and always remembered."