Limits

I have a friend that is walking down a worn old path right now. She's revisiting a relationship of the past.

I don't talk to her often. I don't know all of the circumstances and the circumstances that I am aware of, justify where she is 'at' right now. But when we talk, I feel very uneasy about the road she's on.

This friend and I have lived two completely separate lives, yet we found parallel partners in life. It is the similarity of those relationships that makes me feel that this is not going to have a fairy tale ending ...

We both fell for the 'bad boy'. The guy that - "if you just love him enough" ... will change. The guy that you love as much as you hate. A relationship where the good times are great ... and the bad times are beyond dreadful. He's the kind of guy that gets under your skin and stays there.

It is a relationship where you let yourself believe "If only ...." you had done this or that ... or not done or said something ... it could have been better. It is a relationship that has you doubting yourself on every level. You give and give until you are empty. Then when you are finally depleted, they wonder what is wrong with you.

It's a relationship where it is your best interests to walk away. It's best for you, your partner and your children. The children ...

They are the true victims of all of this. They have been born into this scenario through no fault of their own. They are the ties that bind. They are one of the many reasons why we hold onto the dream that our partner could change.

I can only speak from my own experience here. Even at that, my view is skewed because I am seeing only my side of things. But from where I sat, my ex used our children as a way to get to me. I'm sure that our children were also part of what he missed. But he saw me and our children as 'one'. I was part of the package.

There was very intermittent contact made after we broke up and stayed apart. For years, I had one wish. I wished that he could simply own up to his part in what went wrong between us. I hoped that he would look me in the eyes one day and simply say "I'm sorry" ... and walk away.

Oh, I got my wish (be careful what you wish for) ... but the apology came along with a 'but'. But it was because of this or that and most of all ... it was because of what I did. We were back to square one. This happened on enough occasions that the final straw came just over two years ago.

Our youngest child was 19 years old. Both of our children were adults. My part in trying to keep the door ajar while they were young was over. So when our last encounter scared me more than I had ever been scared in the entirety of our marriage, I closed the door and locked it. I was done. End of chapter.

There has been a peace that has washed over me since I walked away - emotionally and physically.

Since that time, I have self imposed limits that I have placed in my life. I haven't walked away from everything, but I have walked away from those who need too much from me. I cannot 'make' another person happy. I can't fix anyone. I've walked away from 'if-onlys' and I've walked towards a life where the ground beneath my feet is solid.

I empathize with my friend. The child from this marriage is still a minor ... and a boy who truly wants to know his dad. The circumstances in this partnership leave my friend feeling the need (justifiably so) to intervene. She needs to know what is being 'fed' to their child via his father (because in the past, it has not always been in their child's best interests). If my friend was to close this door and walk away, her son would feel betrayed. If she was to take herself out of the equation and leave the contact to her son and his father, her son is at risk. If her son was not involved and she could simply make the decision to walk away from all of this ... she would wonder about how this scenario would have played out.

I can only guess at how torn my friend must feel. I fear for her, though I know that she is emotionally stronger, more secure and happier than I have ever known her to be. I know she must follow this path.

My only advice? Set limits. And don't let anyone push them. You deserve it.