Parenting

I have to admit that I've had it pretty easy in the parenting department lately. Having 2 adult children certainly helps.

That leaves 'Son #3'. He has been an easy guy to raise. He has grown up in a house full of children, hearing my voice govern the masses who have grown up in our home. It seems rare that I have had to address him on minor issues because he has simply learned with the other kids in my care. He idolizes 'Son #2' and I can see him aspiring to be like him in many ways. We've had a good run these past 11 years.

So when the vice principal of the school called me yesterday afternoon and told me of the infraction that happened after school, I was taken completely off guard. In a word, I was disappointed. A second word to describe my emotions would be surprised.

I've had 15 hours to ponder the crime and its aftermath and I must admit that I'm glad we are dealing with a relatively minor infraction. There are many lessons in peer pressure that this incident gives us a chance to address before the outcome becomes much more serious.

He was given a writing assignment to explain the who/what/why of the incident; what he should have done differently; and how he can get the staff to trust him again. The teacher invited me to add onto this assignment and I asked him to write about what he would do if he was the parent or the teacher who was dealing with this behaviour.

He couldn't make eye contact with me after this incident and the words were stuck in his throat. But he could write.

He wrote about what he did, how it was no one's fault but his own, he had no explanation as to why he did it. The best he could come up with was "... I was just being stupid, I guess ..."

He wrote that he felt that he deserves whatever punishment he gets. When he doled out the punishment that he thought the school and I should give him, he was much harder on himself than I was prepared to be.

I commented on what I agreed with and remained mum on the extra punishments he inflicted on himself. We'll leave that for discussion.

I talked to him about the dangers of not making good decisions when you are with friends. When one takes this 'group mentality' a step further, it is what leads into vandalism, theft, bullying (or standing by and accepting a bully's behaviour) and the list goes on.

In the light of day, I'm relieved that this was a cheap lesson. He took responsibility for his actions and told the truth even under duress. I am incredibly relieved to hear his conscience speak loudly through what he wrote.

I have had pivotal moments like this with each of my sons that preceded this.

Son #1 wasn't a talker, so when we had a crisis moment and he wouldn't speak to me I was at a loss as what to do. Simply put ... I lost it. I made bad parenting choices that (I believe) changed the course of our mother/son relationship. I wish that I had had the insight to find a way for him to communicate his thoughts in a different way.

Son #2 was a talker. Granted, there were many moments that weren't fun to endure but we cleared the air. We knew where we stood with each other and the end result was a good one. We talk through everything to this day.

I've been working on my parenting career for almost 31 years now. And I'm still learning.