Craving Conversation

I have been craving real, down-to-earth, honest to goodness two-way conversation lately.

I have been unable to silence the words swimming around in my head because all of a sudden I have become overly cautious of what I write here. This spot has been the place where I unload my thoughts - whether they are deep and thoughtful or frivolous and a little inane. But lately, I have been unable to relax and be myself and it's messing up my coping strategies.

Recently, I have found myself missing the days of going to a job (or having my work come to me at home) where I knew the people that I worked with and worked for. Oh, the trivial words that we unload on those we see on a regular basis. Talk to someone every day and you have a load of information to share the next day. Talk with someone once or twice a year and when asked what's new, the answer is too often, "Oh, the same old, same old ..."

I work with different people almost every day. More often than not, there is no one to talk to in the office or else no time to talk. The circumstances vary, but my work days are all about work these days. I miss the camaraderie of working with the same group of people so that you start to feel part of the work-family.

I have withdrawn into a quiet after-work life. I come home, deal with supper, clean up the loose ends of the day and get ready for bed.

I went dancing last week, but it has been so long since I was there that it didn't feel quite the same as it used to feel. That could be easily remedied by attending regularly again, but my heart just isn't in it right now. A few variables at play, but the dance studio just isn't my 'happy place' at the moment. I miss that too ...

My mom and brother came home for a funeral last week. They picked me up and we drove together, but it is hard to have a conversation in a car. My voice doesn't carry or turn corners and though I enjoyed listening, it was not quite the same as when conversation rallies back and forth between the players.

The memorial service was very good and the lunch afterwards brought old friends and neighbors together under one roof. Mom said it felt like 'Cheers' ... where everyone knows your name. It was a thoroughly enjoyable atmosphere and I was very relaxed. But once again, it was a place where polite small talk was volleyed around the room. No conversations that made your knees shake.

From there, we stopped briefly at my sisters before we headed back on the highway to my place. It was late when we got home and I had lost the ability to put words together in the form of a sentence. I was so exhausted that it hurt to stay awake.

I was booked to work the next morning and I was out the door and headed to work before my company awoke. That was disappointing. I missed the opportunity to recap the prior day and enjoy my company and that two (or three) way conversation that I had been craving.

Thankfully the tides started turning.

Friday morning, my Middle Son and I both had the morning off so we went out for a bite to eat, a few cups of coffee and conversation. Then he cooked breakfast for us all weekend and we enjoyed some light banter each morning.

A friend called last night and I was beyond relieved when I saw her number appear on the call display. Conversation a friend was exactly what I wanted and needed.

I let down my guard here yesterday morning and simply wrote what I felt for the first time in a while. The moment I released the words, I immediately felt better.

I live a quiet life. I believe that is why I have so much to write about in this little spot that I call home. When a person has a lot of people in their life, the words are released in day-to-day conversation. I don't have that. So I rely on this blog spot to unload the excess.

I need this place to feel comfortable and a spot where I can let go and ramble. Yes, often I write much about nothing. But if I stop, where will those words go? My head is tired of thinking. I just want to empty it out and move forward.

And that is just what I intend to do.