Just Write

Lately, I seem to have hit a wall. I wake up with an empty slate for a brain. Well ... it's not entirely empty. But it's not exactly entertaining either. To-do-lists for my life aren't that, of which blogs are made.

The quieter I got, the more I started thinking "Who do I think I am, anyway?" Why do I write? Is it because of the audience? If so, I must seem self centred and arrogant. It made me take a step back and just be quiet.

I need to invest myself more in my own life. It's all good and fine to sit back and write about it. But when all is said and done, isn't it better to have lived a good life than to have rewound it, replayed it and revisited it to excess?

I thought of the people's lives who touch mine, who are going through an emotionally exhausting time in their life. I can't begin to comprehend all that they are living right now ... and to think that they may read my words and look at my life-through-rose-colored-glasses take on my own world? It simply made me cringe.

So I wrote some nonsensical blogs. Light, fluffy, no content ... just a rambling of some of the clutter in my mind. My fingers needed the exercise. It is frightening what happens to me when I sit down in front of an empty computer screen. I can think one thought and by the time the words get from my brain to my fingertips, it has morphed into something completely different than my original idea.

I stopped writing. I took time to pause. Time to breathe. Time to live. And it was very good.

This morning, I was reading one of my many favorite blogs which happens to be written by an author. What was her advice to those who wanted to write but didn't know how to begin? "Just write."

I have taken those words literally this morning. I opened up this blog page and let my fingers do the talking. I had no particular message to get across ... other than sometimes ... you just have to do something.

It is times whenever I'm stuck in limbo - a place of indecision, a place that I need to make a move one way or another - that I feel the most powerless. I hate the process of wavering and over thinking. I love the sensation that overtakes me when I take action - any action. I feel in control -back in the driver's seat of my life.

I have sat in the passenger seat for too many years. Now I'm driving (and I get a little queasy when I must just sit back idly and watch the scenery pass me by). I may not always take the most direct route, but I know what direction I want to go.

I've taken a little rest stop. I'm ready to forge on.

I started this blog as a way to journal life and how I see it. It has always been a more personal journey than anything else. By writing my words in a public forum, it has made me cautious and more likely to put a positive spin on most anything I'm living. It wasn't for the audience.

I now have a small following of readers and it overwhelms me at times. Who do I think I am?? is the question that haunts me.

I am Colleen. I love to write. And that's just what I'm going to do ...