I Think I Need to Break Up With Myself

My relationship status has been a rather on again, off again part of my life.

I was married a year; divorced a year; married (the same man) for two more years; separated another two years; reconciled for three years. The end.

Two years after the last break up I met another man. We were together for four years; remained friends for about three years after that; a slight reconciliation; only to go our separate ways for about three more years; and get back together for seven years. The end.

That seven (plus ten) year relationship ended five years ago.

I allowed myself to live, feel and let go of the devastation for a while. Then I began a rebuilding process within myself that brought me to the best place that I have ever known in my life. I was at peace with myself and where I was going. And I honestly felt that I was going some place ...

The past year has been taxing. I feel used up and lost. I am at odds with myself, my world and where I am headed. I would love nothing more than to pick up and start from scratch in a brand new life somewhere. But I must finish raising my (almost) 14 year old son first. So I sit and wonder ... where do I go from here??

I need to reinvent myself. Keep what has worked for me in the past and discard the rest. Like an old relationship.

Yesterday I became mesmerized by all of the home makeover shows on TV. The idea of gutting something and turning it into something modern and wonderful took root in my mind and made me wonder what those miracle workers could do around our home on my budget ...

Oh yes, my budget. The end.

But the idea of gutting something; keeping what is good and solid; then rebuilding around what is left is a very good place to start.

I think I need to walk away from what isn't working for me. I need to let go of what is holding me back. I need to get back to basics and rebuild something new and wonderful around that.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with the person that I am right now. It's time to break it off with that side of myself and let her go. I've been in a dysfunctional relationship with myself for the past year and I've had enough. I'm breaking it off and setting it free.

I don't know exactly what that means right now but sometimes my fingers know things that my head hasn't figured out yet. When I come back and read this post in a year I will realize what my subconscious mind was telling me as I set my fingers free and let them write what they wanted to write.

I'm going to renovate myself and keep within my budget. Self improvement comes at a cost but it isn't something that money can buy. So I have no excuse! The beginning ...