Grateful

“There is a simple path to follow, that appears only when you calm your mind. It leads you on a beautiful journey back to your original self; the perfect, beautiful you.”

~ Bryant McGill

I accidentally stumbled across this 'simple path' when my life got very quiet and the answers that I needed to hear came to me without effort, without soul searching and without a doubt in my mind that these were the answers that I needed to hear.

Notably, the time that this stands out the most for me was that 'sitting in a sunbeam moment' with my new son. It was the first time that I was aware of the relationship between the quieting of my mind and finding the direction that was right for me.

There are other times that I remember as an afterthought. The times when it was almost as if someone (when no one was there in a physical sense) whispered in my ear and told me a plain truth. A truth that made my choices from that moment on ... obvious and (relatively) easy.

Last year about this time, I felt the need to run away. My mom hates when I use that phrase: "run away". I guess because it sounded like I wanted to leave and never come back. The exact opposite was the truth. I knew I craved some physical distance between me and the issues at hand. I knew that I had to find a quiet place where my mind could relax and 'my answers' would reveal themselves. I suppose the more apt way to phrase it would be that I was "running toward" my answers and inevitably returning home with a game plan.

Once again this past summer, I felt the need to find that quiet place that I needed, to help me relax and find the route I needed to take. Those quiet days never did happen, but lucky for me an angel (that I call my friend) whispered in my ear (actually we were talking on the phone) and said the words that my subconscious mind was ready to hear. The rest is history.

I crave quiet moments. I am certain that this is why I get up hours before I need to go anywhere or 'be' anyone to anybody else. I need that time to regroup. Be quiet with my thoughts. And write. So many subconscious thoughts rise to the surface when I write.

When my quiet time is infringed upon, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm gasping for air and trying to reach the surface. I know what I need to regain my sense of ease ... but sometimes, it is just out of reach.

This weekend has been a blessing of quiet moments at home. I have talked to friends on the phone. I had company yesterday. But it was all easy. All from the comfort of home with lots of quiet time to renew my spirit.

I am grateful today. Grateful for the contrasts in life that help me appreciate and savor the quiet moments ... because I have so much more than the 'quiet' going on in my life. And for that too ... I am grateful.

Today ...

Today ...

I slept in. Just an hour ... but it was a good hour.

I placed the phone, the TV & VCR remotes and a book onto the end table in the living room. This ... is my goal today. To relax.

I will deliver the flyers ... but I will wait until later in the day so that the sun has a chance to warm up the cool fall air. I will turn a job into something enjoyable by not racing against the clock or doing it first thing in the morning to get it done and over with.

I will revel in the little treats that I bought for myself last night. A new sweater. A new top. A new book. All on sale. Today ... I shall enjoy my purchases.

Today ... will be a day of enjoying simple pleasures.

P.S. As an extra added bonus I even turned up the heat in the house. It is actually warm in here. Party on!!!

The Gift of Choice

6:36 a.m. - I could (and probably should) be out delivering flyers at the moment ... but I don't have to be out there this morning! So I may or may not go out and start that job. My uncommitted weekend  has given me the gift of that choice.

I wrote that sentence and minutes later, I was out the door delivering those flyers. Funny what a difference it makes to choose to do something. I kept telling myself the past few weeks, that I would have chose to do those flyers in the early morning hours. But that feeling of doing it out of necessity made the very same task feel onerous.

I have a skip in my step this morning as I anticipate this upcoming long weekend of doing nothing out of necessity.

I feel almost weightless as I step towards the weekend. I mindlessly started writing a list of want-to-do tasks.

I hope to relax my body, mind and soul this weekend. I am so tempted to 'unplug' from all contact with the world and just retreat within our life at home. I don't want to be pulled out of this place I am at right now. Unless it is by choice ...

Taking What I Have ... and Making it Work!

Life has hit a very enjoyable plateau. I know that I have to strive for more but for now I am focusing on making what I have ... work.

As I think back on this past year I remember where I've been and focus on all that I learned, I am beyond grateful to have found my way back home.

It exhausts me to focus on the financial instability that continues to play a part in my days. Though I am already earning more than I averaged over the course of the past year, I cannot become too complacent about that fact. I should be out there 'selling myself' to attract one or two more children to my daycare.

I used to sit down with my finances on a regular basis, consumed with juggling the numbers to balance the budget. I spent a lot of time sitting down and 'doing the math'. And in the end?? It really didn't matter. No matter what I did, unexpected expenses arose and messed up my numbers. Many times ... the opposite happened. It seemed (almost) every time I was making the best choices that I could with the money I had at hand, 'pennies from heaven' would fall just when I needed them the most. There was always enough.

It took the greater part of my life to reach the point where I realized that worrying about money was a waste of energy. As long as I respected the money that I had and didn't overextend my spending (paying off my credit card at the end of each month was the one rule that I followed religiously) ... things had a way of working out.

I have a system that works for me.

I have added up my annual expenses and divided them by 12. I set that dollar amount aside every month and when I need the money to cover the bigger bills, it is there.

Thankfully, my mortgage is (relatively) small and all that I am required to pay is the interest. This feature has allowed me the freedom to make choices that I never could have if I had to pay rent or regular mortgage payment.

My bills are minimal. I am so grateful for that fact. It has given me the opportunity to learn &/or earn-as-I-go. But ... the past year has been a bit of a financial challenge. Now that I am working at a job that I feel fully capable of doing, I do need to focus just a small bit on making myself become just a little more financially stable.

But I do not want that to rule my choices. The last time I ran my daycare, I was in a perpetual state of Financial Worry. I took on too many children because I was worried about income security, safety nets and all contingencies 'just in case' of all of the various scenarios that affected my bottom line.

This time? I know I can live on little. I know that I am a calmer, better daycare provider when I have fewer children in my care. I am discovering that less is more when it comes to taking care of children. The truth of the matter is that kids have more fun when there are more kids to play with. So I do hope that my daycare family grows to 'four'. Five at a a maximum.

But for this very moment? I need to focus on making what I have ... work. And? It seems to be working for me.

Case in point - I checked my bank balance this morning to find an excess! I have received another final pay cheque from my last employer. Pennies from heaven when I least expected them ...

"...He has continuously made a way when there seemed to be no way ..."

~ Quote from "The Miracle of Cedar Lodge"

Life's Little Annoyances

"Ever since you reopened your daycare ..."

I've been on the receiving end of that statement a few times in a few days. I'm hearing feedback from those that share this roof. If the end of those statements ended with a follow-up statement worse than going through bowls more quickly or me getting up too early (and making noise) ... I wouldn't be so offended.

I got up just as early during my reign at the school board. I did exactly the same things. The only difference? I open a few more drawers to retrieve the diapers and wash clothes that I will need for the day. On the day in question? Yes ... I vacuumed the mat at the back door. I have also done this before.

The bowl (non)issue? Crazy. My answer was "We could buy more bowls if that is our biggest problem". (I must admit that this was more of an observation than a complaint ... but it just came on the heels of everything else).

I am going through another transition of adding a new personality to my daycare this week. This little girl demands a different kind of attention and energy. She cries. A lot. Crying wears me down. It is only Wednesday. This is to be expected and I am okay with this. But it drains me.

I have a parent who doesn't believe her child should go outside because she has a cough. I disagree with this thinking. I think that fresh air is good. Perhaps she is making an issue out of the cough because of the ear infection that preceded it. The ear infection? I get. I have kept her head covered with whatever the mom has provided. It is just that this particular parent offers me a lot of feedback which is starting to make me feel like I cannot do anything to meet her standards. It wears on a person.

I also just found out that one of my family's circumstances has changed and even though she has assured me otherwise, I am afraid that this mom may have to move back to her parent's home (out of town) to make her finances work.

I suddenly feel like I have a lot of 'bosses'. I thought it was going to be easy when my underlying job was simply to keep the kids happy and everyone else would be happy too.

It is coming at me from too many different angles. I am fighting too many battles that don't deserve the energy it is taking.

I started this week with nothing in reserve. I was exhausted. I am regaining my equilibrium again and I have an uncommitted long weekend on the horizon. I just need to regain my footing so that I can brush off life's little annoyances with ease.

Everything has felt bigger than it actually was this week. Wednesday has always been my turn-around day. The day where I have the most energy. I am already fielding the challenges of the day better.

I still believe that my role is to keep my kids happy and everyone else will be happy by default. I am going to stick with that. It works. And it feels right.

Finite Resources

There are only 24 hours in a day no matter what way you slice it or dice it. Some people can do more with those 1,440 minutes than others ... but we all have the same time at our disposal.

Energy is also a finite resource. We are each fueled by sleep, nourishment and our level of health. We are unique in how we juggle all of the above to make the most of our day.

We are each motivated by a variety of different factors. Doing something out of necessity can energize one person and deplete the next.

If we are young, in good health and inspired to make the most of a day we can move mountains in a 24 hour period.

A happy and healthy state of mind is a blessing. A healthy body that works the way we expect it to is a gift. A good balance of all that nourishes a soul can bring about the most productive days we dare to hope for.

When the balance is out of kilter, it takes a toll on everything else.

Friends. Family. Home. Work. Leisure. Mind stimulating opportunities. Down time. Nourishment. Balancing the budget. And the list goes on.

All of these factors are important to my peace of mind and when one or another are out of kilter, I can feel my equilibrium teeter.

As I sit here in the middle of the room with my three young charges underfoot, I see how easy it should be.

Eat when you are hungry. Sleep when you are tired. Cry when you want to. Laugh without worrying what anyone else thinks. Make friends with everyone. Believe that you deserve to play with that toy just as much as the next guy. And make the most of the hours between nap times.

As we grow up, we start to let our priorities get all mixed up. I think that I need to start by making the most of my hours between naps. I have been letting time slip through my fingers lately ... but the need to sleep when I've been tired has been playing havoc with the hours available in the day.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend to put myself back in a balanced state of living....

When a Little is Enough

Oh, how quickly Monday morning rolled around again ...

It was a busy and fun weekend. Busy tending to that-which-I-needed/wanted-to do, before I indulged in a 24 hour retreat with a group of friends.

It was a weekend that fulfilled me on every level. But once full ... I was empty.

I returned home and had less than no energy. I slept. And slept. And slept.

Thankfully I woke to a day of work-from-home. I love when my work comes to me. I love when I get to stay home and just be 'me' ... and that is enough. It is enough to give to the children in my care. They come to me and just want me to keep them safe, happy, clean and fed.

I just have to be a 'mom' today ... and it is enough.