The Straw

You know the one ... "the last straw" ... "the straw that broke the camel's back". That straw.

I can look back on my life and recognize and remember the final crushing blow that determined that there was no going back.

Changing jobs, ending relationships, moving, altercations of any kind. There is a moment in time when you recognize that a cycle must stop. The end.

I've always been a 'three strikes, you're out' kind of girl. I believe in second chances. And third ones too. I have not yet crossed the line and gone for the fourth strike.

I believe in giving people and situations a fair chance. I will be the first to point out the error in my ways when things go wrong. It takes two to tango and it takes two to argue. When things go wrong, I know that I am also at fault.

But I have chosen to walk away from situations where there is no happy ending. Some situations drain you from the very core and change who you are. Some things are simply not good for your health. I vividly remember the words "... you will die an early death" ran through my mind if I stayed in one situation. Nothing good can come of ongoing stress.

If something is causing you to lose sleep ... if a situation is changing you into someone you don't feel good about ... if stress levels are high and you can feel your body is taking a beating ... listen to your inner voice. Some times you have to know when to walk away.

It was the last straw that broke the camel's back

Possible interpretation: There is a limit to everything. We can load the camel with lots of straw, but finally it will be too much and the camel's back will break. And it is only a single straw that breaks its back - the last straw. This can be applied to many things in life. People often say "That's the last straw!" when they will not accept any more of something.
~ from http://www.englishclub.com/http://www.englishclub.com/ref/esl/Sayings/I/It_was_the_last_straw_that_broke_the_camel_s_back_503.htm

Sleepless Nights

When something wakes you up and causes you to toss and turn throughout the night ... listen.

There have been times when sheer and utter exhilaration have caused me to lose sleep. When you wake up and your heart beats with joy, it is almost like you don't want to lose a moment not revelling in the happiness that you have stumbled upon. Anticipation, new love or a sense of excitement. Those are reasons worth losing sleep over.

Then there are the nights when you are running through the stresses of the day &/or the work day that you must face upon waking. There have been many nights when I wanted to charge my employer overtime for the work that I have done in my sleep. But, I have found teller outages and rehearsed the upcoming day which has made the 'overtime' worth it.

There are days and nights when you can do nothing but sleep. Sleep is my body's way of coping when I am overwhelmed, depressed or I am simply tired of thinking. This coping mechanism gets me through the day but seldom does it help reveal the answers that I need to see.

There are nights of worrying about that which you have no control over. How many times can a person run over a scenario in their mind and feel utterly helpless? Losing sleep over something which you have no control over is such a waste of a night. It often can't be helped. Your mind kicks into overdrive without the distractions of the day to help you through.

Then there are the nights when you wake up with your heart full of angst. You are at a crossroad in your life and you feel that your decision will reroute your life. When choices are available in life it gives us the illusion of control. Some choices are easy. Your thoughts are filled with visions of where you think this road will take you and you envision good things. Other choices are not so black and white. Your head knows one answer and your heart knows another. When my head and heart are in conflict, I wake up with a fist in my chest, my heart races and sleep evades me.

We make snap decisions all day, every day and deal with the consequences as they arise. It is the 'big' decisions, the decisions that come with time to mull, consider and weigh the pros and cons ... that have the ability to stop us in our tracks.

Deadlines come and go in life. Sometimes the answer is clear. Other times your subconscious mind is trying to speak to you. It wakes you up in the middle of the night and won't be quiet.

Listen to the answers you hear in the middle of the night. They are the words your conscious mind has been quietening all day. Listen ... and the answers will come.

Little Injustices

I don't think that I have worked at anything as physically demanding as the job that I have right now ...

I have delivered papers. I pulled/carried/delivered papers for up to four routes. I walked through rain, sleet, snow and ice. But the job was complete within an hour or two.

I babysat. I carried, rocked, lifted and tended to the needs of many. We walked anywhere we wanted to go. I pushed strollers, pulled wagons and held hands. My work day was long but the physical demands were spaced out throughout the day.

I have exercised. I devoted time and energy to keep physically fit. It had a defined start and end. Often about an hour. The end. Then I went on my merry way.

I have danced. Private lessons were a half hour. Group classes were another hour and a half. Formation classes were an hour. Dancing for fun??? I never, ever got enough of that ...

I have worked around the house. I've done yard work, painted, moved furniture, scrubbed, cleaned and filled a day with housecleaning. Some days were more physically demanding than others and I haven't had one of those days in quite some time.

I have walked. I've put quite a few miles on these feet of mine, but having a defined destination put a beginning and an end to each trek. The only time that I ever walked to exhaustion was one time in my teens when we 'walked all day' for some walkathon.

But this job? I walk in the door and go straight to work. Filling shelves, pulling trolleys loaded with merchandise, packing up rack after rack after rack of baking, hauling the empty racks to the back and putting the various cookie sheets and baking trays back to where they belong, emptying garbage, helping customers and the list goes on. And on. I quite honestly don't stop moving for the duration of my shift.

I have been working at this job for about a month. Granted, the first two weeks were only weekend shifts, but since then I have worked three or four consecutive days. Add that onto my other job and I have had most of  my days accounted for. Okay, okay ... I just checked and I have had nine days off over the course of the past month. So I definitely have had my share of down-time. But, the point that I'm trying to make is that I have not been sitting at home and twiddling my thumbs. I have been busy. And when I haven't been busy, I have been content just to be home. I have not been over-eating. If anything, I am eating much less than I normally do.

The injustice of it all?? I have gained four pounds in two months. Four pounds!! And I've been doing more and eating less! What is with that??

I mentioned this to my doctor and she said that what I have been doing is not as good as exercise. "You will not lose weight that way" ... I don't even care about losing weight. I simply can't afford to gain two pounds a month.

Sometimes ... you do all the right things and the wrong things happen.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho ... It's Off to Work I Go!

The phone is ringing and changing my days again. It is sort of okay. But I'm sort of disappointed too.

The extra hours means extra cash. That is good. Right? Starting earlier means leaving earlier doesn't it? Not really.

This is the first job in my life that I consciously arrive at the stroke of the hour in which I am scheduled to start. The moment I walk through the doors, I'm busy. That is good. But do I feel like I've made a difference or accomplished what I am supposed to do? No.

Breaks? You can take them ... but I don't. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day. Quitting time? You could leave when the clock strikes the hour in which you are scheduled to leave ... but I don't. I try to finish whatever it is that I may have started. Do I feel like it makes a difference? Not really.

I'm putting in my time. I'm doing my best. I'm floundering and lost. But I must go back.

Speaking of which ... I must go in an hour earlier than scheduled this morning. That is, since my schedule was changed a few days ago. My 1:00 - 5:00 shift was changed to 10:00 to 3:00; then changed again to  9:00 to 4:30. I'll probably be home late. Again ...

I wish I could say 'it pays the bills' ... but it doesn't. But it helps. So I will go back, smile and do my very best. Again.

Sigh ....

If It Isn't Broken ...

A while ago, our vet told us to switch our Senior Cat to canned cat food to aid in hydration and stave off some common ailments of older cats (urinary tract disease, for one).

Our cat has existed solely on dry cat for for the entirety of his life with us (except the odd bird or mouse that he caught in his wandering days). We tried hiding medication in canned cat food when he was a kitten and that was enough for him to decide that nothing good could come out of a can. So dry cat food it was.

But when our vet suggested this dietary change, I thought we should give it a try. I knew of his past aversion to canned cat food so I expected that the transition would be gradual and he would continue to satisfy his appetite with the dry cat food as he weaned his taste buds to a new consistency and flavor.

I was wrong. Once he didn't detect any hidden medication in the moist cat food, it was as though the dry cat food did not exist. We increased the amount of canned food to satisfy his appetite and went on our merry way.

It seemed that the need to top off his water dish declined. My guess is that he wasn't as thirsty because of the water content in his food. Though I knew that it was vital that he drink ample water, we just kept following doctor's orders thinking that it would all work out.

We kept this up for a few months. Until I noticed disturbing evidence in the cat litter that all was not as well as it once was. The sight of blood gave my heart a start. I thought maybe it would just a one-time occurrence. I was wrong. When I mentioned this to my Middle Son he calmed my fears by suggesting that it was probably his body adapting to his new diet and perhaps he was constipated.

I watched and wondered. Nothing changed. So I went to our neighbourhood pet store and talked to the experts there. I was directed towards the best of the healthy canned cat food and told of all of the evils of all of the rest. Ahhh ... a solution at last. I thought this was the answer we were looking for.

Except our cat would have absolutely nothing to do with that blasted health food. He still had his dry cat food as an option so I had little fear of him starving himself. But it seemed as long as he saw the bowl that the moist cat food was served out of, he expected salmon paté of the unhealthy kind.

So ... I started the weaning process back to his dry cat food. It took a while as he appeared to be waiting for better things to appear in his dish, but he finally gave in and readapted to his dry cat food. The food that he has been enjoying his entire life.

His appetite is back, he is drinking lots of water and his litter box has not held any bad news. His fur is shiny and soft and he is acting like the kitten we know and love. He is doing well.

He wasn't 'broke' to start with. We changed what was working for him and turned his digestive system upside down. Why does one tamper with what works?

It made me wonder about the cravings and food habits we develop. If we are in good health and not depriving ourselves of what our body is telling us it needs, could those cravings be telling us what we need to know to keep things in good running order?

As I sat back and enjoyed my third cup of coffee this morning, I satisfied myself by believing there is something in that cup of caffeine that is working for me. Perhaps it is just a habit. But maybe, just maybe it is something that makes my system run a little smoother.

It's working for me. So I'm not 'fixing' it!

The Memory Book

My Youngest & I have turned a job into a rather enjoyable experience.

We have cleared out the top shelf of his closet, some of the clutter in his room and a file of miscellaneous paperwork and turned all of it into a Memory Book of his elementary school years.

I included him in the project right from the onset, as I asked him go through class pictures and write down the names of his classmates for future reference. This is something that we should have done the day that he brought them home from school because I see that I am not the only one who cannot retain long term memories.

As he took on the task of labelling school photos, I started collecting his journals from over the years. Soon he was leafing through the journals as they provided several clues for his memory lapses.

Rummaging through the clutter of the past can be fun. It provides a person with a road map down memory lane. One memory leads to another. The next thing we knew, we were going through photo albums to connect the dots of the past and create a more vivid picture.

Then we remembered the various letters, notes, journals and other memorabilia that we have scattered about the house. As we collected and reread those it spurred on a whole new conversation.

We talked, we laughed and we reminisced. We bantered back and forth and talked about the good old days.

I couldn't help but think of the memories that we have created these past few days as we put together this book of his life-so-far. I will never look at that book without reflecting on the lazy, hazy days of his summer holidays when we had the time to work on this. Together.

Each and every time I create a physical, tangible memory that will outlast me, a part of me fast forwards to the time when one of the people in the memory will no longer be around.

As a parent, I assume I will be the first to leave this earth. When I work on these little projects, I feel like I'm leaving a part of me behind and it is just a way of keeping memories alive forever ...

But yesterday I felt uneasy. Just because I am oldest, it doesn't guarantee that I will outlive my children. What if I was the one left behind with nothing but my memories? I glanced at the Memory Book and it tugged at my heart strings. It is full. But it is not complete ...

As we wound up the day, My Youngest made some comment about the way we were looking back on his life and talking like two old souls. "And I'm only 14 ..."

We packed it up and left a small accumulation of memorabilia to deal with another day. I shook my head and wondered why I felt the need to complete what we had started that day because 'there is always tomorrow ...'

We take tomorrow for granted. Making memories today is the only guarantee we have. I'm grateful for opportunities to reflect and remember all that I have. Today. Because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

Something Good is Happening Here ...

I have had more energy the past week than I can remember having for a very long time. What is going right??

It can't be the food, can it? Our supper meals were unmemorable and unremarkable. Clearing out what was in the fridge and foraging come to mind when I try to remember what we ate. I haven't had the time, inclination or energy to snack. Oh, except for the night that I had a cookie and chips for supper ...

It could be getting the proper amount of sleep. I have done precious little napping on the couch this past week. Thus, sleeping during regular sleeping hours only perhaps made the quality of sleep a little better. Maybe less is more for me.

I have been on my feet at work for six consecutive days. At the end of the day, my body has been as tired as my brain. Ever since I went back to school then ventured into my bookkeeping career which segued into secretarial work ... I have been wearing out my brain on a regular basis. My body still had energy to burn, but my worn out brain overruled my body's need to move. Could this be the reason I couldn't seem to stay awake whenever I sat still?

I have had a schedule for the past six days. I have known what to expect. I haven't been jumping every time the phone rang. I haven't been sitting on pins and needles. I know (with a fair amount of certainty) what the next day will bring. Which brings about a calmness that I haven't felt in a very long time.

When calmness within reigns, everything else falls into place.