No One to Blame But Myself

I have created a monster. I've been procrastinating and it's catching up with me.

I need a certain amount of stress in my life in order to be productive. It's time to do something before the walls start caving in.

Book keeping.

I get my work in bits and snatches. Big, onerous jobs. Small, tedious jobs. Mundane, monthly jobs. Repetitive, annoying jobs. I have wondered why I am going to school to do more of this. But the one thing I've learned at school is a glimpse at the way this job could run if we were caught up. I keep chasing that dream.

But in the mean time ... I've been putting off until tomorrow, what should have been done yesterday.

It all caught up with me yesterday. All of a sudden, I was looking at three separate jobs that I needed to get done. I could have cried. But I didn't. Instead ... I did nothing.

I could have sworn I was getting sick. I was sitting still and the room was spinning. I was nauseous. I went to the computer to see if I could start tackling the job I like best (out of the three jobs that needed to be done). I felt awful.

So I laid down.

I think that I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes because all of a sudden, I knew I could sleep no more. So I got up and worked.

I stood up and did a 'sorting and labeling' job at the kitchen table. I belabored the fact that I was doing this when my body just wanted to lay down. But was it procrastination? Or was it real?

I pushed my way through two hours of work. Then I sat at the computer to try and get a handle on the newest work-to-be-done. I puttered for 10 minutes and the dizzy/queasy feeling resurfaced. Was it the fact that I was uncovering errors in the work I had previously done and didn't know where to begin? Or was I really under the weather?

I felt ever so much better when I laid down. Was it because I was happy to be taking a step away from the work that was overwhelming me? Or was I coming down with that stomach bug that's been going around?

Life took over and Youngest Son wanted me to take him to the store for something he 'needed'. I had errands of my own that had to be run, so we succeeded in getting to and from our destination without my symptoms reoccurring. Maybe I was faking it.

We barely returned when my mom called. I heard my voice when I was talking to her. It was not the voice of a sick person. I think my illness was called 'avoidance'.

I had to bite the bullet. I had to do something so that this work wouldn't overtake my Sunday.

I managed to putter around for a few more hours before I forced myself to sit down and face the music. But I am so glad that I did.

I berated myself for letting this happen.

I could have completed the work that was in the house on Friday. When more work was dropped off yesterday, I wouldn't have become so overwhelmed that my body quite literally shut down.

I quite honestly felt as capable as a two year old, who is faced with picking up a huge mess that someone else created.

Sometimes that is what this book keeping feels like. We are constantly fixing 'errors of the past'. We just can't get ahead. The moment that we seem to be making progress, we run into another snag (or set of errors that have to be corrected before we can carry on).

I feel like a hamster running for his life on that wheel in his cage. I'm doing my best, but I'm getting no where.

Speaking of that, I must put this post to rest. I have work to do. And I don't have time to feign illness today. The work must get done.

No one did this to me ... I did it all on my own. Now I must dig myself out. Because I have many much more important things on my horizon (three upcoming events within the next 5 weeks).

Good stuff is right around the corner. It's time to get a handle on this book keeping so that it can't haunt me when I have better places to spend my energy!