Loss

Living with loss is weighing heavy on my mind this morning.

Perhaps it is because of the Mother's Day just passed. In my mini rant against Hallmark Holidays, I overlooked the parents who have lost a child. Those parents are all that I can think about this morning.

Once again, it angers me (a little) that these invented greeting card holidays accentuate the pain of loss for so many. In reality, Mother's Day is only one of a million triggers for someone who has lost a loved one.

I haven't faced this type of loss up close and personal so I cannot speak to it.

I do stand by my original thought of making the most out of the 'small stuff'. Life's every day moments are the ones to celebrate. And mourn.

When you wake up each morning to a void that was once filled by a vital person within your world, does anything ever feel the same again?

I lost my own dad so very, very long ago that all that is left is the good stuff. Light, easy and comfortable memories.

I can't remember how long it took to get here. But loving someone who is no longer part of your life never ends. I would love to say that the memories live on. Yet they fade. Thus ... I write.

I write about life's little things, big things and everything in between. As I look back upon what I have read in the past, I often have cryptic messages to myself in between the lines. The message was so strong and clear at the time. Yet time faded the acute emotion into gray.

It isn't the Hallmark Holidays that stand out in my mind. It is the small stuff. It is always the small stuff.

For those who are missing someone they lost, I empathize with the pain of remembering that small stuff on a daily basis. All I know is what came true for me. In time, those very same memories creep into your day-to-day world and comfort you when you need them the most.

But the loss of a child. Or a spouse. Or a friend who had not yet lived the long life that we somehow come to expect in this world. How does a person heal? I don't know. I have no idea. I cannot even comprehend it.

I am just sorry. I am so very sorry.

Creating Your Own Hallmark Moments

Well, Hallmark ... you did it again. You've made a mountain out of a molehill on this innocent Sunday in May. You did it to the 14th of February. You'll do it again on some Sunday in June.

I just watched a very true and touching video The World's Toughest Job and I almost wanted to change my mind about what I was about to write. Until I saw that the video was an ad for cardstore.com.

I am a mom and I have a mom. I speak from only my own perspective. Disclaimer: my perspective has never been too keen on holiday celebrations.

First of all, I have a mom. She has done, does and continues to fulfill all of the roles of 'Mom'. I wish that she could just sit back, relax and enjoy the fruits of her labor these days. But she takes this role to heart. And (apparently) all of her children are an extension of that strong, vivacious heart. She cares. She cheers us on. She supports us. She worries. Without end.

One time, she did mention that of all of the holidays, "Mother's Day" is the one that means the most to her. So I have done my best (since she told me that) to honor her on that particular day. But the thing is ... I don't just wait until that day. I write. Every week. We call each other. Any time. If I see a book that I think she will enjoy, I pick it up and send it off to her. Any day. I try to make it out to visit her. Whenever I can. She knows that my door is always open to her. And she uses it.

I don't need a reminder from Hallmark to go above and beyond. I just do it. Whenever and however the spirit moves me.

Will Mother's Day be a day that I mourn my mom a little harder when she no longer walks this earth? If the way I feel about Father's Day (without Dad) is any indication, I doubt it. Those days will come out of the blue. Like Monday mornings, when I go to write her a letter and realize I have no where to send it. When I find a book she would enjoy. When I find a clipping that I want to send her. When I want to run back 'home' for a little vacation and visit. When I plan a family gathering. When I want to ask her a question or tell her a story. And many more occasions that I cannot even begin to imagine.

I don't need a reminder to feel and think and act in a certain way. I simply endeavor to make it a habit. I expect nothing more of my own children.

I have special moments with my children when I least expect it.

Like when my Middle Son pokes his head into the living room with a cup of coffee in his hand. We never know where those conversations may take us. Coffee & us go together. Power visits in a coffee shop when we were both on our way to becoming self employed entrepreneurs (him, more than me; I was simply trying to pay the bills by working from home). An offer of a ride out to his farm ... with a coffee waiting for me in his truck. A spur-of-the-moment visit out to see my mom. And we always pick up a cup of coffee on the way out of the city. 'Mother's Day' = a cup of coffee with my son. Whenever the spirit moves us.

Then there are the intense, real conversations that I have with my Oldest Son when I least expect them. They cannot be forced. I have tried 'forcing' those moments since he was nine years old. I don't think that they really started to happen until about five years ago. We had a lot of time to make up for, so we had many deep and intense conversations for a long while. Then they subsided and it was impossible to force those moments again. But when they come, they are more real and more special than ever. There is a softening around his eyes and a vulnerability around his heart that I can see and feel when he lets his guard down. It is a gift when it happens. Because it doesn't happen often. 'Mothers Day' = a heart-to-heart talk with my son. Whenever or however it may occur.

My Youngest Son and I have many conversations-about-nothing-and-about-everything all at the same time. We connect on some level (almost) each and every day. We have bonded and shared stories over our Cat Time which happens here, there and everywhere. One night this week, he needed to tell me about his day at school and he took advantage of a four minute drive to unload some of the words that he had inside of him. He is almost sixteen years old and he talks to me. I hear his dad's voice within him but a friend gave me the biggest gift of all when she told me that she hears a piece 'me' within his conversation and demeanour. 'Mother's Day' = making the most out of every day moments with my son. As often as time and life permits.

My Children, I don't need any special acknowledgement on Mother's Day. But I do appreciate these little gifts of coffee, conversation and shared time sprinkled unexpectedly throughout the year. I don't need flowers, cards or food to appease me. Especially when given under duress. All I want, is for you to know that the door to our home and my heart is always open. Walk in any time (and if you bring coffee with you, I'll take a little cream with that. Thank you).

However you celebrate this day, may it bring warm memories of those small, inconsequential moments with your own mom. Those little 'moments in the sun' that bring a piece of contentment to your heart. If it warmed your heart, you can bet that your mom's heart was full to overflowing with love and joy in that moment. And that she savored more of those moments than you will ever really know.

It is the little things that count. Make the most out of the moments as you find them and you will create your own Hallmark Moments each and every day.

An Empty Agenda

Blue sky + a day off + an empty agenda + a quiet house = Pure Joy

I woke up this morning with the knowledge that this day is completely and totally free from any and all obligations.

Then I peered out of my bedroom window to find a bright (the sun was shining) and shiny (blue sky) new day greet me with enthusiasm.

I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. What to do first?!? Read? Write? Relax? Work on a chapter of my Book Project? Watch TV?

The options were endless. There was a quiet omission of reaching out of our home and inviting anything more into my world at this particular moment in time.

I feel like my outreach quota has been met and almost exceeded. It is time to replenish my resources and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I started reading a book this morning. I wanted to mark my spot in a few places and I knew that I have an excess of bookmarks around here. Somewhere. I know this. I just didn't feel like searching too hard. But in the one drawer that I did open, I found a gratitude journal that I wrote in, in 1997. It is interesting to go back in time and find your old self there waiting for you. I like the me-that-I-am-today better than that younger version of myself.

I will write about that one day ...

Then I went back to my book. I am reading the back-story of a blog author that I have followed for many years. It is interesting reading his life and the poignant omens of what-was-to-come before 'life' happened and changed his destiny.

Looking backwards, do all of us do and say things that make it seem like we knew out time here on earth comes with an expiry date? I found such comments within my own journalling from 1997. And here I am. Still here.

Yet others are not.

I cannot stop thinking of the two 17 year olds that died in a fatal car accident this past week. I simply cannot fathom the thought of one of my children never 'coming home' again. I can't even begin to think of how I would react. Complete and utter shock and denial is all that I can imagine.

It is simply not going to happen. I shall not dwell on it. But I feel for the family and friends of those young people.

My thoughts are getting deep as I sit here in my quiet place.

I won't sit still too terribly long. The windows are begging to be cleaned. I was just invited out for supper tonight. The world is seeping into my quiet day.

Maybe I will close the blinds after all. I wanted to savor this for just a little while longer.

Appreciating What I Had All Along

How is it that the same old, same old dull, dreary, frustrating and repetitive routines suddenly seem bright and shiny and brand new again once they have been 'lost' for a while?

Yes, I am talking of my daycare (again). Sorry.

I have had a young (daycare) family of three. All winter. Two, 1-year-olds and one, 2 1/2 year old. They  We were stuck in a rut. As long as they were interested and stimulated in new and different play things &/or people, they were perfect (as perfect as children can be at those ages). But that is not the way of the world. Life isn't new and exciting all of the time.

Trying to alter that reality would involve rotating the toy selection about every hour or so (which I didn't do - bihourly? Maybe). There was such a 'been there, done that' attitude in the house that the same old toys (even newly rotated into their day) just didn't cut it anymore.

Toys were getting broken on a regular basis. Limits were pushed. Each and every time I (literally) turned my back (I could still be in the same room), they did exactly what they knew they were not allowed to do (one example: standing on the couch and playing with the picture on the wall). Each and every time I left the room, one of the one year olds ended up crying (I think that the 2-1/2 year old was trying to 'be me' and instill my rules on her younger playmates and it always ended up in tears).

Okay, okay ... that is enough of a back-story. Long story, short ... these guys were testing my endurance. All winter. It was the winter that never ended. I was really starting to question my child-minding abilities. If I couldn't do this job well, what could I do?!??  

Enter our new family-of-two.

These guys are dynamos. They GO and DO and ARGUE and THROW and they just DON'T STOP doing and going and arguing and throwing unless I am completely and totally focused on tending them. Thankfully their parents are working with me and they have been doing everything that they can do from their end to make my job easier. It is definitely helping.

They have been here a week. They are getting to know the house rules and expectations. They don't like a lot of them, but they (sort of) grinning and bearing it. It is a work in progress but when every day gets a little bit better, you know it is headed in the right direction. It is challenging. But it is good.

What they have added to our bored little family of three, is new life. There is a buzz of contentment and 'happy' within these walls again. The same old, same old toys are being looked at and played with, in new ways. My Original Three are quite intrigued by these new play toys (called children) and the simple fact that they have new people in their midst adds a sense of newness to each and every day.

We have had a few challenging days, but all in all this new family is a welcome addition to our home. I think that this could work out very well.

We were just getting into the swing of things at the end of our first week, when the new family called and told me that they wouldn't be coming yesterday. I assume that this is a one-day-only event and that everyone will return today and we will be back on track. But knowing that we had one day without our new additions? Made the same old, same old routines of the weeks and months that preceded this one a gift.

I believe that each and every one of us has changed just a little bit over the course of this past week. Everyone looks at those same old toys and plays with them just a little bit differently. We all look at each other and feel that comfortable ease that you feel with those-you-know-well. My day wasn't run by bus schedules (my new little five-year-old is in preschool and is bussed to & from his school). We could leave the house and not have to be home by any time in particular.

And quiet time was ... quiet.

Once all of my little people were napping, I sat still on the couch (for the first time in a week??) and Senior Cat found me. Junior Cat was relaxed enough to 'join' us (see him over by the wall?). I turned on my familiar and favorite Home & Garden Network channel and inhaled. It. Was. Wonderful.

The same old, same old felt wonderful. For a day.

I think that it wouldn't have felt so awesome if I knew that each and every day that followed it would be more-of-the-same. But it won't be.

Today the doors will open and the children will file through. There is no preschool to break up our day. No bus to dictate our schedule. There will be no break from the children, the noise and children's TV during quiet time. And that is okay.

Having what we have now helps me appreciate what we have had all along. It was good. It was very good. And I didn't see it until I had the contrast of a different life to compare it to.

And ... the sun is coming out to play again today. It is going to be a very good Friday.

Dear Blog (I have missed you so!)

Dear Blog,

I have missed you so!

I have been very frustrated lately because I seem to have few words left over at the end of the day and fewer yet at the beginning. I was worried that I had run out of words, ideas and original thoughts. My quota was spent and I was done.

Then I got busy.

Mom came on Thursday and stayed until Sunday. I started a new daycare-family-of-two. I invited people for supper. I took a (short) road-trip with Mom. I coffee'd with a friend. Another friend phoned and we talked for hours. I had to send off some columns. I was in 'negotiation' with another newspaper. Two other friends dropped by another day. One in the morning. One in the afternoon. I cleaned the sandbox.

Yes. I am living an off-line life as well as this strange addiction to the on-line world.

As one of my blogs is a 'pay-per-hit' variety, I wondered if I should immerse myself in the Twitter, Facebook, Pintrest and/or Instagram as a way of promoting my writing. Then? I read this: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/05/07/step-one/  (a blog post about a blog writer's addiction to the Internet) and I thought "NO! It is more important to live a vital off-line life".

And that is what I have been doing.

I marvelled at the show that Nature put on for my mom and me on our Sunday drive (on Saturday). You can tell that spring has sprung. I spotted the bright green head of a mallard, alongside a mottled mate-in-waiting (I assume it was a female mallard) in a slough. The odd Canada goose was standing alongside the highway. Another pair of mallards stood and watched us drive by. Nature just kept 'showing up'.

The birds were all pairing up. I silently reminisced about the days that these natural pairings in Nature made me long for a spring romance. This year? I wondered what happens to the older mallard ducks. Do they make the long flight back and forth every year or do they start to 'summer' down south as well? Do they mate until they die? What is retirement like when you are a duck? I choose to think that they spend their summers down south. I don't even think that I will Google that because I don't want to hear that they simply die when they serve their purpose on this earth. I choose to believe that they await the fall arrival of family, friends and new grand (and great, and great-great, and beyond) ducklings.

As I drove down that familiar highway, I was inspired. "I can't wait to get home and write about this", I thought to myself. But I didn't have time.

My new daycare family is keeping me hopping. I am a regular Jack rabbit. Quiet time does not exist unless I sit in the middle of my two newest 'family members' and keep them from bickering and arguing and bugging and taunting each other. I suppose this is a perfect opportunity for me to grab a book and start reading again. I find it very (very!) hard to sit still for an hour when I have an hour and a half's worth of little items that I could be doing during this sacred hour. I miss sitting still with Senior Cat. This used to be our time...

Senior Cat used to lay upon my extended legs and force me to be still during quiet time. The new family is obsessed with bugging our cats and Senior now drops by to give everyone the opportunity to love him. He then chooses me and snuggles up on my lap. But my new family won't leave him alone and then I have to get up for some reason. It is simply not the same. I miss that forced down-time.

The sun has come out to play for two days in a row. This inspired me to sweep out the sandbox. Yes, this probably looks as ridiculous as the time my brother caught my mom sweeping the grass on videotape. We laugh at this. But here I am, doing the same thing (only different).

The winter's snow packs down the sand and enables me to sweep off the excessive pine needles, pine cones and pine fluff from the neighbor's pine tree that overshadows our sandbox. The sand is all swept off now and all I have to do is hoe up the sand to 'fluff it up' for the kids. Then they will throw it. I can see it now. They throw everything. I foresee trouble.

There was a fatal car accident in Our City. Two 17-year-olds were simply in the wrong place, at the wrong time. They did absolutely nothing wrong ... yet they were victims when police noticed a stolen vehicle, turned on their flashers and eighteen seconds later the stolen vehicle had rear-ended this innocent car into a house and two lives were lost and a third is in the hospital, in serious condition. Eighteen seconds! These teens went to the same school as my Youngest Son. The school is in mourning. Teachers are shaken. The halls were silent. Eighteen seconds ... the police simply did their job. An innocent vehicle was involved. Lives will never be the same.

I have had so much to say and so little time to do so. I must wind this up and ready myself for my day.

Oh Blog, I have missed you so! I will be back as soon as life allows it.

I Can See Clearly Now

I have three pairs of glasses that I wear on a rotational basis each and every day.

I have my progressive lens bifocals to guide me through the day. I can see near and far but looking at the computer screen through the reading portion of my glasses is very hard on my neck.

So I have a pair of computer glasses that I wear when I am at the computer for an extended period. I would be lost without them. Each time I transition from my Daywear Specs into my Computer Glasses I can almost hear an audible sigh of relief from my eyes. It is so relaxing to be able to sit and read without taking the extra energy required to focus.

When I go to bed, I wear an older pair of wire framed glasses that are durable (and a little bit flexible) enough for me to fall asleep in them (without breaking them). I call them my Sleepwear Pair. My last pair of Daywear Glasses broke prematurely (before my perscription changed or 10 years, whichever comes last) and I assume that falling asleep wearing glasses aided and abetted this early demise. So I have chosen to wear an old pair when I go to bed (I have developed the nasty habit of needing to fall asleep by watching TV - honestly, I don't need glasses to see in my dreams).

Fast forward to this morning.

I sat down at the computer and put on my Computer Glasses. My eyes didn't sigh with relief with the transition into my different specs. I was quite saddened with this new development. Aging. Sigh ... nothing stays the same.

So I adjusted my head and squinted and made do with the glasses at hand because I knew they should work. I must simply be tired.

I sat here for the better part of an hour. Then I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I am surprised that I noticed anything besides the way my hair looked and my tired, aging face. And yes, I took a double check at the 'smile lines' (scowl lines??) that are etched into my skin because Mom told me she (finally??) noticed them yesterday (they have been there for years). Nope. They hadn't changed for the worse. They are still just as bad.

Then ... something caught my eye. It was my glasses.

I was not wearing my computer glasses after all!! Somehow, my computer glasses got moved into the spot where my nightwear glasses live. And I hadn't noticed. How my night-time glasses got moved into my computer glasses case, I will never know (obviously, I did it). And I really don't care.

Because the moment I switched glasses, the magic was back. My eyes sighed their happy sigh of relief. They focused on the computer screen and I didn't have to strain my neck or eyes or brain to try to focus on the words before me.

I like it when life's problems are so easy to solve. Now if only it was that easy for my neck....

The Sun Came Out to Play!!

The sun came out and the sky was blue yesterday. Oh! What a difference a blue sky makes!!

It has been cloudy and dreary and rainy and snow for far too long!! My coping skills were pretty much down to nil. I think I was running in a deficit. I have had enough snow and winter to do me until December. Thank you very much!

I opened up every window and screen door available to me. Welcome back, Sun!! We have missed you so much. More than words can say.

And do you know what the sun said to me? "Clean your doors. Clean your windows. Wipe down the dishwasher. Do you see all the water marks down the oven door?" Man, you sure are bossy for a guy who drops by so seldom!

But do you know what? I was glad to do it. Because all that the clouds tell me is "Don't bother. It is going to rain anyway. There is no sense to do it now. It just doesn't matter!" What a pessimist!

The sun said, "It is a new day. Anything is possible!" The clouds send a subliminal message that tell me "Sit. Hibernate. Nothing is going to change."

The sun is bright, happy and optimistic. I see the blue sky and sunshine and feel elated. The clouds are sad, gloomy and pessimistic. Too many cloudy days in a row and I feel a depressed state seep into my being.

The sun energizes me. The clouds drain me.

The sun beckons to me and calls me outside to absorb its warm and Vitamin D. The clouds make me want to retreat into a warm, dry oasis indoors.

 The sun spurs me into action. I spend and utilize my reserves. The clouds give me an excuse to sit back and recharge.

I like the sun's positive attitude. I can only take so much of the cloud's negativity. Lately? Enough has been enough. Clouds, you have more than overstayed your welcome!!

We walked outside and simply enjoyed the blue sky and finding the signs and signals that spring is on its way. 

The geese flying north in their "V" formation ...

We spotted our first robin... 

I felt happiness seep into my soul. From the inside out. The sun broke through the cloak of sadness and despair that has been an unwelcome guest for far too long.

Please come back again soon.