The Fear Behind the Dreams

I have set some lofty goals for myself. I seem to keep setting the bar a little higher ... and I'm scaring myself.

I didn't realize how this fear daunted me until the phone rang this week. I saw the business name on the call display and I thought "Oh no ... Can I really do this??"

When I realized that destiny was not calling, I was beyond relieved.

I loved being in school. Learning, expanding, dreaming .... but not actually doing the work.

Reality kind of sucks.

I'm in the jobs of my dreams. They are flexible, I have a lot of control in some ways ... none, in others. The bottom line is, that I have the ability to say 'yes' or 'no' to what works for me. The reality is, that not having control of the work flow means not having control over my pay cheque.

I seem to be wading in uncertainty at this very moment. Even that is a choice. I can forge onward and create my own challenges. Sitting idly by and waiting for opportunities to fall into my lap is not a good strategy.

Something is lacking in my work world. The spark that ignites my enthusiasm, the satisfaction of attaining a goal, the need to push my limits ...

I am letting my work-self esteem erode before my very eyes. I'm losing something. I am becoming fearful.

I want to curl up into a little ball and hibernate. I don't feel invincible right now. Right now .... but that can be changed in an instant.

Just as they say that forcing yourself to smile even when you don't feel like smiling, tricks your brain into believing you are happy ... I believe I must propel myself through this phase of self doubt and lack of motivation.

Just because I feel like this at this moment, doesn't mean that I don't have the power to change that within the hour.

It is time to pull up my socks and create my own destiny. Today, that may mean wading through papers and numbers. Which will clear the slate for all of the tomorrows that lie ahead.

Onward! Push through the fear and take that next step ...