Technical Difficulties

The day started to go awry the moment that I hit the 'Publish' button on yesterday's blog post. I went to read/proof my post and I noticed "Friendchecker" pop-ups all over my blog. I deleted a picture that I had uploaded to my post, thinking that it was related. But it wasn't. Our internet explorer homepage kept changing itself back to 'Bing'. The computer was acting like it was possessed. Oh no.

My Youngest Son had possession of the computer all weekend. He was downloading games. He was Skyping. He was Skyping, while playing games with his friends. The computer was crashing on him on a much too regular basis.

All of this made me rather nervous. My central nervous system is attached to this computer. Or at the very least, about 85% of my own personal memory. Pictures are the least of my problems. It is all of the bookwork and writing that I have saved without back-up paper copies. So Sunday night, I did back up the computer. I thought we may be at risk of losing it all, so I was battening down the hatches.

Then the computer started acting up first thing the next morning. All I could think was that I backed up not only the computer ... but also whatever infection the computer may have at the moment. Oh. No.

I did everything I knew how to do.

I deleted all programs that didn't appear to have a purpose. I restarted the computer. Then our antivirus program was full of 'red boxes' (never a good color to see when it comes to antivirus warnings). Subscription problem. This problem. That problem. I think that I saw the word 'corrupted' within the many (red) warning messages that I read. Oh. No!!

Once again, I started running through that-which-I-knew-how-to-do. The list isn't long. But it is time consuming. Eventually I ended up on the phone with a tech from our antivirus program. He told me to do everything that I had already done and a few more things. He couldn't pinpoint the problem so he emailed me instructions on how to do a 'deep scan' in safe mode.

I tried running this scan but the computer kept shutting itself off. During one of the times the computer was running, I emailed my tech support and they advised me to create a Get System Info report and email it to them.

I did all that they asked me to do. Somewhere within all of these processes, our computer started acting like the friend I have always known it to be. It became complacent and left our internet home page alone. The pop-ups on my blog seemed to disappear. It felt like we had averted a crisis-of-the-computer-kind (all, without a phone call to my own personal computer tech-guy ... I was pretty pleased with myself for handling this like a responsible adult).

I continued to clean up disks, defragment, rescan and error-checked disks well into the evening. I had the laptop computer at my side, as I attempted to update our daycare blog during this computer maintenance period. The laptop required updates. My cell phone battery was almost dead and it was recharging via a computer port as well. I was all hooked-up and going nowhere fast as each one of these technological devices were incapacitated in one form or another (my phone was still hooked up to the WiFi connection so that was where I started updating the blog).

It is frightening to see how dependent that I have become on computer technology. I try to blame my lack of attention span (that of a gnat, is my common refrain) on the ages of the friends that I keep throughout 50 hours of my week (trust me, your brain cells may start to resemble those of 1 to 4 year olds, if they were your constant companions). But I must wonder if I am starting to slack off because I have my technology to assist me in all-that-I-must-keep-track-of.

If all systems were to fail me and all that I had left was my brain, a notepad and a pen ... how would I manage?

Perhaps I need to back up a few more files within the memory that cannot be touched by computer viruses. But even that is not fool proof. Memories shift, fade and disappear over time. A back-up plan is still a good way to go.

Prevention is key. Maintenance is crucial. Not holding all your memories on one computer drive is recommended.

The threat that all is not as it should be is a good chance to investigate and take preventative measures. Good computer health and good physical health are more closely correlated than one may think.

Go and look after your own personal Me:drive today!

Off-ui. Hey, I'm Cured!

One step in front of another. Forward steps. I just kept taking them and they got me to where I needed to be.

I woke up to a (what felt like) terminal case of ennui this weekend. It started the moment my weekend began Friday evening. I fought through it and endured. But it hurt.

It hurt to shower. It hurt to clean the bathroom. It hurt to get ready for company. It hurt to visit. It hurt to go to a funeral. Then I had a hangover of hurt after my company left and I did not have to be anything to anyone.

I watched episode after episode of the Gilmore Girls. I had a can of Pringles at my side at all times. I immersed myself in my lethargy and hoped to wake up feeling like a renewed me yesterday. Didn't happen.

What happened instead, is that my Middle Son, His Girlfriend and Their Two Dogs returned from their weekend at their farm hours ahead of when I expected them. I had promised myself that I would have the walks shovelled before their return. So my day was immediately jump-started into motion. And it wasn't awful. In fact, it was a little bit good.

Our weather was absolutely beautiful. Why wasn't I sitting outside on the deck?!?? Okay. It wasn't that beautiful. But it was above freezing. After enduring -30 to -40 degree weather for the better part of a few months, anything above that feels like a chinook. Yesterday? It felt like spring summer!

Next on my agenda - we needed milk. I told my Youngest Son when I left. "I am going out to buy milk. I have a bazillion other things that I could do while I am out. I may be right back. Or I might be gone all day ..."

I left the house at 1:00 and did not return until 5:30.

I spent all of the money that I would have spent on the overnight-get-away that was originally planned for this weekend. I didn't fritter it away. I bought that-which-was-needed. A few clothes (I despise shopping for clothes); an ice fishing sled (so I can pile my Daycare Family into it and go for a nice, long walk now that our winter weather is mild enough); a new mat for the front door (the rubberized backing on the previous mat had disintegrated into black, plastic dust and was no longer repelling water from seeping through to the carpet below); some used toys for the daycare; groceries; and oh, milk.

I got home at 5:30 and had much-left-to-do. I laid my 'carpet' which was a bigger job that it sounds like (I will not go into details but trust me. It took time and muscle power and a small amount of endurance). I assembled the sled (No I didn't. I asked for help tying a knot so it wouldn't come undone when I had a sled-full-of-kids when I was a mile away from home). I washed up the used toys that I had bought. I continued to organize my world for the onslaught of a new Daycare Week.

I didn't stop moving until after 9:00. At night.

It hurt to move. It hurt to sit. I It hurt to sleep. I hurt all through the night. I had just recently started sleeping through the night again after my sleep injury (I hurt my back sleeping) finally healed. Then I moved yesterday. And I hurt all over.

My ennui was cured.

A little Gilmorism that cracks me up:

Lorelai: What's the opposite of ennui?
Sookie: Off-ui. Oh, hey, I'm cured!

*Ennui - a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

It Must Be Winter ... (I feel stormed in)

I can't quite snap myself out of this mood that I woke up to this weekend.

I have gone through the paces. I have done what had to be done. I have showed up. I have interacted with people. Many people. But in each and every conversation or scenario, I caught myself drifting. I wasn't in the moment. I wasn't focused on the here and now. I was wandering.

So yesterday, I let myself shut down.

I did nothing more than absolutely necessary. Supper time came and went. I asked My Youngest what he felt like eating. He told me that he was craving Kraft Dinner but he didn't feel like making it. Neither did I (I know, I know - a major parent-fail-moment). I made him an offer. "If you cook it, I will wash the dishes"... and that is what we did.

Sometimes doing 'everything' feels like too much. Just break down the job and do something.

This sense of lethargy has seeped into the very core of my being. I feel overwhelmed with life and there is absolutely no reason for it. So ... I just laid in bed this morning and eventually, this is the scene that started my day:

I cannot recommend this as a sure fire way to turn a day around. But it doesn't hurt. 

I am still not up to piling a whole heap of anything onto my day's to-do-list but I am going to take one forward step and leave the house to buy some milk. I am not certain if I will do much more than that ... but I will break down the 'job' and at least do one thing...

Doing something. Doing at least one thing. It is the way that we must get through some days. Do what you can do. Sometimes, that must be enough.

Today I am going to try to push harder and do more than necessary. It is something. It is a start. There is no end without a beginning. So I shall begin my day from where I left off yesterday at this very time.

Sad ... Just Sad

I woke up with an extreme case of 'sad' this morning.

I dreamt of a friend who passed away in October. I woke up with the whisper of her memory just out of grasp. I have no idea what I dreamt about. But she was there. I laid in bed unable to push myself into the day when "I Knew the Bride When She Used to Rock and Roll" played on the radio. I attended this friend's wedding. Did they play this song at the dance? I have no idea. The details of that evening are as illusive as my forgotten dream this morning.

A year ago, this very friend was in the hospital at this time. She seemed to welcome and enjoy my company when I dropped by, so I went to visit her each day over the course of the long weekend and stayed as long as she wanted me to stay. What did we talk about? It is like this morning's dream. Details are fuzzy. I simply know that I was there and I listened for hints as to what I could bring with me the next time to make her hospital stay a little more comfortable. I brought packages of ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise. I brought Dole fruit with a plastic spoon. I brought a thermos cup for her to keep hot water at-the-ready. Yet I cannot replay a specific conversation. It is all like a misty dream.

This has been a time-of-great-loss in and around my life. People are getting sick and not recovering. I feel like I have reached a new plateau and the view is hard to take in all at once. A person can just look at one sunset at a time. Relish the beauty that is left in its wake and focus on the highlights of the day that was just lived.

I am headed off to a funeral today.

I didn't know my aunt well, but we had the most enjoyable conversation with her this past fall. I sat beside her at a steak supper put on by the community. Our table was full. Four of my dad's brothers, two cousins, a cousin-in-law, my aunt and me. I talked (almost exclusively) with my aunt. I knew that she was not in the best of health. Her lungs were compromised and her oxygen tank was her companion. She had lost an extreme amount of weight and was unable to tolerate most foods. Yet, when she spoke you could not tell any-of-the-above. I heard life, vitality, inner strength and (I suppose) a little bit of resignation as to her current state of health. I cannot remember details. I remember energy. I remember her. I remember simply enjoying the moment. I remember that she packed up her steak to take home ...

Another family has lost their mother. Another husband has lost his wife. Another person is leaving this physical world and leaving behind bits and pieces of the life they lived. Memories.

When the sun sets upon another day, may you close your eyes and sift through the memories you have accumulated. It is within the memories and stories that we accumulate our wealth.

Memories may become as illusive as that forgotten dream but you don't forget the feeling. I woke up in the comfortable arms of friendship. I felt that I had spent time with someone who no longer walks this earth. If we could only all feel so rich.

If all memories fade the way mine have and all that is left behind is the feeling, endeavour to live a life where you breathe in honest and refreshing encounters with those that you meet. Then exhale more of the same.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

~ Maya Angelou

Missing in Action; Present in Life

I've been missing in action here this week. I cannot even tell you exactly where I have been. Other than I have still been here, doing the same old thing but feeling like I am not really ever catching up with my writing to-do-list.

One morning, I took a pain killer at 4 a.m., and decided to give myself the gift of resting until it kicked in. I stayed in bed until the very last minute and there was no time to write that morning. Sometimes, the need for sleep must supersede all else. Sleep when you are able. You never know when you may need to call on those reserves ...

Then that day took on a life of its own. Our family has faced another loss. My cousins have lost their mother. My uncle has lost his wife and his brother within seven weeks of another. Life is fragile. Treat it with care ...

I spent the next morning sending and returning emails. I had 'writing obligations' to meet. I had a house full of children to tend all day. Life happens. Sometimes all you can do is live in the moment and trust that it will take you where you most need to be ...

I have friends in crisis. One friend just found out her dad has cancer. Another friend is living with an adult child and their lives are in turmoil because his emotional state is upset. I have other friends who are sitting quietly in the sidelines with their own challenges. We had plans to get together this upcoming weekend but I had to cancel those plans. My friends are like sisters to me. Treat your friends like family - you never know just how much they may need a sibling ...

The morning after that, I was the middle-man in a text-to-email-translation between my sisters. One texts. The other emails (she is out of the country and can't send/receive texts at the moment). I was passing messages between the two of them because I have the ability to text and email (my texting sister can also email - it is just that her grandson removed eight keys off of her computer keyboard and she has to use the little white stubs to type). When my sisters do manage to find a means of communication that does not involve me, I will miss the interaction. It has been a great form of entertainment this week. Oh, the little things. They make me smile ...

I sent off a few emails 'just because'. The words were in me and I had to do something with them. I believe it was the right thing to do because I received (almost) immediate responses. I had been scolding myself because I was not following my own advise of calling/emailing/dropping by to see someone when you are thinking of them. When I finally followed through and 'just did it', I knew it was the right thing to do. When your thoughts keep taking you to the same person and place, there is a reason ...

I look all around me and I see so many people who would give anything to have what I have. Our home is like a quiet little oasis in the storm. I look out the window and see what is happening all around us. I feel safe within the confines of our home and I do what I can do to support and walk with those who are facing their own personal storm.

We could lose it all in a millisecond. The life that we presently have. Our health. Our family. Our serenity. Our support system...

In this marvellous world of technological advancement, I can pick up the phone and call my mom (who lives five hours away) and it doesn't cost a penny. I can send off a text to my siblings and assume that it will be read almost immediately. I can email my sister who is out of the country and guess that she may read it within a 24 hour period. I can email my uncle who lives across the country and even though I know that checking in on emails is very low on his priority list, I can be assured that he will read it when he has the time and energy to do so. I can send one email to a group of people and touch a lot of people with a few words. I work from home, so I can reach out and touch people without taking a step out of my home at any time during my day.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a friend once told me that he felt so peaceful within the home that I had created with my young family. I fought hard for this peace and I strive to maintain that serene aura within our lives. It was such a compliment to hear that someone outside of my little family unit felt what I had fought so hard for.

As I watch what is happening outside of these four walls, I feel safe, serene, content and happy. I feel a little bit like a 'port in the storm' for some of the people who touch my life. And for that ... I am grateful.

And that, my friend ... is why I have been MIA this week. I have been present within my life. There is no place else I would rather be.

A Fresh New Week

I am so grateful for Mondays!

Monday is the beginning of a week where I wake up in the morning and my 'work' comes to me.

Monday is a day when I wake up and breathe a huge sigh of relief. "I get to stay home. I get to stay home! I get to stay home!!" is the mantra that sings within my early waking thoughts.

Monday feels like a fresh, new slate. I know the calendar starts its week on Sunday. Personally, my weeks begin on Monday. No matter what the weekend was - work, play, relaxation, productivity, people, solitude or a combination of all of the above - Monday is a new day. A new week. A fresh start.

Do I live for my weekends? A little bit. But not the way I once did. Weekends are the days I get to 'change the channel' and watch something different within my life. But I rather enjoy my weekday line-up.

I was out of the house far too much this past weekend. I could barely pry myself out of bed in the mornings because I knew my day was 'spent' the moment my feet hit the ground. So I hit the pause button and stayed in bed far longer than I usually do.

When I returned at the end of my days, I wanted to cocoon myself in my quiet little spot. I always made it there at the end of the day. But I didn't feel like I enjoyed the voyage that I took to get me where I most wanted to be.

I had a little bit of people-contact after my work hours. But it was hard work holding up my end of the conversation. I was done. I was empty. I was depleted by the time I walked in the door last night.

It is nights-like-this that I wish I lived with cats. Cats need so very little. Very little (or less) was all I had left. Cats tend to forgive you if you have a cranky moment at the end of a very long day at the end of a very long working weekend.

I am very fortunate to live in a home where 'my people' need very little from me either. I walk in the door and no one expects much (if anything) from me. People may forgive you if you have a cranky moment at the end of a very long day at the end of a very long working weekend ... but they don't forget the 'cranky'.

I'm sorry. I was cranky. I wish you hadn't seen that. I wish I hadn't felt that. I can tell that I am feeling my life tip out of balance when I feel that emotion so intensely.

Today is Monday. A new day. A new week. I have hit the 'reset' button. I feel better already. The 'cranky' has left the building.

I am so ready for this new day!

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” 

― L.M. Montgomery

A Sleep Injury

Ten days ago, I woke up with a sleep injury. I placed the blame solely on the fact that I had went to bed at about 7:00 the previous evening and my back could only take so much immobility in one sleeping. I woke up stiff and sore and my malady has reoccurred every night since then.

I strategically place pillows all around my sleeping zone so that my achy back can find relief no matter which way I lay. I have tried every variation except for hanging upside and I have not yet found the magical solution to bring back sleep-as-I-once-knew-it.

Once I get up and moving, I am cured and the symptoms do not present themselves again, until the next time I fall asleep.

My only other symptom is the fact that it 'hurts' to drive. What a ninny I have become!! First off, I become nauseous even thinking about sitting in the back seat of a car. And now this? I get cramps in my 'seating area' and it physically hurts to remain seated in the driving position!

The pitfalls of aging seem to be catching up with me. This time, last year it was sore thumbs. Now, my lower back and buttocks!?!! These are important body parts! I think that my entire chassis needs a good oil and lube job. A general greasing of the drivetrain's steering system and the suspension system sounds pretty good right about now.

As I rethink of the drama that I have created within myself this week - from worrying about our Senior Cat's health condition ... to an over-reaction to a bad hair style ... to whining about a bad night's sleep, I can't help but wonder if the central theme is that my thoughts have become 'all about me' and I need to push myself out of this self absorbed spot and get out into the land of the living.

And that is just what I shall do. Tonight I have a dance class to attend. This weekend, I must work. There are things to do and places to be.

Enough of the drama already! It is time to get moving and shaking. If I can injure myself while I am sleeping, what does that say about my overall state of physical fitness!?