Kitty Caresses

Our New Cat has the habit of following (or beating) me into the bathroom whenever he knows that I am headed that way.

I think this has something to do with the fact that he knows that once I sit down, he has a captive audience and my hands are at the perfect level to pet him, scratch his ears and just basically adore him.

If I tend to forget to continue to lavish my affection on him, he stands on the floor with his front paws on my knees and his face close to mine. And the loving continues ...

This morning, he was doing just that and as we were in our face-to-face pose and I was massaging his head, his paw kept raising up in the air as if to give me a high five.

I stopped scratching and gazed into our New Cat's eyes. Mutual adoration was the result. And then it happened ...

He raised his paw and lovingly caressed my cheek. Twice.

Thanks, Kitty-Cat! You'll never know just how much I needed that. Then again?? Maybe you did ..

Blank

I want to say that my brain is empty. But it is not. My thoughts are very short sighted and skittish. They run away from me and I can't pin any of them down. It is more than a little bit frustrating when I try to zero in on something to write about in the morning. Or finish my mom's letter ...

I started a letter to her a week ago. I never finished it. I didn't send her a letter last week. I send her a letter every week. I have even managed to be diligent enough (on some occasions) to write her before I see her on a weekend, so that she still receives a letter the following week.

My letters are about nothing. Or something. Or anything. But at least they are something.

Sitting before me, is a letter I started to write on Friday. So far it says basically "I am getting a jump start on your letter ..."; "I went to my blog to see if I had anything worth sending. Not really ..."; and hours later, an update about taking my daycare family out for a walk and the lunch-rush afterwards. My words on the page end with "Maybe this letter-writing-thing won't work right now ..." THE END.

Then? I did as close to nothing as one person can do all weekend. It almost hurts to think about it.

I need to push myself out of this spot. I was more than a little bit bitter about having each and every weekend committed to something for the entire month of June. Looking back, it is exactly what I needed ... even though I didn't want it.

I feel like a petulant child. I pout when I don't get what I want. Then I get it ... and I don't want it.

Then I read this:

"When we feel stuck, going nowhere -- even starting to slip backward -- we may actually be backing up to get a running start." ~ Dan Millman

Well Dan, I really hope that you are right. And in some ways? I think you are. I've got big plans for myself in the upcoming weeks and perhaps what you say, is true. I'm backing up to make that running start to get me over this hurdle. It is a hurdle that has been standing in my way for over two years.

Enough said. I'm not going to write about my intent. I'm just going to do it. Then, I'll have too much to say! I really will.

The blank slate that is my life right now is full of unwritten words. The words will be written. Soon ...

Cat Therapy

I have heard that you can empty your brain of all conscious thought when gazing into a fire or watching the ocean. I am not terribly certain if my brain has ever been that quiet. But I have found my own way of removing excess thoughts from my mind. It is by watching our cats ...

It is the simplest of things that entertains me when it comes to our black, furry family:

How many ways can I continue to be amused at our Junior Cat's preference for laying on his back?

... or both cats 'snuggling' (this is about as good as it gets)

... or Junior Cat's dog-like qualities as he 'begs' to take a cat treat out of my hand after a nasty liquid medicine treatment (the white spray on his chest is medicine - he is quite the drama king when it comes to taking medicine)

Then there is our Senior Cat's simple enjoyment of life's small pleasures ... such as hanging out in the front yard (and catching a few extra beams of warmth by laying beside the truck tire)

Or our Senior Cat tuning out the world around him as he assumes the 'time out' position in our toy cupboard ...

... then I heard a clunking sound in the same cupboard and found our Senior Cat trying to lay on his back like he has seen Junior Cat do on many occasions

My Second Son has voiced a few complaints about our Junior Cat. One of them being that he keeps losing his ear plugs. The orange looks very good on black when 'Junior' grabs the ear plug in his mouth to carry it about the house

Junior Cat makes this pose look comfortable no matter where in the world he is ...

Senior Cat is just a big kid at heart ... I think my daycare family, the toys, the activity and ever-changing scenery around here takes him back to happy memories of his younger years 

Our Senior Cat weighs in three pounds lighter and nine years older ... but when it comes to Cat Wrestling? He is reigning champ and Junior Cat knows it.  The purely submissive nature of our bigger, younger, more agile and energetic 'kitten' is endearing. I think that our Senior Cat is having a hard time disliking him because he is so darned likeable. (I like the self satisfied body language of 'I win again!'  at the end of this clip)

I started this post feeling just a little bit blue and listless. I have spent the better part of two hours looking at cat photos and videos that have accumulated over the past month. You will be happy to know that I have attached only a small portion of all that I have been enjoying...

But do you know what? I feel better. It was a little bit like gazing into a fire. My mind focused only on the simple pleasures that I reap from our little cat family.

A little Cat Therapy was all that I needed. May you find your equivalent of 'staring into an ocean' to bring some peace into your thoughts today ...

Who's Been in My Cupboards??

My elation of finding that the pepper shakers had been filled by an anonymous party was soon followed by disillusionment when I went to lightly pepper the eggs I was frying:

One needs to keep their sense of humor when living with adult children. You know that you think something is funny when you must grab your camera and capture the moment before you go and 'rescue' your meal.

It was a light moment within a heavy week. I needed that.

Tips and Tricks for Dealing With Life (or Quicksand)

The week has been a hodge podge of emotions as I adjust to the changes within my daycare world (and by extension, my budget). I feel like I have been trudging through quicksand and trying very hard to relax so that I maintain my 'buoyancy' and not sink in any further by panicking. 

Life's little potholes and quicksand are eerily similar. I googled "How to get out of quicksand" and the steps that the article encompass a few life lessons as well. I will rename my interpretation of this advice to "How to pull yourself out of emotional overload":

1. Avoid emotional overload. This can be done by crawling into bed and covering your head with a blanket. Or ... more practically by not diving into territory that has the potential to take over rational thought.
2. Bring a large stick when visiting emotionally charged territory. Literally or figuratively ... it never hurts to bring along a tool to assist you if you get into trouble. Perhaps beating off your emotions with a stick may be a little futile. But hey! You never know until you try it.
3. Drop everything if you find yourself in a situation where intense emotions take over. Hunker down and pool your resources. You don't know if you are in this for the long haul or if it is just a temporary blip. Focus your energy on that which needs attention (or see step one and crawl into bed with that blanket).
4. Relax. Relaxing is always a good answer. Park yourself in front of your favorite mind numbing activity (on the couch, in front of the TV works for me). Then again it may be a good time to step outside and breathe in some fresh air and sunshine. Just avoid quicksand while you are out there.
5. Breathe deeply. Breathing is always a good option. The length and depth of your breaths are good things to focus on when you are feeling your emotions getting the better of you. The quick intake of breath as you sob isn't a preferred coping mechanism. But cry if you must! Get it out. Then ... take ten deep, long breaths.
6. Get on your back. Yes, laying back in front of the TV works well for me. Then again, simply surrendering to the moment is often the way to go. You don't sink too much further once you surrender. Feel it. Live it. Breathe it. Then ever-so-slowly, roll yourself over and crawl for solid ground.
7. Take your time. Emotional breakdowns cannot be rushed. If you don't want to find yourself back in this same predicament time and time again.... take. your. time. And lay down in front of the TV when your emotions start to feel too intense. 
8. Take frequent breaks. Breaks are always a good thing. Eat. Sleep. Be still. Nourish yourself in ways that fill the void within you. Dealing with emotional backlash is exhausting. Rest. You need it to get yourself through this. Do you see why I spend so much time in front of the TV??
9. Use a stick (optional). Sometimes? It is the only way. Use that stick to defend yourself if you must. But better yet, extend it to one-that-you-trust and surrender to the fact that sometimes? Just sometimes ... you need a little help from a friend to pull yourself out of where-you-are-at.

The bonus of memorizing, living and breathing these steps if you find yourself in over your head in any circumstance? Is that you also know what you need to do if you ever get caught in quicksand.

I am Not Alone

I have come across some blog authors that truly strike a chord with me. They write. I feel. They may be dealing with life circumstances that appear to be polar opposite to the hand which I was dealt ... but they write in a way that encompasses the world around them and draws you in.

Despite outward appearances, aren't we all in the same boat? Each and every one of us have been dealt a different 'hand' in life but the way we digest, internalize and cope with life's challenges unite us. Because we are all fighting our own battle.

Everyone has a story. We may feel alone and lonely ... until we listen to someone else's back story. Whenever we have one of those 'knee shaking' conversations (where we are 'real' with each other ... where pretenses are lost and you find yourself thinking "I am not the only one...") it opens the door and casts light upon that which we are aching to heal.

This week, I have been fighting to keep my head above water. It is not a intense struggle. I am simply treading water when I would rather not even be in the pool. I'm not drowning but I'm not comfortable either. It has been taking an extraordinary amount of energy to accomplish the ordinary tasks that each day brings. I feel like I am teetering on an edge that could easily go either way if I let go. So I'm hanging on ...

I don't know if it is a matter of seeing what I need to read, when I need to read it ... or if the world has spun into a different orbit and has disoriented a good portion of the population of the authors that I am reading. But it seems to me, that I am not alone in my struggle. And reading how others are dealing with the same emotions (differing in intensity ... but the underlying cause is so relatable to me) reassures me. I am not alone ...

Our ability to cope with what we are dealt comes in ebbs and flows. When you are at the top of your game and life throws you a curve ball, you take a swing at it with all that you've got and you feel that the only way you can lose is if you don't try. When you are sitting on the bench and called out to play when you would rather be cowering in a corner, you don't feel capable of 'hitting that ball' no matter how it comes at you.

This morning, I read the words "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???" as a blog author wrote of her reaction to a kink in their summer schedule. Those simple words put me right smack dab inside of her shoes. I've been there. The anxiety, worry and over reaction to some of life's 'small stuff' when you aren't at the top of your game. I hate when it happens. But it does. I am not alone.

Then I read the words "I just wanted to tell you that I don’t talk about it (depression) either. Especially not when I’m in it" as another author wrote of the depression that she is fighting her way through. Oh, man. I get that too. Especially when it comes to those in your world who want to 'fix' you. No. I don't need to be fixed. I need to wade through this. In my own way. In my own time. I've done this before and I'll do this again. Each time I learn something that I need to know (but as this author writes ... I simply 'forget' what that magic formula was when I'm knee deep in coping). I am not alone ...

Other authors are writing through various challenges, emotions and internal battles. My life is easy compared to others. But sometimes? It simply feels harder than it needs to feel. It is simply comforting to know that I am not alone ...

On a cheerier note, my days as a daycare provider have been bringing light into my world. My new family started yesterday and it simply could not have gone better. I want to be like a two-year-old. My two little girls welcomed their new friend into their world like they have known each other forever. A little family of three moved across an ocean to bring them 'exactly to this spot' ... their little girl has found a kinship among friends in a heartbeat.

Envelop those in your world the way a two-year-old does. Don't hold back. Open the door and let life walk in. Chances are, that the person on the other side of that door needs your friendship just as much as you need theirs.

Remember ... we are not alone.

Hard Questions

 "I was just wondering if he (my 15 year old son) was ever left unsupervised with the children as I wouldn’t be comfortable with this..."  

These are the words that were a springboard for a day's worth of deep and soul searching thoughts. I could not stop the cycle once it began. 

First off, it was a shock to my system to look at my son the way others see him. He has grown up before my very eyes despite the fact that I still see (and hear) my young child within him. Reopening my daycare and bringing out various toys from his youth has sparked so many memories and conversations. It is interesting to hear your child talk about when they were young. I was shaken back into the reality that he has grown up to be a mini-man in front of my very eyes.

As soon as my new parent posed the question, our days flashed before my eyes. I have been open in telling my parents that My Son has been helping me throughout the summer holidays ... but have I told them how he helps? An extra set of eyes, ears and hands is so very much appreciated when dealing with a group of small children. His sense of calmness and way of reasoning with the kids is fresh and unbiased. His mere presence in my day gives me a sounding board (perhaps much more than he wishes). Plus ... he plays with the kids. I organize. I supervise. I hover. I enforce the rules. But I don't play.

Has my son ever been left unsupervised with the children? 

I have one parent who habitually 'forgets' to call when she is running late from work. I can understand when it is a half hour or less. But an hour or more? This habit became apparent early on in our daycare arrangements. I had other obligations a few nights of the week, as well as various appointments and commitments from time to time. So I asked her (in advance), in cases like this if she minded if My Son watched over her child until she arrived. He has taken a babysitting course. He babysat on a regular basis for one of my parents a few years ago. She agreed. I took advantage of the situation a few times, but always called her first. My Son always ensured that I took care of any 'bathrooming needs' before I walked out the door and the mom usually arrived within minutes. My son said the longest time may have been twenty minutes.

More often than not, I am in the same room at the same time as my son. But I have been in the kitchen. Or run downstairs. Or run outside. Or gone to the bathroom. But I have always either been within earshot or seconds away from reappearing. I can almost always hear exactly what is going on.

So the reason this parent's question resonated in my mind is because "Yes, my son has been with the children without me being present." I could not erase that reality from my mind. 

But the second part of that truth is what set me free (thank goodness for two quiet children as we strolled the city streets for an hour yesterday morning, as my thoughts finally had the chance to free fall through my mind and sift through the reason I could not quiet my thoughts). "But at no time, have I ever felt that I have put any one's children in jeopardy." 

I realized then, that I have subconsciously been very aware of My Son's presence when he is with the kids. There has been a continual internal dialogue going on within my  mind that I didn't even hear. "Would a parent be comfortable with this?" is a constant. And my answer is always, always "Yes". 

Lessons learned while growing up in a daycare have taught My Son so much more than I realized. We had a few instances of "child curiosity" that sparked discussions among my young daycare family (years ago) about respecting other's privacy and 'private parts'. I have been discreet and encourage a certain amount of privacy when I am changing diapers. I am not overly demonstrative when it comes to hugging, kissing, tickling or anything that involves 'personal space' ... and I have passed this trait along to my own children. So My Son 'accepts hugs' when offered, with a respectful board-like quality (that I must admit, in cases where other people's children are involved, I appreciate).

I ran into two instances over the course of my 12 years in daycare, where the interaction among older kids made me very uneasy (personal boundaries and privacy issues were being tested). I was vigilant in my supervision in these cases, talked with parents about what I saw and felt ... and in one case, I did ask one family to leave because something just felt 'off' when their boys were here (thankfully the other matter was taken out of my hands when the child-in-question stopped coming here).  So I can fully appreciate a parent's concerns and this is something that my mother bear instincts are tuned into.    

So after recognizing the reason this question set this flurry of anxiety through me I can say with absolute conviction that at no point have I ever felt that I have placed the children in my care in any jeopardy.

When I feel a truth inside of me that is trying to escape, I like to examine the reasons why it feels so uncomfortable. The damage is done in cover-ups and excuses. I am satisfied that I have come to the bottom of my discomfort and there is nothing that I have to be hide.

Getting to the bottom of the 'hard questions' have the potential to wreak havoc with a person's peace of mind. I know from experience that I don't 'squirm' without reason. I would never have made a good criminal. I just don't have the stomach for the queasiness that comes from hidden truths.