Reaching Out

I took advantage of a quiet morning yesterday, to send off an email to a close group of friends that I used to work with.

I wrote, rewrote, edited, added and deleted to those words many times before I finally hit the 'Send' button on that email. But the moment that I did ... I felt at one with the world.

Each of those friends is unique. I interact with each of them differently. The frequency and 'who contacts whom' varies from person to person; circumstance to circumstance. Each of these friends has a varying amount of commitments and time-to-call-their-own, so it seems that we have fallen into a pattern of 'how we keep in touch' based on how our lives work.

There are a few that moved out of our community many years ago. Contact with them is sporadic and most incredibly special when it does take place. They have moved on and out of our lives here ... but will always remain close in our thoughts. There are friends that, no matter where life takes them or how many years it has been between visits, that are friends of the heart. The moment you sit down and start talking, it is as if no time has passed. We have that kind of friendship.

We are all in different stages of our lives. I think that it is safe to say that each of us are very committed to our families ... the biggest difference is the demands that happen to be placed on each of us at a given time.

There is a quiet understanding that each of us has a different amount to give and take, at different points in our friendship. We have known each other over the course of the past 21 years and a lot has changed throughout that time.

There are times when one person 'takes the lead' and other times when someone else steps up. There is the feeling that someone has your back. You can draw on the energy of the group, when your own energy is low. There is a yin and a yang that is unconscious. It is simply 'there'. And it works.

We get together in small groups when we can, one-on-one at others. Our visits have ranged from regular contact ... to an 'almost loss of contact' ... to a rebuilding stage ... which has refortified what is good and special about this friendship.

This group of friends has seen me through the good, the bad and the ugly. They have cheered me on, lifted me up, believed in me and created a safe haven for 'me to be me'. I have become more courageous in living my life, because of what I have received from this circle of friendship.

Yesterday ... I reached out. I hoped that I made a small difference in one person's day. In doing so, it made my own day just a little bit more special.

Thoughts lead on to purposes;

purposes go forth in action;

actions form habits;

habits decide character;

and character fixes our destiny.

~Tryon Edwards

Freefalling Thoughts

I cannot seem to make my thoughts stop in one place long enough to focus on any isolated topic this morning, so I shall let my fingers free fall over the keyboard and see what they have to say ...

~ Health. It feels good to feel good this morning! I realized that I was not exaggerating how yucky my stomach felt, until it started feeling normal again. The weirdest thing of all? I am not craving junk food. I want real food. Turns out my stomach is smarter than my brain. ~

~ Money. The uncertainty of income this month has me focusing a lot of energy on the my state of finances. This is a temporary phase. I must adhere to my limitations. Each and every time I reign in my spending according to the current budget restraints, I am rewarded in some fashion. It may be a small thing. One time, I was short 30 some dollars to cover some bills. I received a completely unexpected cheque in the mail for around 30 dollars. It it is as if the universe is encouraging me. This too, shall pass .... ~

~ Work. It is tough jump starting into work-mode, mid way through the day. I have appreciated the mornings off, but I haven't worked up the momentum to put in an effective afternoon at work. The good news? I am working at schools that I have worked at before, so I am not completely lost. It could be worse. I could be putting in those partial days, where I haven't a clue what I am doing or where things are at. This temporary state will help me appreciate new opportunities at 'places unknown'. ~

~ Email. Where would I be without it? I have the feeling that friends and family are at my fingertips. I can send off a message any time of the day or night, knowing that I am not interrupting any one's life. That freedom has given me the greatest gift of all. The gift of keeping in touch and feeling connected. Long distance phone plans offer the same gift. The world is at my fingertips ... and it doesn't cost one (extra) penny to simply feel connected to friends and family. What a great consolation that is, during this budget-conscious month! ~

~ TV ... or lack thereof. It turns out that I can't completely tune out my television addiction. When I wasn't feeling well, the TV lulled me into a serene state of sleepfulness. Last night, I was elated when I realized it was Thursday night and 'my shows' were on! Could I stay awake for two consecutive hours in front of the TV? No. But I had fun trying. I watched '3rd Rock From the Sun' before I got out of bed this morning (it wasn't necessary to get up at 5:30, so I allowed myself the luxury of staying in bed a little longer and watched TV). Harry was addicted to TV on this particular episode. Dick turned off the television and told him (something to the effect of) "TV is not the reason we came to earth!" Harry replied with a pout, "But it is the reason we stayed!" ~

 ~ Making the most of a day. My Middle Son is working at a job that is 'paying the bills'. He isn't terribly enamored over his days but accepts that this is where he must be for now. He has told the company that he works for, that he would be happy to take the out-of-town runs. To be paid for a drive outside of the city is not a bad gig. It doesn't happen all of the time, but he makes the most of it when it does. Today? He has a job just outside of Mom's City. He will be done work in time to take her out for supper and stay overnight at her B & C (Bed & Coffee). That is a treat in and of itself. But to add to the pleasure, my Son's Girlfriend works in a job where she has managed to have these days off as well, so she can join him for this little road trip. A regular, ordinary work-day turned special! ~

Now I must go make the most of this day, myself. May you also find a way to turn the mundane into something special today.

Happy Friday!!

You Don't Always Get What You Want

... but you get what you need.

I couldn't help but feel apprehensive and uneasy about this New Year, as I turned the calendar page and thought of the uncertainty this month holds for me.

I am booked to work only half days, for the first few weeks of the year. That is all that I know for sure. This could all change with one phone call. But for the moment, all that I am certain of, is what is on my schedule.

Does working half-days put me out of the running for any available full-days? What will my pay cheque be?? How will I manage it financially?

When my stomach started doing flips yesterday morning, I thought it was just a case of nerves. I couldn't have worked yesterday morning if I had been scheduled. My stomach ruled and I couldn't have left the house if I had to. I needed to be home.

I was able to work my 3.5 hour shift, but the last hour was a little bit tense. I had to get home. This I knew.

I basically slept from 4:30 yesterday afternoon until 7:00 this morning. My stomach is much better, but I am grateful that I didn't get called into work this morning.

You don't always get what you want in life (full-time work) ... but you get what you need (sick days, without having to call in).

Keep Your Eye on Where You Want to Go

We have a fairly long driveway. The last part of it is double-wide, so a lot of the time there is another vehicle parked there. It never fails. If I focus on vehicle that I want to avoid hitting, I end up going where I don't want to go. If I look at the fire hydrant directly across the street from where I want to go, I back up as straight as an arrow.

If I look where I want to go, that is where I end up.

I try to live my life in the same fashion. To focus my attention on where I want to be and do my best to avoid giving my attention and energy to all of the reasons that I cannot reach my destination.

The minute I start letting my thoughts stray off course, that is where I end up going.

I became overwhelmed and incapable of choreographing an exercise class. I talked about how inept I felt. I lost my confidence. I became paralyzed with anxiety. I didn't even try. I gave up. I took my eye off the ball. I stopped the momentum. I gave all of my energy to explaining why I couldn't do it. And I didn't.

Around the same time, I let myself become overwhelmed with the task of putting Dad's family's stories together in the form of a book. I have set the bar a little higher than my original attempt and I have a great fear of failing to meet my own expectations. So I stopped. I have all of the tools that I need, to forge onwards and get these words put to paper. But once again ... the lack of forward momentum, without a firm vision and belief in the end goal ... I have let everything else in my life take priority. And the 'book' remains unfinished. I took my eye off of where I was headed.

I quit my job and found a new one. I knew exactly where I wanted to work and I placed a great deal of energy towards believing that I could get that job. And I did. I sold myself on that interview because I had my eye on the prize.

I have a strong network of friends and family. Recently I have questioned how this has come to be. I believe that having a solid base foundation within my own family as I grew up, has played a big part in this. I know what I want ... so subconsciously, that is what I have drawn into my life.

My own little family has had its share of drama and at one time, it seemed that the damage was irreparable. I kept looking at my own family. My sister's families. The closeness that I knew I wanted. It didn't happen over night. But bit by bit, slowly but surely ... my own little family is becoming closer than I could have ever imagined. I never stopped believing. And now my dreams are coming true.

I have so many minor miracles that amaze and astound me. Writing a book ... working from home ...going to a dance competition ... going on an Alaskan cruise ... (to name a few).

I have enveloped the spirit of 'If I believe it ... it will happen' in my life. And it does! I am living proof that anything is possible.

Yes, life does throw you curve balls that you simply can't avoid. When that happens, it is like steering into a skid. Continue to keep your eye on where you want to go. Don't stare into the ditch and hope for a safe landing. Look into the horizon and believe.

Keep focused on where you are going.

Out With the Old!

We moved the TV out of the living room yesterday. I feel better already.

The television set moved into the living room eight months ago. I can't pinpoint the exact turning point, but I do know that turning on the TV (and immediately falling asleep in front of it) after supper became my new norm around the time of my job change.

Turning on the TV and turning off my brain became a habit. I noticed that it was interfering with what (I used to call) my life, but it was harmless. Or so I thought.

The past week made me rethink my position on that presumption.

I was drawn to the TV, like an addict. Yes, I bounced back and forth between the computer and TV. But what was forever minimized on the computer screen? The TV listings. I would plan my day around what was on TV. Great strategy was involved so that I could maximize my television viewing hours.

I stopped cooking. I stopped talking. I stopped writing. I (almost) even stopped snacking because that would require a trip to the store to replenish our grocery supplies. Then I would have to make myself presentable enough to be seen in public. I stopped living.

I cannot recall a time where I did so little, with so much time. It had to come to an end.

So I asked for assistance in moving the TV downstairs yesterday. My Middle Son was eager to assist (the TV was right above his bedroom downstairs and the base in the volume was interfering with his sleep). My Youngest Son was thrilled to (finally) get this television set moved into the TV room downstairs.

And that is how quickly our lives changed.

I prepared supper. I started organizing My Son's income tax paperwork. I felt the energy returning. My restrained words from the past week started flowing and there was no stopping them.

Am I feeling the ache to turn on the TV and turn off my brain once again this morning? Unfortunately, yes. Fortunately, I have eleven months of paperwork to sort through for My Son. I return to work tomorrow, so I cannot drag my heels. I must be productive today.

I wish that I would have done this five days ago. I am not certain what was gained by losing those days. On some level, I must have needed the down time. But enough is enough!

There is work to be done around here. And it isn't going to happen with a television set ruling my life. Out with the old ... in with the new!! The TV is gone. And I am back ...

A Year Ago

This time, last year ... I had an agenda. I had a plan. I knew where I was headed and all that was required on my part was a little perseverance and dedication.

I had it all mapped out. Courses, exams, deadlines and goals. I had a dream-vacation booked. Two reunions to anticipate.

January 1, 2011 ... I looked at the calendar before me and I (thought that I) knew where I was going.

This year ... I have no agenda. I have no idea where this year will take me and I feel paralyzed.

Is it fear? Is it lack of dedication? Why am I feeling so lost?

2010 energized me. I faced a bright and shiny new year with the belief that anything was possible.

2011 exhausted me. I started the year feeling invincible. I set out some goals and life side-tracked me. I didn't achieve the satisfaction of achieving what I set out to do. Instead ... I changed jobs.

2012 is a fresh, new slate. I laid out the ground work last year and did the hardest part. Now ... all I must do is persevere. One forward step at a time and I will continue to move in the direction that I have in mind.

One day at a time.

My goal this year? To do one productive thing per day. One thing that makes me feel that I have made a small difference in my world. Whether it is cleaning the oven ... or writing a page in an unfinished book ... or meeting up with a friend. One thing that makes a difference.

One day at a time, I will make the most of the days, months and year ahead of me.

A year ago, I thought I knew what the year had in store. I was partially right ... but I didn't allow any room for error in my plans. I got side-tracked. I stopped in my tracks. Now it is time to make some tracks and move forward from here.

Need Input

I have sequestered myself into a cone of silence and solitude the past five days. And it's not really working for me.

When you don't talk to anyone or invite people/experiences into your days there is very little to think about. Let alone write about.

I woke up this morning and went through my morning stalking ritual on Facebook and found this:

Why COMPLICATE Life?

~ by ToxicAntidote

Missing somebody? ….. Call!

Wanna meet up?..... Invite!

Wanna be understood? ….. Explain!

Have questions? …… Ask!

Don’t like something? ….. Say it!

Like something? …… State it!

Want something? ….. Ask for it!

Love someone? ….. Tell them!

I searched the Internet to find the author of these words and found this:

"... I stopped going to work, stopped reading the news,
I sit and twiddle my thumbs cos I got nothing to do,
Minimal exercise,
To help uncomplicate my life ..."

And this ... has been the story of my holiday. All I can say is: bring on the complications!
 

I need some input, to inspire some output.