The Wedding

My last born child has been the first of my children to marry. She was married in a bare bones, very simple legal ceremony in our home. It may have been the best wedding I have attended.

A promise, signed and sealed by a representative of our provincial government was made just a little more special due to the closeness of those in attendance. The couple themselves, the marriage commissioner, three in-person guests and three more via a Zoom connection. 

A kiss for luck and they are on their way.

The lyrics to "We've Only Just Begun" run through my mind. It was my wedding song. Simply put, we've only just begun sums it all up.

New horizons, so many roads to choose, talkin' it over just the two of us, so much of life ahead and yes we've just begun.

A new life together has officially begun. Unofficially, their beginning was two years ago. They are as certain as two optimistic, bright eyed and married souls can be. 

They've only just begun.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Does anyone remember the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books? Books where the story would take you to a fork in the road and you got to choose one of a few options, then turn to the page where that particular choice took you to the next story line. You would get to another place in the plot and choose again. I can't remember how many times you got to choose your own adventure but the fun was to go back and choose other options to see how the story would end when you chose a different path.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had just reached the end of my very own "choose your own adventure" book. I have been thinking and rehashing my marriage, the choices I made, the path I followed, the outcomes due to those choices, reflecting on where I am and grateful to be at the end of this path unscathed and with healthy family relationships in place.

I rewound the book of my life and think of how things may have gone if I had made the choice to stay within the confines of my marriage.

No matter which way I unfold the plot, I cannot find a happy ending. I see heart ache and pain. I feel severed relationships. I cannot fathom a better outcome than our present day existence. I have tried. But I can't see any better path than the one which I followed ... a path made clear when Dad died while I was on maternity leave from work and literally packing up and moving away from the scene of my past was a viable option which unfolded with ease.

I woke up this morning wondering if I had lived this life before and each time I learned what I needed to know, to take me to the exact spot I'm at right now. A place where I know I am exactly where I am meant to be. Harmonious relationships, a safe home, a solid foundation and nestled into a quietly comfortable life I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China (bad example - I don't like tea ... but you get my point).

I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world. I am so sorry for relationships which were lost along the way. But I truly feel it had to happen this way to get to where we are today.

Today I'm standing on the other side of where I was before this particular adventure provided the fork in the road that led us to today. I am hopeful some relationships which were damaged along the way may be mended.

One fork in the road at a time, opting for a choice that may take you exactly where you are meant to be ... choose your own adventure and enjoy the ride.

We Had to Get Away

I have spent the past week immersed in Jeannette Walls' books (The Glass Castle and Half Broke Horses). I soaked up every word and watched numerous interviews with her on YouTube, yet I couldn't succinctly describe what it felt like to be wrapped up in her books until I came upon this quote:

“Mom, you have to leave Dad,” I said. 

She stopped doing her toe touches. “I can’t believe you would say that,” she said. “I can’t believe that you, of all people, would turn on your father.” 

I was Dad’s last defender, she continued, the only one who pretended to believe all his excuses and tales, and to have faith in his plans for the future. “He loves you so much,” Mom said. “How can you do this to him?” 

“I don’t blame Dad,” I said. And I didn’t. But Dad seemed hell-bent on destroying himself, and I was afraid he was going to pull us all down with him. “We’ve got to get away.” 
― Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle

I thoroughly enjoyed Jeannette's writing style and couldn't put my finger on the "why" of it until one interviewer marvelled at the fact that she retold her story without anger or resentment towards her father who was an alcoholic which led to a nomadic and unstable upbringing.

I walked away from a partner who encapsulated some of the personality traits of Rex Walls (Jeannette's father). As I drove my young family away from the cycle of the life that kept drawing me back time and time again, there was a knowing deep inside of me that we had to get away. Plain and simple. I was afraid he was going to pull us all down with him.

In one of her interviews, Jeannette Walls says everyone should write their own memoir. Not everyone should publish their memoir but everyone should write the story of their life. I began to wonder what I may come up with, if I was to unearth my memories.

My childhood was idyllic and in no way prepared me for my marriage. I question why I made some of the choices I did at the time but I do remember well the low self image I had of myself. That is quite likely at the crux of things.

I fell for a boy (I was 16; he was 18 when we met and we married one year later) who loved me out loud. I led a very safe life. He lived on the edge. I followed rules to the letter. He defied them. I grew up in a home where affection was not displayed openly. He held my hand. He hugged me. I felt unloveable. He loved me.

And the rest is history.

Our marriage was a roller coaster ride of the best of times and the worst of times. Our fights were loud and destructive. We brought out the best and the worst in each other. I can't think of a time in my life where I look back and criticize my actions as harshly as I do during our marriage. Yet ... the good times made up for everything.

Our marriage was so far from my normal that I didn't even want to be around my family. I couldn't be a part of something that felt so foreign to me. Yet when we separated for the last time I ran straight into the heart of everything that has grounded me. I moved back "home", nestled in among family I didn't know yet. It was the beginning of a time of good decision making for me.

I had to leave him. It was the only right answer. For me. For my children. For our future.

I look back on my previous life and while I remember our reality quite well, I choose to focus on the heart of a man who wanted to be so much more.

I believe I saw the best he had to give. His heart started out in the right place but too often, his intentions got lost somewhere in between his heart and his actions. But there were times when his actions reflected his intentions. It was the best of times ...

“I don’t blame him. But he seemed hell-bent on destroying himself, and I was afraid he was going to pull us all down with him. We had to get away.” 

The Easy Life

I have it easy. I truly do!

We recently endured another Valentine's Day where there was much written to appease the lonely and broken hearts out there and 'Single Parents' were singled out and honored in a few articles that I read. I have never considered myself to be one that deserved any special honor. For me (I am not saying that this is true for anyone but myself), single parenthood was the easy road.

My marriage was hard. Really hard. I have raked myself over the coals enough times over the years (and reconciled enough times to know that it really wasn't all my fault) to forgive myself for my part within that particular partnership. It wasn't healthy. Not for me. Not for my children. And I don't even think it was healthy for my ex-husband.

When I forged out on my own, I had only my children to worry about. I had only my own (and those of my children) expenses and needs to pay for. My attention did not have to be divided between my children and maintaining an unhealthy marriage. I felt like I lost a dependent when I left my marriage. It was ever-so-much-easier for me to take care of my children when there was so much more of myself to give.

I didn't do this all on my own. I had family members that stepped in and shouldered some of my responsibilities over the years. Much more, when I was a young parent. Less and less over the course of time. When you space your children 20 years apart, you truly are a different person by the time the youngest is born.

Sure, I had only one pay cheque. But I had only one adult to provide for. Adults can be very expensive (I should know ... I am one of them). But when you are single, the expense is not doubled every time you look around. Everything is just a little more affordable when you multiply it by one (then tack on a small surcharge for each child).

I can make an 'executive decision' on a whim and make spur of the moment plans without consulting a partner. I am in the driver's seat of my  life and can choose what to do, where to go and how much to spend. Or not. Sometimes it is easier to just stay home and savor the quietness if you don't have someone who is not content with that same choice.

My vantage point is very, very skewed because I didn't have children that demanded more than I had to give. Wanted? Perhaps. But demanded? No. My kids seemed to understand from a very early age, that there were limits on spending. For the most part, it seemed like they simply accepted that was their lot in life and we carried on.

Maybe I didn't have a husband to share the load, share the good, the bad and the ugly. But I never felt alone. My 'village' was around me even when I couldn't see them. I had support in the wings all the way along this voyage. As I said earlier, I speak for no one but myself. Because I know that I was/am one of the fortunate ones.

Can it be lonely? There have been times. But the longer one lives the life of singlehood, the less you can imagine truly opening the door and letting someone new walk in. There is great comfort in living a familiar life.

I attended my 35 year class reunion last fall and within almost every single person I met, there was a void that you could feel within them as they talked of marital break-ups; singleness; single parenting and the quest to find 'someone'. I didn't really see the difference between 'them' and 'me' until my friend pointed it out. She told me that I was one of the few (if any?) single people that she knew, that was completely content with life-as-they-knew-it.

Sometimes it takes someone looking at your situation from the outside, to see what you have all along. I am so very fortunate to live the life that I live. I don't bask in material wealth, I don't long for (much of) what I don't have (I do long for a well-maintained-home though). I revel in what I do have. There is peace and contentment within my heart and my home. My family unit is cohesive. Our health is good. I am earning a living doing what I want to do. From where I sit, it just doesn't get any better than this.

Would sharing my life with someone special enhance or detract from what I already have? Who knows? Maybe I'll find out one day. Maybe I won't. But I am good with either direction. All we really have is 'now' so it is good to soak up that-which-you-have because you simply don't know where the road is going to turn from here.

Anniversaries

There were a few 'milestone anniversaries' celebrated in our family this past weekend. As a group of us were together, trying to figure out which anniversary was being celebrated in one of the cases we decided to round up to the nearest 'five' because it isn't often that one celebrates a ''34th'' anniversary. I declared if I could make it 2 years in a marriage, I would celebrate.

Marriage is a work in progress. As each of these couples celebrated the milestone that they made, I couldn't help thinking of the occasions that were worthy of celebrating as they made it through each one of those years.

Simply adjusting to marriage, living with someone and learning to accept all of those little nuances that you don't really know about a person until you live with them 24/7 is the first breakthrough. I've lived on my own for so many years now, that it is almost incomprehesible to think of the idea of someone 'fitting into my life' and vice versa. One of the advantages of marrying young may be that you are still quite willing and able to change and adapt as necessary. But no matter how and when you marry ... it is an adjustment. 'Til death do you part is a long time.

There are matters of running the house, social lives (independent and together), finances, in laws, family and expectations of what one expects of the other in marriage. Many, many puzzle pieces to fit together and find out what works out best for both parties. And the puzzle just continues to grow with the years.

Add children into the family and there is a completely new dynamic. A dependent, changing roles and expectations redefines a couple and once again there is a need to add this to the ever changing puzzle and challenge of marriage.

Life throws curve balls at you all of the time. One never knows what is around the next corner and how each individual will react to it. I don't think that there is a marriage that exists that hasn't had to overcome obstacles that could make or break the relationship. How one gets through the tough times is critical to what direction their marriage takes from there.

I have little hands on experience with marriage. The relationships that I've had, have taught me a lot about myself and what I need to work on. I look at the marriages all around me that have weathered the storms of life and remain solid and I see so many qualities within those married couples that I admire.

As the children of one of these couples put together a program that celebrated the marriage of their parents and the home that this couple created for their young children, my heart swelled with joy. I could only watch the faces of the couple who were being celebrated as their lives unfolded in front of them in the form of stories, poems, songs and a picture slideshow that helped the audience feel the joy and moments of celebration each step along the way.

Yes - this was a landmark celebration worthy of taking note of and shouting from the rooftops. But each small step along the way that led them to this day was equally worthy of rejoicing in.

I look at this marriage, their children and the home that each one of these children is building with their young families and I honor each moment and circumstance that has created the foundation that they are building on to this day ...