It is Time ...

Live for yourself and you will live in vain;

Live for others, and you will live again.

~Bob Marley~

I keep circling around this place called 'happy'. I reach out and touch it, live it and feel it ... then it wafts away again.

I am wandering in a place that I used to know well but I keep searching for the peace, contentment and happiness that I held onto for quite some time. I know it is attainable but I can't keep it in my hands.

The place that I am at is not bad. It is not an unhappy place. It is more like I am in a state of limbo. It feels like a precarious balancing act at times but I feel safe in knowing that I won't fall. It is just a tiring place to be for too long. And it has been too long.

I have indulged myself in my quest for quiet and solitude. It feels good to be alone and quiet with myself and my thoughts. But too much of a good thing is never great. Half a day was suffice. A second day was overload. So I slept.

I have reached out to those in my world. To be around people and give what I have of myself is a wonderful place to be. Then I come home. The contrast between reaching out & surrounding myself with people and then coming home 'alone' brings a sense of loneliness to my world that I am not accustomed to.

I am feeling a sense of security and calmness inching into my work world. I can sleep through the night again. I know these two factors are related. I am waking up without the fist in my chest again. I know that I am on my way.

I know what I am missing. I am missing the passion. In my younger years, it was during this time that I would find myself in a place of reconciliation and renewing an old relationship. Now? I know that another person and most definitely a relationship will not cure what ails me. I need to find passion within.

Writing. Dancing. Zumba. These are a list of my favorite things. These are the things that I must pursue.

I believe the key to my happiness begins with a quiet sense of peace within. It grows into being in a place where I have something of myself to give to others. It is maintained this by pursuing my passions.

It is time to reach for my dreams again. I need to feel passionate about something that makes my heart sing.

I think it is time to book a dance lesson. Then look into finding some Zumba classes! And the writing will follow ...

I Cleaned a Window ... and It Felt Good!

I didn't get called to work yesterday and I made the most out of the day ...

I started off by tackling a work-project that I had been working on the day prior. I had updated and proof read a 22 page booklet. I went to print it off so that we had a hard copy to proof and POOF! I was kicked out of the program and all the changes that I made to the document were lost. So I reedited the document (it doesn't take as long the second time around), printed it off and the day began.

I called a friend to see how she was doing. I asked if there was anything that she needed or wanted. She thought for a millisecond and said, "A strawberry milkshake!" I drilled her for details and she told me exactly what to get and where to get it. I picked up a shake for myself, made a home-delivery and we had a short visit.

I was out and about anyway so decided to call on others that live in her neighborhood. I ended up at my aunt and uncles for a 'quick' visit. I ended up staying for a cinnamon bun, a donut, two cups of tea and an hour and a half!

I was on a bit of a sugar high after my morning indulgences and I put that energy to work.

I came home and took down the blinds in the kitchen so that I could scour them. They were embarrassingly dirty and it took more than an hour to do the job but once it was done, cleaning the window was small potatoes. Simply cleaning the inside made the world of difference. Add an outside cleansing and it was like the whole world shone from the inside, looking out.

I had the ladder out anyway and cleaned the living room window while I was at it. Plus the screen doors. A smart person would have cleaned the bedroom windows at the same time but I was running out of time and I thought I'd save that elation for another day.

I have been putting off cleaning my windows for longer than I care to admit. A job that one continues to put off month after month; year after year becomes bigger than it really is.

It felt good to let the sun shine in and show me the rest of the dirt that needs to be dealt with around here. There weren't enough hours in the day, but I started.

I have been allowing a multitude of tasks around here overwhelm me. When the job becomes too big and overwhelms you, you lose the ambition to begin.

Small steps. It all starts by getting off the couch and making the decision to do one thing. One thing may lead to another. It may not. But accomplishing one thing is better than nothing.

I cleaned a window yesterday. One window led to another. One window at a time, the sun will start shining inside our home again ...

Senior Cat

Our cat (André) is over twelve years old. He is a spry young feline and he wears his age well. He has the body of a six year old (cat) and takes great pride in his appearance. He isn't vain. He just does the best he can with what he's got.

I counted the white hairs on his underbelly when he first joined our family. It was a single digit number and other than those stray white hairs he was pure black. His white hair count has gone up significantly over the course of these twelve years. He dons a bit of a distinguished 'salt and pepper' look but at a glance, he is still midnight black.

None of our cats that preceded André lived to their senior years. We have lost cats in a myriad of ways. From living on a farm and the wandering nature of male cats; to moving away from beloved cats and being unable to bring them along; to runaways; to traffic; to disease; to a variety of other reasons ... I have never adopted a cat that has lived this long.

Twelve years is a long time. André has worked his way into our hearts and is here to stay.

André was a teen when my teen age son adopted him. They bonded throughout their adolescent years. Those first years, my Second Son was André's main person.

André has always had a bit of an untamed spirit. He didn't like to be confined to our house and yard. He bolted at every chance he got. But once given that freedom, he always chose to come home. André was two years old (24 in human years) at the same time My Oldest was twenty four. Each of them needed some space from family at times. Each would choose to come home. Eventually. On their own terms.

André and I slowed down a little bit at the same stages in our lives. He was six (40 in human years) when I was 36. I was pregnant at the time when I noticed I couldn't speed walk with the same effectiveness as I used to. André was still in his prime, holding onto his teenage attitude and barely containing his wanderlust when he had 'exceeded' my age. He taught me that age is just a number.

Now André is twelve+ years old. Sixty four in human years. He has found a special place in his heart for each one of his people. But I think he has a favorite. He follows My Youngest around the house like a loyal pup. They share a body language that each has learned intuitively. They play games. They snuggle. My Youngest knows exactly how André wants to be petted and André instinctively grooms My Youngest in return. It is as if André knows that teens don't always translate what they feel into words and that the act of loving someone and physical contact transcends all. What they share is beyond special.

I gaze at our much adored Senior Cat and wonder how in the world we will ever live without him. He is showing no signs of wear and tear. He is active, healthy and vital in every way. He reminds me of my mom when she was at his age (of 64 years). We thought she was the cat's meow and that she would be forever young.

Years have a way of gently teaching you what you need to know. Small health set backs have gradually slowed Mom down. It hasn't happened overnight but it is happening. But she is still a force to be reckoned with. She is spunky and her mind never stops. She is fiercely independent and we admire that quality in her.

André has five years to go before he 'reaches' the human age of 84. The age Mom is at right now. I think he carries her young-at-heart spirit and though he will slow down ... he will retain the essence of himself that we have all grown to love.

We will appreciate every moment we have. One never knows how long life-as-we-know-it will last.

A Family Day

Some things are just meant to be ...

In a world where everyone is busy, committed, working and taking care of matters in their own lives it is a rare thing when four people from four different families can make a relatively spur of the moment day trip.

And so it was, with my siblings and I yesterday.

It started as a whimsical idea and two of us were on board. One more email and there were three. A phone call later and we were four for four.

We have joined forces before. In all things family, we rally together. In good times and in bad. Sometimes it is a planned and thought out family affair. Planning family celebrations and attending them are a fun excuse to gather the troops.

Last year brought many excuses to bring all of us together on a fairly regular basis. The flurry of family activity slowed down after our family reunion in July. Not that we haven't seen each other and remained in touch. But we haven't all gathered under one roof for quite some time. Which made yesterday rather special.

Our mission was to provide our sister an alternate means (she had been planning on taking the bus) of going out to Mom's for the week. So even though Mom didn't join us yesterday, she was the 'end goal' of our mission. She wins the prize ...

I had company on the road for all but the last hour and fifteen minutes. I usually enjoy my solitude. Yesterday? I longed for a sibling at my side for that final leg of my journey.

I know we are a family blessed. To be close to your family, share the same history, the same humor and the same language is a gift. Family that feel like friends ... that is what we share.

What Other People Think

Quote from "Stand by Me":

Gordie: Do you think I'm weird?
Chris: Definitely.
Gordie: No man, seriously. Am I weird?
Chris: Yeah, but so what? Everybody's weird.

We get so wrapped up in our own heads at times, we forget. Everybody we encounter has their own stuff going on within their minds. No one cares what others think of you as much as you do. Thus, it is important to think well of yourself.

That is all very noble and true. But in the case of being in a probationary or temporary status at a job, what others think matters. A lot.

The weight of caring what others are thinking of me is wearing me down. I feel like I'm walking on ice. I used to be better at it. That was at a time when a probationary period had a defined start and end date. That was at a time when I had stability in my work world and regular feedback. That was also at a time when I worked within the confines of a position that I had been for my entire work life.

Trying something new is a daring new adventure for me.

I am still new and inexperienced in many ways, in my job of (almost) nine months. I have stuck my neck out and I am trying to add 'column writer' to my list of life experiences. I am starting (yet another) new part time job. What others think really matters a lot right now. Too much.

I must be the best that I can be in every area of my life. No matter what. I wish a stable pay cheque wasn't my motivating factor.

Doing Nothing Never Felt So Good!

I worked a half-day today and I left work on time! I ran one errand after work. Then I came home. And I stayed home.

I read the papers that have been piling up on the table. I finally caught up with the missed episodes of the shows that I watch. I phoned my mom. I did a crossword puzzle. I was home when My Youngest came home from school.

I turned myself off and simply let myself waste a day. It has been a while since I had a day like this. And even longer since I savored such a day.

Doing nothing was just what I needed to do. It was a totally awesome way to spend an afternoon.

This Old Dog is Tired of Learning New Tricks

Yesterday was Day #1 at my latest New Job.

I had to laugh at the comment my about-my-age-coworker made when I walked in. She said, "I was told that a New Girl was starting today ... but this is better! You are not a girl!"

Yes, I am a ripe old prune. I have been around the block. I am grounded and chances of me sticking it out are fair to good.

She showed me around during my four hour shift. As long as someone is guiding me, I can do anything that I am told. But this won't last for long. If I remember correctly, I think I have a total of eight hours training and then I'm on my own.

No, it is not rocket science. But yes, people are depending on you to carry your share of the work load so that the next shift is not running behind the eight ball.

Can I learn this stuff? Yes. Am I tired of learning new stuff? Yes. Is this a good workout for my tired brain? Probably.

I worked seven hours at Job #1 yesterday. I messed up a day-end task at the very end of the day and got out of work about 15 minutes late. That ate up half of the half-hour leeway that I had between Job #1 and Job #2. So I went straight to my new job and worked for four more hours.

I'm tired this morning. I must go to my Fairly New Half-Time Job and put together the newsletter today. I must remain calm and grounded. I must quit putting myself down. I must quit wanting and expecting to know it all. I just want to download all of the information that I need to know into my brain and know it.

This too, shall pass. Until my next new position ...

“Let us rise up and be thankful,

for if we didn't learn a lot today,

at least we learned a little,

and if we didn't learn a little,

at least we didn't get sick,

and if we got sick,

at least we didn't die;

so, let us all be thankful.”

~ Buddha quote