Second Chances

It was a Happy Birthday after all.

Yes ... it was My Youngest's birthday yesterday and it gave us a second chance to make his 11th birthday (if not one of the best), a better memory.

It's all in the small stuff. Really.

As I crawled out of bed and faced the day yesterday, it was My Youngest's birthday request that I take the night off of 'everything', that got me going. If I had to have an uncommitted evening, I had to get cracking.

I was so busy getting to the day, that My Youngest was up about an hour before I wished him a Happy Birthday. But when I finally did, we had a little chuckle about it when he said "Finally ... you remembered!" I immediately responded, "But you weren't even born yet."

He got a birthday card and gift from one of the parents I babysit for before he went to school ... and his birthday was starting off rather nicely.

I ordered a small cake for his birthday which he didn't know about and it hit me yesterday morning that I should take it to school and surprise him with it (I couldn't take it, because I had 7 kids underfoot all morning but one of my parents dropped it off for me after she left here). It's unfortunate that 20 people shared this small cake ... but it's the thought that counts, right?

And it counted. My Youngest couldn't believe it when the cake arrived for him. I never, ever do things like that. So it wasn't a surprise party ... but it was a surprise. Mission accomplished - I believe I made my boy happy on his birthday.

The evening was perfect. We did nothing extraordinary - we went to Toys 'R Us as per his birthday request (and found an overpriced set of Lego which we ended up returning an hour later, when we found it over $10.00 cheaper in Walmart), we ate at the mall and we quite simply just spent a leisurely evening not running my errands as I let My Youngest call the shots. That ... was the best gift of all (I believe I received as much or more than I gave, when I simply gave him my time).

My gift to him this year were 9 'Gift Coupons'. Basically gifts of time - a bike ride and an ice cream; pizza and a movie; one hour of my uninterrupted time; take a friend to the lake for a day; an activity of his choice; a bike ride and a slurpee; another ''Take the Night Off" (and spend it with him); a "Let's Go Shopping" (with a dollar limit but no restriction as to what he can spend it on); and lastly a 'Birthday Movie' which I will put together with the memories that we have of this 11th Birthday Gone Awry (but salvaged, when given a second chance).

Best Laid Plans

It's been a one step forward, two steps back kind of week ...

I was mentally prepared for a busy week. Then 2 of my dance lessons were cancelled so I relaxed ... for a moment.

Little did I know that extra time would be filled with new-things-to-do. Vital things-to-do. Things that had to get done in the time frame I would have been dancing. So the time freed up from my cancelled lessons worked out to my benefit.

All week, I've planned to exercise in the free moments of my day. It hasn't happened. My energy level has plummeted and watching My Youngest on the Dance Dance Revolution wore me out.

Finally! Last night ... after running across the city to buy My Youngest's favorite cinnamon bagels (no raisins) on the only night that they are open long enough for me go buy them ... making a pit stop at the ATM to do some banking ... buying groceries and putting them away ... I was ready to exercise. This was the night I was going to burn off the bag of potato chips (and much, much more) that I scarfed down in the 24 hours that preceded me.

Son #1 was going to drop by and pick up some parcels that he had delivered here. Oh well. I'd exercise after he left ... "I still had time ..."

Then ... the computer died. Just up and quit. The last time it did this, it was the power supply. I unplugged the computer, waited a few minutes and it did turn back on. As luck would have it, I had my resident computer expert coming over within minutes to pick up his parcels and (even more fortunate) I had a spare power supply in the house.

Long story short ... the computer died again while he was here but he had to be back home right away so he packed up the computer and power supply and called me when it was fixed.

I was so frustrated at the thought of my exercise plan going out the window ... again. But I would have been a thousand times more frustrated if my computer savvy son hadn't been able to fix my broken computer (almost on the spot).

I had book keeping work that I needed to get done. Waiting a few days for a computer service call would have been more than a little inconvenient. It would have meant I couldn't work.

As it turns out, my week-gone-awry has turned out with far more benefits than I would have had, had everything gone as planned.

Best laid plans gone awry can sometimes work out to be even better than what you expect. When everything feels like it is going wrong, it can sometimes end up being very, very right.

Too Tired to Dance

What's with that?! I'm never too tired to dance! But last night by the end of the 2-group-dance-class-marathon that I endured, I was weary.

My brain couldn't absorb any more knowledge, my feet were sore, my balance was off and I was ready to go home.

45 minutes is about the perfect amount of time to spend absorbing new information and putting it to use in the dance world.

The first 45 minute lesson was wonderful. My dance instructor (who normally leads this class) has been off with an injury the past few weeks so the owner of the studio took his place. There was a 4 female to 1 male ratio last night, so I had to be in the 'lead' position a lot of the time. This is usually enough to send my stress levels through the roof ... but not last night.

My body and brain were up to the challenge. It doesn't mean that I succeeded, but I did try.

There is a lot of 'brain work' that goes into leading, when dancing. The lead has to plan about a half of a beat ahead of where they are at. I assume that there must be an autopilot that their brain starts to go on after a while, but it certainly makes me appreciate the challenge that a new 'lead dancer' faces every time that I must dance a mile in their shoes.

Being taught by a different instructor was also an unexpectedly pleasant change. I'm comfortable with my instructor, I enjoy his rapport and humor and I learn a little along the way. I've been taught by this other instructor at different stages of my dancing and he challenges a different part of my brain. Not always the part of my brain I want to challenge when I'm geared up for fun on the dance floor. But variety is the spice of life.

By the time the second 45 minute lesson came, I was teetering on overload. But it was a new instructor, a new dance and a different part of the brain and body challenge. So it worked out okay. Until the last 15 minutes. I was pretty much spent. No brain or body power left.

I came home, watched Kurt play 'Dance Dance Dynamics' on the Wii. I took a few turns in between stuffing myself with a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips (nothing healthy about them - I pretty much ate a whole days worth of calories in the half hour I watched Kurt work out on the Wii).

I went to bed early, slept like a log and tried to act ambitious this morning. I turned on the 'Wii Fit' and spent 50 minutes going through the paces. My body just wasn't working like it is capable of working. I'm tuckering out.

The thing about energy levels is, the more you do ... the more you can do. Slow down for a while ... and watch out. It's hard to rev up the energy and ambition again.

Dancing is a little bit like that. You have to slow it down to an almost unbearable pace to absorb all the technicalities of what you need to learn to make the most of your dance lesson dollar. But ... the more you move, laugh and have fun ... the more energy you have to put onto the floor.

I'm in the 'lead' position in my life. I'm always half of a beat ahead from where I need to be and my brain is continually anticipating the next move as I direct the kids, family and work flow through my days.

As long as I keep moving, my energy remains high. If I stop too long to think, I'm too tired to 'dance' through my days.

So I'm pretty content to just 'play' and follow the leader on the dance floor. When I have to work too hard, I am simply ... too tired to dance.

Time Debt Load

I can't get caught up! I'm a two-steps-ahead-kind-of-girl ... and if I'm not 2 steps ahead, it feels like I'm running behind.

If I could turn off the world for 24 hours and not add distraction, new ideas and more work to what I already have ... I believe that I could catch up with what I have at hand.

The problem is, that even if I did shut the blinds, turn off the phone, lock the door and shut down my Internet connection ... I would probably come up with new and improved things-to-do.

It seems that every time that I idle, I come up with more new ways of keeping busy. The biggest reason that I can't catch up is because I keep adding to my to-do-list.

I hope today is the kind of day where I can chip away at the pile (that is growing instead of shrinking) of things that I need to be doing. There seems to be interest accumulating on this debt load of time.

A Brand New Week

I had an excessive amount of words in me yesterday so I blogged them all out of my system. I'm happy to report that I've let it all go and I'm ready to carry on. No need to vent this morning. It feels good.

It's good to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. That is what this week is. A second chance, starting fresh, rebuilding from what where I'm at and hopefully the week will wind up the way I anticipate. I'm sure that it will.

I took a break from my exercise/healthy eating for the weekend. I enjoyed the break but I'm not ready to jump back on that bandwagon.

What felt best was my feet. I have been doing running/jumping types of exercise on a cement floor (that is covered in laminate and 2 thin layers of carpeting) in my bare feet. The balls of my feet were a mess. I ran out and bought some indoor 'cross trainers' so I have some shock absorbers as I bounce around downstairs. Between those, some wonderful foot ointment by Dr. Scholl, my massaging/bubbling foot spa and resting my feet for a day ... I can now walk on uncarpeted surfaces without cringing. I think my feet needed a break.

It's nice to feel good about jumping right back on the exercise and mindful eating again today. I love the food choices that I have available to me. It's amazing how one does actually begin to crave healthy food when you are regularly exposed to it. Funny how that works. I like it.

A person does get used to a certain 'status quo' in their lives. Whether it is a body or mind thing.

My 'mind thing' was tested over the weekend and I know that I have worked too hard to get my 'mind' healthy and strong to let anything interfere with that. I regained a sense of peace, harmony and safety when I removed myself from an unhealthy marriage 21 1/2 years ago ... whenever that serenity was threatened, I fought hard to regain it. This new status quo is all to do with personal limitations and what negativity I will allow into my world. I have a low tolerance for it. Not on a regular basis.

I have purged myself of the thoughts that were weighing me down, I haven't started making my to-do-lists for the week ahead, my mind and body are rested and my feet are ready to go.

This is a good way to feel on a Monday. Bring it on ...

Looking Beyond the Pain

In my 'previous life', I seemed to find friendships based on mutual suffering. Few of those 21+ year old friendships survived the transition into my 'new life' but one special friendship comes to mind that survived the good, the bad and the ugly ...

It's not a friendship based only happy times or times of suffering. It is a friendship based on who we are. We've seen each other through the the best of times and the worst of times. We speak the same language. We don't hold onto the pain ... but we talk about it, confront it, take what we can learn from it and carry on. We reflect on past experiences and we can see the positive things that we salvaged from a negative experience. We realize and accept the fact that we wouldn't be where and who we are today, if we hadn't travelled the road we were on. We've each had our moments of anger and bitterness. We lived through the emotion, embraced it as long as we had to ... but in the end, we searched for the lesson we needed to learn. We retained the lesson but learned to let go of the pain.

As I think of all of the positive friendships/relationships that I have made in my 'new life', they all embrace this same concept.

I have empathy for people who are experiencing and have experienced a rough patch in life. Every one has them. Some are more vocal about it than others, but no one goes through life unchallenged in some way.

I listen, I empathize, I try to look for one morsel of good within a bad situation. I think it is good to try to get a glimpse beyond the worst moment that a person is enduring. Sometimes a person is in a position to hear it, sometimes they aren't.

In a lot of cases, there is one small step that a person can take. A baby step perhaps, but one step in a forward direction can help a person regain the feeling of taking control in an out of control situation. Once you take the first step, the second is usually easier ...

What I find most frustrating of all, is a person perpetually focusing on the negative or placing the blame on people/circumstances beyond their control. They are wasting their energy on excuses and not looking for a solution.

The solution may be a thousand steps away and taking only one small step feels inconsequential. So they take no action. They are paralyzed with fear, feeling overwhelmed and inadequate ... and taking a step in a different direction, takes them one step away from where they are at. Sometimes they are simply not ready. They stew and continue to stay stuck instead of taking one step in a new direction.

The best way to ensure repeating mistakes of the past, is to continue reacting to them in the same way. Or ... do nothing.

Look to where you want to be in life. Step out of the pain and move ahead.

Recovery

Every single time I bailed out of a relationship, I felt it was to save myself. I felt void of everything that I thought I liked about myself. Each rebuilding process after the demise of a relationship felt like I was starting from scratch. Each break up taught me something that I needed to learn.

The last process of recovery has been my best one yet. I have developed an inner belief that any one or anything that detracts from this inner serenity and happiness, is some one or something that I don't want/need regular exposure to.

It is still a learning experience to expose myself to all personality types and appreciate what I can from their vantage point. But ... not at the expense of either party eroding the essence of the other person.

I will not allow some one to take away what I have built inside of myself. I have an internal barometer that measures the 'happy factor' within me, after an encounter with some one.

They can have their views and ways of dealing (or not dealing) with their life experiences. But I will not and can not embrace and encourage a friendship with some one who drains me of 'all that is good'.

If a personal encounter doesn't leave me feeling uplifted, reflective and encouraged ... I don't pursue it.

And that's all I have to say about that.