Where Did the Words Go?

I used to wake up with a theme in my head. I anticipated the day ahead and felt energetic and ready to take on the world. Something has changed and I can't quite put my finger on ... why.

I used to feel driven. There wasn't enough time in the day to do all that I wanted to do. When my mom spotted my to-do-list one time she was here she said, "I know that people write lists ... but I've never seen anyone write an allotted time beside each item?!?" Yes. That is how busy I felt. I had to schedule an estimated time to complete my task to see if it was even possible to meet the deadlines that I had in my head.

I used to make goals. Not only that, I used to regularly achieve what I set out to do.

I used to know (basically) how my day would unfold. When you 'know' (as much as anyone can assume to know these things) what is going to transpire in your day, you can make plans. My ability to make plans has gone out the window. I have attempted to make plans anyway and I have failed enough times that I have almost given up.

I used to be 100% responsible for the running of things-around-the-house. Over the course of the past few years, my Middle Son has taken over approximately 100% of the outdoor work and is my go-to-person whenever I can't fix something around the house or in the car. I have become reliant on another person. This is foreign to me. It is a blessing, I know. But it also makes me feel vulnerable. One day I will be on my own again. What then?

I used to plan and do. Now I dream and think. I used to know where I thought my life was headed. Now I guess. I used to feel in control. I know that control was an illusion. I used to think I had an unsteady and unreliable income. I didn't realize that it would get worse before it got better. I'm still struggling to make it get better.

I used to think that preventative maintenance would hinder life from surprising me. I have learned that you can (and should) do whatever you can to preserve what you have, but expect to be surprised. Life is funny that way.

I used to think '... and this too, shall pass away'. I know this is true. But I wonder ... 'when?'

Now I wake up in the morning expecting the unexpected. Even when I think that I know what my day has in store, I am often wrong. This takes an energy that seems to have consumed me. Some days.

So I sleep. I sleep a lot.  I wake up empty. Without words.

It is time to start making lists again. Lists used to overwhelm me. So I stopped making them. But those same lists used to motivate me. It is time to write out a list. Even if it is only a short one.

I want to wake up again, knowing that there are not enough hours in the day to do all that I have set out to do.

It is time to seek out and find myself, my ambition and my words again.