Broken

I'm not sure but I am wondering if my brain is broken.

The words "I already told you this"; "Don't you remember?"; "You said that already"; "Aren't you listening?" are ringing in my ears. I am hearing those phrases time and time again. Day after day.

My Second Son came over last night and I casually mentioned "People are being mean to me" (I am exaggerating here but it starts to feel mean when you hear the same thing over and over (and over) again. No one else knows how many times I've already heard the words "Don't you remember?" They think it is 'just them'.

Perhaps people were just giving me a break while my mind was preoccupied with our family book-assembling-project and reunion-planning. My brain continues to multitask, as I co-ordinate my daycare days with my weekend employment and extra-curricular writing and bookkeeping work.

I admit my thoughts are 'all over the map' these days. Even though the 'big stuff' is behind me, my brain is not shutting down and turning off. It is still busy scheming how to fit in what-I-want-to-do in between the cracks of what-I-must-do.

My concern still lies with so many people outside of my own doors. Christmas is coming and our family has faced great losses during the Christmas season for the past two years. My inner anxiety levels are rising for no outward reason.

I don't want to plan anything over the Christmas season because life keeps stepping in and taking over. If I don't plan, I am open to whatever comes my way. I have needed to be 'open' lately. Thus (perhaps?) my squeamishness over making any kind of plans.

I am feeling selfish about needing 'me' time. Yet when I don't take it, I start to fall apart in small but quiet ways.

Perhaps my forgetfulness is due to brain overload. But my brain is not as busy these days. Why am I still so absent minded?

My inability to hold a job outside of my home is starting to rise to the surface again. I can remember (see how much I do remember!?!!) how I felt when I could not learn what I needed to know fast enough when I was out in the big, scary world where 'nobody knew my name'. I felt the difference between my younger self and who-I-am-now.

The connections within my brain are not firing the same. I feel it. I know it. It is scary.

So when I continually hear the words "Don't you remember?", it is like another stab in the centre of my universe. I'm trying to remember! I am!!

I remember a lot. I don't remember everything.

I did fix our broken down printer connection this morning. I can troubleshoot most things that go wrong with our computer. I can still 'balance to zero' in anything number related. I can string together a whole pile of words and make them say what I want to say.

Perhaps my words are saying more than I intend for them to say as this small, quiet but continual inner anxiety surfaces to the top more and more. All I can feel is the sting of the words I sent out into the world when I knew I needed to encase myself within my 'Fortress of Solitude'. That post is akin to the letter I mailed when I should have shred it into a million pieces.

Is my brain broken? Injured? Or is it just tired? Perhaps there was a reason I was gifted a 'weekend at a spa' by my kind-hearted family.

Now I have to take my broken brain and navigate my way through the day ahead of me.

My Second Son dropped off some invoicing for me to do last night. He kept telling me not to burn the midnight oil to get it done. I took him at his word. It is still sitting here beside me. I have not lifted a finger because I can 'fit it into the cracks of my day'.

Perhaps I'm a little bitter. Because the last words he spoke to me as he walked out the door were "I already told you that..."

Ouch.

Maybe I'll find an Alzheimer test online somewhere. I'll see if I'm in the early stages of losing my memories. See? I knew there was a reason I wrote so much. One of these days, I just may need to know who I used to be.

I'm kidding. Sort of...