Letter to My Graduate

Well, you did it! Today is your graduation day. The hard work, the stresses, the ups and downs, the challenges of joys of your school days thus far are now tucked safely behind you. Today is just another day but it is a milestone worth celebrating. You did it!! And you did it well. I can say everything I have to say in five words but you know me. Brevity is not my strong point so let me prove my way through those very five words.

You came into my world when I least expected you but I knew right from the start. "This child is going to make a difference. I know it. I can feel it." I was right. You have only just begun to live your life but I marvel at the ways you quietly make your way.

I watch and listen to you when you are in the presence of those younger than you. Your quiet presence, acceptance and gentle manner invites trust. You tread softly and those around you quieten so they can hear you. Your calmness soothes our world.

You are a man of few words and when you speak, the words you have to say are important. You dismiss idle chit chat in favor of silence. You break the silence when you have something to say. You have so much inside of you, I want to hear it all. When you are ready. Only when you are ready.

The way you treat our little cat family is so very telling. Your compassion, your ability to observe and appreciate the non-verbal language of your black, furry friends has developed into conversations about cats that amuse and entertain me as well as fill me with perspective about what you see and how you interpret that information.

I think of the heartbreak we shared as we walked with André through his final days. As a mother, I wanted to protect you from heartache. I saw how much you loved and adored that little black cat. I couldn't bear the thought of ever losing him. But we did. We walked through our grief together. We said good-bye to him together. We celebrated the memories we had of him together. It was a hard lesson but it was important. We walked through life, love and loss together. And we are still standing, still celebrating and still remembering that time of great love with an open heart. It was a hard lesson but I hope it will help you when you confront loss in the future.

Loving deeply can hurt. I hope you choose to love with all of your heart knowing that fact. Loving deeply, following your heart, spreading joy, putting words and actions to your feelings is life affirming. You get back what you give in life. If you love deeply, you risk a broken heart. Trust me when I say "Every time my heart was broken, it was worth every moment." The only regrets I have are not loving more, putting a voice to my heart and speaking with loving actions when the words evaded me.

Most importantly, remember today is "just another day". Do not feel like you have to take any giant steps forward from here. Your heart will lead the way if you are quiet enough to hear when it speaks to you. No one knows what they want to do "for the rest of their life" at the age of eighteen. Some may know what they want to do next and that is good. Taking the next forward step when it feels like it is the step that you want to take is always the right choice.

Don't worry about the future. It will take care of itself. Do appreciate your "todays" though. "Today" is important in its simplicity. Keep taking one forward step from here. Try to keep going forward but recognize and appreciate that the definition is not as straight forward as it sounds. Sometimes it is one step forward, four steps back. Sometimes it is moving forward then retreating when it feels like it is not the right direction for you. Sometimes forward is even standing still and holding firm when you feel like you are sinking.

Do not define yourself by anyone else's standards but your own. Saying that, please do not be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself with grace, forgiveness, compassion and understanding. Remember these words when the going gets tough. YOU are worth it. You are ALWAYS worth it. I knew this the moment I knew of your existence. And you have proved every word of this to be true.

Simply put (here are the five words that say everything I have to say), "I am proud of you." No matter what. No matter where you go from here. No matter who you do or don't become. I am proud of you for the person you are today and the person you are growing into. Always and forever.

With all my love,
Mom

Project Happiness (https://www.facebook.com/projecthappiness)

"If there were one word that could act as a standard of conduct for one's entire life, perhaps it would be 'thoughtfulness.' " ~Confucius

Fashion and Decorating 101

I just stumbled upon "Sarah Baeumler's" blog and it has been an enjoyable find since the majority of the blog authors I read now write on a very sporadic basis (something I can completely relate to).

This morning I read her post "Why I Love White Rooms". I thought "this" was a concept that sounded like me. Basic white goes with anything and everything. Sarah's flare is quite different than mine which can be summed up by this one sentence "I believe that if you design your home the way you style your closet, then you are sure to create a home that reflects your sense of self." (Sarah Baeumler)

I laughed when I read that. My idea of a perfect wardrobe would be that of a cartoon character. Wilma Flintstone comes to mind. Wilma wore the exact same dress episode after episode, year after year. Her hair was swept up in a "do" that was exactly the same every day. Simplicity, ease and comfort. She wasted not an extra moment of her day wondering what to wear. She simply pulled out a clean version of yesterday's attire all year long.

When I googled images for "Wilma Flintstone", I found the very odd deviation to Wilma's old stand by. They were dresses of exactly the same style, but in different colors. She had a bathing suit, an apron and I seem to remember her dressed up for some fancy occasion a time or two so Wilma did have what she needed when the occasion called for it but for the most part her wardrobe was simply functional.

A functional wardrobe describes "me" to a tee. I don't like to have to think about what I'm going to wear and whatever I wear must be comfortable, drape in all the right places and gape in none of the wrong places. I have to be able to move and there must be room to breathe.

Hey, Sarah! I do believe you are onto something here because that is exactly the way I strive to make our home work for us. Comfortable, servicable, we are able to move and there is room to breathe. I don't want anything fancy, fussy or ornate.

Both my wardrobe and my decorating are a little ways away from being exactly what I want but now that I recognize my fashion sense, I'll know when I've found the right look.

Looking Up and Beyond the Moment

I have discovered the easiest way to clean my world is to wash my glasses. Yes, I suppose one would say you could see the dirt better that way but I choose to look up and beyond all that. Clean glasses make my head feel clearer and that is a very good place to start.

I like when my vision is clear and unobstructed. A clean windshield, clean windows or a flat Saskatchewan prairie landscape. I feel claustrophobic in the mountains, where "as far as your eye can see" is the treed face of a rock and where "walking through a cloud" is possible.

I like a clear vision of where I want to go within my world. Obstacles are meant to be cleared away and overcome so I can find my way back to my old, familiar path.

My view feels obstructed these days. I can't see beyond where I'm at and while living in the moment is a nice place to be, I'm looking into the horizon and wondering "What's next?"

I feel ready to undergo a minor metamorphosis. I am craving change. I feel like I'm ready to move in a brand new and unexpected direction.

My children are grown and before I know it, my youngest will be ready to try out his wings. Do you know what? I think I'm ready to spread my wings and see if I remember how to fly too.

That's what clean glasses will do for a person. I woke up this morning feeling foggy and rather lack lustre about the day ahead of me. Now I feel like I'm looking up and beyond the day and into the mystical world of the future. I wonder what lies ahead? It could be more of the same. Especially if I keep doing what I'm doing. But what if I change just one thing? What if?

A Safe Place to Land

Our devious little black cats have convinced me to sit outside with my coffee this morning, so I'm balancing my laptop on my lap and trying to sip on the last quiet cup of coffee I will have today as I try to keep my eye on our cats' whereabouts.

Ray is our timid cat. He could not even be convinced to come into the back yard the first few years he lived with us. Then gradually my youngest weaned him into the idea that our back yard was a safe place to play and his other black partners in cat-hood made the idea look incredibly intriguing. So he is now the cagiest little guy. He dashes out the door with a determination unrivalled by his predecessors. Andre was determined and sneaky. Ray is just like a bulldozer. If he wants outside he goes for it full throttle. He blasts past and beyond you before you even know he was there.

Jet is more of a thinker. He plays mind games with me. First, he started clawing at the weather stripping at the bottom of our brand new door so I opened up the inside door thinking there was nothing he could wreck on it. I was wrong. He has chewed up the weather stripping along the door casing. BRAND NEW weather stripping. Chewed up by our cat!

I shooed Jet into the kitchen with me and closed the sliding door so he did not have access to the back door at all. He then proceeded to sit in front of and on my computer. When I ignored that, he knocked the Kleenex box beside me, onto the floor. Then the box of eye glass wipes which was under that. Anything to get my attention.

I could have just moved my computer and walked away from his antics but it is absolutely gorgeous outside this morning so here I am.

Jet is contently sitting in a spot of shade he found beside me and Ray is here, there and everywhere. He has recently discovered there is life outside of the confines of our yard and he is bound and determined to check it out. I have had to shoo him back into our yard three times in the brief time we've been sitting out here.

Ray reminds me so much of myself. I too, am very content and happy within the confines of our home. When I do go out and explore new territory, my eyes feel like they are filled with terror in the same way that Ray's eyes look when he is on high alert.

I watch Ray watching Jet and copying what he does in the same way I eye up other people's bravery and outgoing ways. "I want to be more like them" Ray and I think to ourselves as we watch people more adventuresome than ourselves live the good life.

Both Ray and I need to know the door to our home is open and ready for us to dart back into when our fears overcome us. But do you know what? Even our adventuresome Jet-Cat needs to know the same thing.

Even the bravest soul needs a safe place to land when taking on the world. Maybe Ray and I are not so unique after all.

A Few Cat Adventures in our Very Own Back Yard:

The roof on top of our playground structure has provided the perfect cat hammock for bird watching all the birds who play in our neighbor's tree. The only trouble with that vantage point is that they have a "bird's eye view" of our neighbor's yard and they can't help themselves. They must jump in and explore the "cat nesting areas" under their shaded and overgrown trees. It is a cat haven over there. 

Checking out the playground

Rain? Who cares?! They just had to go out and watch and experience it first hand.

The boys hanging out on the "cat walk"

What's Next?

A week from today, I shall be sitting in an auditorium watching my youngest son graduate from high school. It is the end of an era. This milestone has stirred up my thoughts, emotions and really has me asking myself the question "What's next?"

The short story I wrote in my head upon the birth of my oldest child (when I was young and naive enough to believe that raising a child ended upon them attaining their eighteenth birthday) was "Only eighteen more years ..." I didn't even have an end to that thought thirty eight years ago, so it is no wonder I am having trouble completing that sentence today.

What did I think was going to happen after I raised my child(ren) to a state of adulthood? Was it a sense of responsibility that would be lifted? An opportunity to do what I wanted with my life afterwards? Was I going to pick up where I left off with my education? What life goals were pre-empted that I had that thought that I would continue after eighteen years?

I remember the panic I felt when I was raising dependent children. The fear that I may not live to see them through their dependent years was an overwhelming concern. I often thought that the only reason I would want to know my expected "date of departure" from this world, was if I had children dependent on me so I could ensure proper arrangements were made.

I survived the years of raising children. There has been an overwhelming sense of "My work here is done" wafting through my mind.

Honestly, what could possibly be left for me to do? I have raised my children. I have written a few books. I have made family connections, initiated a few reunions and fulfilled my purpose within our family. I gave while the giving was good, I danced as far as my dancing shoes would take me, I wrote, I learned, I wrote, I shared. What else could I possibly have to do to make my life worthwhile?

I suppose I could pay off my mortgage. That's it!  I guess I'm going to be around for a good, long while after all. I may as well look for some positive diversions while I chip away at that next item on my to-do list.

Roller Coasters

Is there a barometer to measure "where I should be" in my life right now? I somehow feel there is and I am terribly afraid I'm not measuring up.

Had all gone "according to plan", my house would have been paid off seven years ago, my RRSP and pension savings would have been inflated by compound interest and regular contributions and I may just have had that "three month emergency plan" saved by now.

I should be looking at retirement and thinking of all the different options I may have once a full-time job is no longer a full-time requirement. I simply could be looking into the future feeling like I HAVE some options.

I have none of the above. I can't see my way through and beyond the bleak financial pit of despair I have created for myself and by myself. "Working forever" seems to be my only viable option and I am not feeling like I am capable of working past this week most of the time.

When I think of describing "where I am at" in this road map of my life, I am almost embarrassed. "I AM HERE", the same place I was eighteen years ago. I haven't moved forward. I've thrown the dice and moved ahead but like a game of snakes and ladders, I feel like I just keep hitting those darn "snakes" and slip down to the start gate again.

I have enjoyed the game up until the last short while. I think the turning point may have been when I tried to pull myself up and out of the "snake pit" and tried working outside of my home. When that little experiment failed so completely and fully, I hunkered down into survival mode and have been simply paying the bills ever since.

My dancing days are over. My whimsical vacations are in the past. There is no room to dream within this small little life I have created. Then when I do manage to get a two day weekend, I fritter it away sleeping and running a "Gilmore Girls Marathon".

I need to crunch some numbers. I need to find a way of having more money left over at the end of the bills. I need to pay off debt and free up some room to believe that I was not placed on this earth simply to accumulate debt and trust that my life insurance will pay it off when I die.

The trouble with that is, that I really don't want to work any harder than I am currently working. I want to downsize my life, my debt load, my responsibilities and everything I do. I want to work less, move less, pay less, do less but I really don't want to give anything up or do anything extra in order to accomplish this feat.

When I made the move to "become a mom" in lieu of chasing my financial freedom, I did it with the best of intents. I had no regrets because I chose to focus my energy on being present, raising my family, stop counting pennies and start collecting memories instead.

It was good while it lasted.

I now have three adult children and I am back at the beginning line. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. A quiet little life that I have "built" which does not exist outside of my safe little existence within this heavily mortgaged home.

I'm feeling a little bit nervous. I could sell everything and start from "zero" again. But at this age and stage of my life? If I thought changing careers at age fifty was a roller coaster ride I never want to revisit, I highly doubt "starting from scratch" is the answer to my current dilemma.

I can't look too far ahead. I feel like I'm at the tip of that roller coaster without knowing what lies beyond what I can see. There isn't a view. It is wide open and empty space.

I must simply trust that the track is laid and no matter how thrilling and chilling the descent may be, I am still on a track that I laid myself.

I have so much. I have safety and security within my life, my family and my home. This "track" is solid. It is not going anywhere. I just don't think I will be climbing any new hills any time soon.

This roller coaster ride isn't as scary as it was at one time. It is so much of a tamer ride than some of the previous "rides" of my life. It's okay. The track is solid. It's strong enough to hold me. It's just that I know this "track" hasn't been inspected for a while. I'm relying heavily on faith that it all works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out yet, it is not yet the end.

Why was this very same quote not as reassuring as it once was?

Move!

My days of "early morning movement" seem to be a thing of the past. The question is: "Can I begin again?" My answer (thus far) has been: "But why?"

I think I was happier when I was moving. Or was I simply delirious from the exhaustion? I thought getting up at 4:52 a.m. was attainable but the early and earlier bedtimes were a hard habit to maintain. Yes, I'll just blame the early bedtimes, that's it.

Last week, I pushed myself out of my quiet little life and found myself smack dab in the middle of a family gathering. I was tried VERY hard to maintain the "confident new self" I have come to know the past decade or so but I FELT so very much like my quiet ten year old self of my childhood. 

I came home from that event feeling bruised, beaten and wishing I could "take back the day" and undo every little thing I said or did. It was a blast from my past. It was a rerun from the days when I was a child and said "the wrong thing", then came home and rewound the tape over and over and over again and "rued" my day, my existence and the very fibre of my being.

My bounce-back ability is usually better than this. I am not certain why the elasticity of that ability to regain my composure was missing. Maybe it was lack of sleep?

I had two complete and total days "off" this past weekend. I had so many little things I wanted to accomplish. What did I do? I slept. I slept and slept and then slept some more.

I talked to a few people. I confessed a little bit of what I was feeling. Was I feeling shame? Brenè Brown says shame cannot exist when it is spoken out loud. So I spoke a little. I felt a little bit better. But I still didn't feel "myself". I am starting to feel fearful. What if that girl who gained some confidence and was mostly happy is gone forever??

I woke up still feeling "tired" this morning but I think I'm bouncing back to life. My daycare crowd did not picking up on my negative vibes today so I think my bad vibrations are settling down.

Maybe I should go for a good, long walk. Maybe I should have a good, long talk. Maybe this is just one of those things I have to endure and push myself through the discomfort and through to the other side. I have read that the best way out of a bad mood is to "move". I haven't been moving much, so maybe I should heed that advise.

Compliments of "Project Happiness" ( https://www.facebook.com/projecthappiness/photos/pb.43808911636.-2207520000.1466394388./10153487041561637/?type=3&theater):

“In 2010, the APA finally caught up with Hippocrates, who recommended that all people in a bad mood should go for a walk—and if it did not improve, walk again. Sedentary behavior causes brain impairment, and we know how: by depriving your brain of the flood of neurochemistry that evolution developed in order to grow brains and keep them healthy.” ~John Ratey