So Many Words ...

The weekend was ... great.

I was surrounded by company, family and friends. All weekend.

We travelled to our home town and saw a lot of family. We came home and visited amongst ourselves. My own little family congregated as the allure of family within beckoned to them.

My company went home and the visiting transitioned from family to friends. I went out for coffee. I met with friends after supper.

My head is swimming with words. The world is silent around me, yet all I hear is my voice. Talking. Words. So many words.

Many good conversations were had. From light and easy to deep and meaningful. I know that they will resurface and replay often in my mind.

But this morning? I just want to sit and absorb all of the goodness of the weekend. I am holding the words close to my heart right now. Snippets of insights and thoughts will seep out into upcoming posts. But today? I don't even know where to begin. So this is where it ends. For today.

I am going to sit back and savor the quiet today. And listen to the words that sift to the surface ... after a weekend well spent.

Company's Coming!

There used to be a time (in a faraway land) when I would clean the house top to bottom if I had company coming. I would bake, plan meals and snacks. I would ... prepare.

Something has changed over the years and I'm not altogether certain that this is a good thing. Now ... I 'clear a path' for my company.

I vacuum, dust and wash what my company may see, walk through or sit on. My basic requirements are a clean bathroom and clean sheets for them to sleep on. And coffee.

This weekend's company requires one extra bedroom so we did a minor shuffle and I got one bonus room tidied up. Our menus should be simple since we are going to an out-of-town family gathering on Saturday and my guests depart on Sunday.

The good part about my lack lustre preparations is that I am more focused on simply enjoying my company while they are here. We may be snacking on goodies from the bakery department of a grocery store, but the conversation will be the same (mind you, no one will be wasting any words on asking me for recipes).

As I went through some of the paces of this preparation yesterday I was saddened and disheartened at my new attitude. I found myself thinking I just don't care about a clean and shiny house the way that I used to. Housecleaning does not energize and fuel me the way that it once did.

There was a time (in a faraway land) that I was like the Energizer Bunny. Once I got started, I just kept going ... and going ... and going.

I think that I need new batteries.

Back ... to the Future

It was with little fanfare and expectation that I checked my bank balance this morning to find out how much I had been paid by my Second Employer.

Hmmm ... I wondered. $5.91? Was a cut off date missed? Was this cheque just for holiday pay? As luck would have it, I could pull up my pay stub on line. So I did.

I shook my head to clear the cobwebs and then rubbed my eyes. The pay stub told me that I had been paid for 13.5 hours. I had actually worked 14.75 hours, but still ... no matter what way you looked at it (and I looked at it many different ways), I should have netted more than $5.91.

Then I checked my rate of pay. I rubbed my eyes again. I brought my pay stub out to the kitchen so that My Son could bear witness to what I was seeing. I said, "Color me tired ... but am I reading this right? Did I actually get paid 50 cents per hour??"

Yes. I did. My gross pay was $12.25 (I earned a Sunday premium of a dollar per hour, equalling $5.50) and get this! They had the nerve to deduct $6.11 from my earnings.

I simply laughed. There was no other way to go. I thought to myself that the last time I was paid $.50 per hour, was my first babysitting job when I was 12 years old.

My employer just happened to call this morning and while I had him on the line, I asked if there were any problems with the payroll today. He said that there was nothing that he was aware of. So I went on to tell him that I had been paid at a rate of 50 cents an hour. 

He just laughed and said to frame that pay stub. He said 40 years ago maybe ... I had gone 'back to the future'.

I'm sure that it will not take much convincing to have my pay corrected. But just for the moment, I felt like I was 12 years old again. But at least my babysitting wages were free and clear. I don't know about this 50% rate of deductions. 

Going back to the future has got to come with more perks than this ...

I Should Have Stopped For Lunch

It was a full day. I knew it was going to be a busy one. Right from the onset ...

It started off right. I got out of bed with my alarm. I went through my morning routines, made my lunch and was out the door on time to arrive for work at 8:00 a.m.

The morning went well. Microsoft Word and I were not seeing eye to eye and at one point very late in the morning, I thought “I should stop for lunch now. I think I need to come back at this with a fresh eye.” I didn’t. That was a big mistake.

Things went from bad to worse. I had put together a document which I decided to ‘make pretty’ with a heading that was already formatted. Early on, I knew this formatting was causing me grief but it wasn’t until mid afternoon that I knew I had to correct this issue before the end of the day. This was my last shift to work and whatever mess I left behind would be someone else’s problem. This simply couldn’t happen.

I started to shake and the adrenaline was pumping. I finally, finally found the answer I needed (thank you Google!) and I was on my way.

I cleaned up my document, printed off a copy, saved it on my personal drive, copied it to a USB stick and emailed it to my co-workers. I left nothing to chance.

I walked out of the door and knew that I had done my best. But my heart was still racing. I practiced deep breathing techniques all the way home. I bought myself a coffee to force myself to sit still and collect myself before I carried on with Part 2 of the day.

I got home with half an hour to spare.

I was meeting up with friends to go to an out-of-town dinner and play. I suggested that I drive (my motion sickness has really kicked into high gear since a bout of sea sickness on my Alaskan cruise), so that I wouldn’t have to contend with impending nausea.  

I tidied up the car, filled it up with gas and My Son changed the oil and checked all my fluid levels. I was ready for anything. Anything but rain that is …

The last time that I took the car out on the highway, I came home in a rainstorm. My windshield wiper barely made it home. I asked My Son to have a look at it. He snapped it into place and that was that. Then … I went out in the rain again and my wiper almost came off again. I knew what to do, so I snapped it back into place. And I haven’t driven in the rain since.

Need I say more? Here I was with three friends who entrusted me with their lives. I was driving them to a town 45 minutes away and we ran into intermittent showers. I turned on the wipers and held my breath. Please stay intact! Please work! Please stop raining!

But it didn’t. So I had to stop and snap it back into place. Four times. On a highway with cars driving by at 110+ km per hour. I had visions of being pegged off by a passing car and flying off into the sunset . And to think that I had wasted my last day on earth fighting with Microsoft Word ….

Somehow in the midst of being afraid for my life and the safety of my passengers, with the added distraction of the dangling windshield wiper … all four of us missed the turn off to the town we were driving to. This is a large town! It is well marked. I have no idea how I missed it because I was quite literally praying to get there in one piece and my eyes were honed in and watching for that green highway signs that are well posted along the highway.

I know this highway well. I recognized the landmarks that told me we were moments away. But I missed the signs!! I quietly wondered aloud if I had missed the turn. My passengers laughingly replied, “Well if we hit Duck Lake, we have gone too far.”

A little while later we saw signs of civilization on the horizon. Billboards galore and I was almost positive one of them said “Duck Lake”. Sure enough. We overshot our destination.

It was raining (again) and my wiper blade was hanging on by a thread. I refused to drive any further until I got my wiper blade fixed. Thankfully, we came upon a service station where the gentlemen jimmied up something that they were ‘almost sure’ would work.

So we headed back to our original destination on a wing and a prayer and (eventually … we overshot our destination once again and took the long way around and back into town) arrived half an hour later than our original plan (yes Mom, I know this is why you leave for your destinations an hour early!).  

We actually arrived at a perfect time and we had just the right amount of time for our supper, dessert and coffee before the play started. The evening went perfectly once we finally got there.

Wouldn’t you know it. It never rained again. So I didn’t get to test my wiper. I had my hands clenched on the steering wheel as I prayed “please don’t let me get a flat tire” most of the way home.

Never have I been happier to drive up onto our driveway and usher my passengers safely to their vehicles.

We have plans to go out again next week. I offered to drive. Their reply? “That’s okay … we can walk”.

As I sit back and write this, I can laugh. But at several points throughout this little misadventure, I saw my life pass before me. You often hear of people getting killed on the highway when they are stopped on the side of the road. And how had I spent my last day? Stressing out over a Word Document at work.

And why was I having such a struggle with such a ‘simple’ concept? Because I didn’t stop and take a break.

I am quite certain that if I had stopped and had lunch, things could have turned out very differently.

Stop and breathe. Take your allotted rest periods. What if this was your last day of life-as-you-know-it? Would you be satisfied with the way that you spent it?

Stability Wanted - Apply Within

I have had the privilege of working at Job #1 for three days this week. They booked me for these days about a month ago so I've had plenty of notice. But that is not the best thing. The best part is the regularity of hours.

I am working 8 a.m until 4 p.m., with the option of taking a half hour lunch and starting a half hour later or leaving a half hour earlier.

My first day of work, I had an appointment to donate blood at 5 p.m., so I arrived early for my appointment to save myself the hassle of either trying to waste an hour downtown or else drive home and back. It was a good plan. Instead of arriving for my appointment at 5:05 as originally planned, I was leaving the building and on my way home. I gained an hour that day.

Yesterday, I was home by 4:30 ... and that was after picking up a handful of groceries on my way home. I threw some potatoes on the barbeque and washed the car windows while I waited for supper to cook. By the time we sat down to eat, I had finished what I had set out to do.

I had energy left over at the end of the day. This is a new feeling for me.

When I work at Job #2, I come home and just want to wash the day off of me and be still for whatever time is left in the day.

When I don't work, I fritter the day away and rarely accomplish anything noteworthy. 

Days of being ready to dash off to work at a moments notice often result in a day of non-productivity. If I do get called to work in a new environment, it takes an energy from me that depletes my ambition levels once I get home.

I have a finite amount of energy within me. When I am in a comfortable work routine where I know where I am going, my hours of work and my job I can utilize my at-work energy while I am working with something left in me at the end of the day.

Fourteen years ago, I had an epiphany. I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor with my newborn baby and I knew exactly what I wanted to be. A mom. I replayed my prior 20 years of parenting in my mind and saw how little I had left to give my children when I worked out of my home every day. I did what I had to do and did the best with the situation I was given. But my children got 'leftovers'.

Maybe that is why I am having a hard time with this reentry into the work world. I'm tired of leftovers at the end of the day. I am still in quest of a good main course which revives and energizes me.

I'm looking for stability. I need something solid beneath my feet. I've been at sea long enough.

My Annual "Loose Ends" Post

As I have been consumed with tying up loose ends lately, I searched my blog to see if I had already used the title "Loose Ends" and it seems that it is an annual event for me:

• April 8, 2010 - "Loose Ends" ... energy spent on not doing things has been wasting a lot of my resources lately
• July 12, 2011 - "Loose Ends" ... I see time and space to pursue that which I had only begun. I see the state of 'completion' in my future

So here I go again ...

This year, the annual Loose Ends Report seems to be more of an internal one.

I have been reflecting on this past year a lot. It has been a messy one and I am almost at the end of it. I will soon be back at the point which all of this began.

There has been a massive amount of clutter which has accumulated within my thoughts. I have dug myself into a hole and I need to dig my way out. My head is in dire need of a good spring cleaning and I must purge myself of the non-productive thinking, negativity and self doubts that have amassed.

I can feel the weight of all that I am not doing zapping my energy. I quite literally sat on the couch this past weekend feeling completely overwhelmed with all that I should be doing. I could have picked myself up off of the couch and done one thing. Instead, I felt paralyzed into a state of inertia.

I have gathered a bit of momentum by tying up a few loose ends that are invisible to the naked eye. I have had various paperwork, forms and renewals which have all been tended to. I have regained some semblance of control there.

My role of 'social co-ordinator' has been fulfilled for the moment. Three gatherings have been arranged, company is coming and a family gathering is on the horizon. Fun times ahead. I feel a good momentum starting here.

I know what my work schedule is for the week. I am only booked to work one day at the job which comes with no guarantee that the hours won't be changed on the spot. I feel energized by this fact.

I have company coming which should spur on a good amount of productivity this week. This is good. And it must continue!

I have one wish for this upcoming year. A predictable and reliable work schedule and pay cheque. I have been working with a variable income for 14 years and this past year was by far the worst.

Financial concerns weigh heavy on my mind. I know that I have enough contingency plans in place that the bills will be covered. But the thing that I miss most of all? Room to dream ...

Perhaps that is why I went out of my way to ensure my passport was renewed before it expired this fall. I may not have the funds to utilize my passport ... but as long as it is valid, I still have room to dream.

When I lose the ability to dream, a part of me dies inside. I need to keep that vital part of me alive. I think that I can find it within. I just need to do a little more spring cleaning ...

At Home Holiday

I have a weekend off! I did not request or need it. When I looked at the schedule, I thought it must be a mistake. So I kept checking. The weekend has arrived and it is mine! To do with, as I please ...

I am giving myself an at-home-hotel-retreat morning.

I am watching 'Gilmore Girls' in my room. I have my morning coffee at my side. I have my computer, the Internet and the world is at my fingertips. I have closed my bedroom door and it feels as though I am in a hotel room. Without the packing, the expense or the forethought required to step away from life-at-home. I am taking a regular, ordinary Saturday and turning it into a mini retreat.

My Youngest & I are off to see the new Batman movie in an hour. I wonder if we can find a way to prolong this outing. We have absolutely no reason to hurry home. We can do absolutely anything that we want to do.

I hope we choose to do something ...