Down Another Rabbit Hole

I sat down to write yesterday but fell down a rabbit hole when I couldn't remember a small detail. I fell down a parallel rabbit hole last week. 

I'm writing about things I've written about before so I use the search bar at the top of my blog and start reading what I've written previously. I like what I find and start comparing my current self to my prior self and I'm coming up short. 

Where did all the words go? Why do I not have original thoughts any more? When did I stop finding little morsels of the day to write about? Who am I when I don't write? What am I going to do about this?

When you live a life on the rinse and repeat cycle over and over, without living a life outside the place you call home, the world becomes very small.

When you stop inviting people into your life and find solace in isolation instead of socialization, that small world becomes smaller.

When you tamp down your thoughts with Netflix marathons and potato chips, you start to disappear.

I have become smaller than I can remember being for a very long time. 

Step one was to restart the daily writing habit. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Step two must take me one step outside the rinse and repeat cycle I'm living so I start noticing the world outside my head and think some new thoughts. 

Focus. One word at a time. One day at a time. One forward step at a time ...

Rabbit holes in the snow - even the rabbits are going no where ...

but that is the intent.

They are burrowing in the snow to find shelter from the weather ...

maybe I'm just burrowing too.

Remember - you are exactly where you are meant to be...

the discomfort is there for a reason.

Be uncomfortable.

Sit in this.

The fork in the road is near.

Recurring Thoughts

When I resigned from column writing, I wrote:

"... I need to write like no one is reading for a while. Some of this unfamiliar territory involves my family, so many of my musings and thoughts are not my story to tell. Most of this will turn into a great lesson one day..."

I had recently handed in my notice to my daycare parents and was taking (another) leap of faith into my future. A future, I didn't realize at the time, that would revolve around three seniors who have taught and continue to teach me life lessons.

Mom - a fiercely independent 88 year old (at the time) who modeled the person I most want to emulate as I move through the years ahead of me. She was a life long learner long before they coined the phrase. She was curious, interested and deeply invested in her family and those within her life.

My bookkeeping boss - still working at age 85, loving what she did and invested in teaching me enough to take over the ropes one day in the distant future. 

My aunt - a gracious, curious and light hearted soul who had lost her husband (my dad's brother) three years prior. She was in the beginning stages of dementia and would need some support systems in place to keep her independent for as long as possible. She graciously accepted the help she was offered and was/is so grateful for her children and all they did/do to support her.

I remember thinking of these widely diverse group of seniors and how I would like to adopt some of the qualities from each of them into the person I was becoming. Six years later? The person I most want to emulate is Mom. Perhaps that is true because she died within the year and memories of her are frozen in time, while my other senior friends have continued on and their story is still being written.

No one can predict the road ahead of us. We can look at our parents, grandparents, our gene pool and make some vague predictions. But we can never know what twists and turns will develop as modern medicine, preventative medicine and the vast sea of the unknowns change over time and impact our future.

I stopped writing before I knew the path I was on. I simply knew all I could think about was Mom and what she was going through. Not my story to tell. She has been gone six and a half years and my thoughts return to her often. Perhaps there is a story there ...

The Wedding

My last born child has been the first of my children to marry. She was married in a bare bones, very simple legal ceremony in our home. It may have been the best wedding I have attended.

A promise, signed and sealed by a representative of our provincial government was made just a little more special due to the closeness of those in attendance. The couple themselves, the marriage commissioner, three in-person guests and three more via a Zoom connection. 

A kiss for luck and they are on their way.

The lyrics to "We've Only Just Begun" run through my mind. It was my wedding song. Simply put, we've only just begun sums it all up.

New horizons, so many roads to choose, talkin' it over just the two of us, so much of life ahead and yes we've just begun.

A new life together has officially begun. Unofficially, their beginning was two years ago. They are as certain as two optimistic, bright eyed and married souls can be. 

They've only just begun.

They Are (still) Here

I woke up without an agenda this morning. All I knew for sure was I didn't want any demands placed upon me upon my waking. I succeeded.

I was awake and out of bed by 5:00 am. "I should grab a cup of coffee and place myself at the computer keyboard and see what happens", I thought to myself.

I made a cup of coffee and turned on the TV instead. Always a bad move. 

Thanks to the relentless swishing of our cat's tail bashing me across the head as I nestled into the couch in my favorite TV watching position, I was alerted to this sight:

I haven't had an actual rabbit-sighting for a good, long while. The evidence they leave behind is all I need. Lots and lots (and lots) of rabbit tracks in the snow. Also a lot of "rabbit fertilizer" underneath the fir tree (where I just happen to leave some grain out for any critter who is looking for a winter supplement). 

I love taking in their unseen presence but I still revel in an actual rabbit sighting. The last two wild critters to cross my path have been red foxes. One fox ran across the highway in front of me as I was driving to my weekend oasis. The second fox ran in front of my aunt's deck and was gone faster than I could get up off the chair and investigate further.

What is the symbolism behind spotting a fox? Without doing a spec of research, my first instinct was to wonder if the presence of foxes had anything to do with the lack of rabbits I have seen.

Thus, I was grateful to spot these rabbits this morning. Evidence suggested rabbits were dominating the landscape but it is always nice to see things with my own two eyes.

TGIF

An unoriginal title for a worn and tired being at the keyboard. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again), I cannot believe I am 62 years old and still living for the weekend.

The weekdays exhaust me. I never catch up within my bookkeeping world and investigating the stories behind the numbers is a never-ending challenge. I am working well beyond my limitations and I feel imprisoned by my role. I wanted only to be a plain and simple "bookkeeper". I have little to no desire to take what I've learned and become anything more. I've hit my peak and I do not aspire to go any higher. I'm done. I am so done.

My senior supper hour partner is losing ground. Conversations that were simply repetitive have taken on a new tone. Words such as hate; ugly; never; can't; won't; no have entered the building and humor has started looking at the door. I realized as I was walking out the door last night, that I have stopped smiling. I will try and try again. This time I will look hard at my own language and sense of humor.

There have been challenges related to work, that go above and beyond all expectations. A stolen wallet set off a chain reaction I'm still battling. Banking transactions that should be black and white are all shades of cloudy. Yesterday I walked in and out of the bank and was able to accomplish my mission without question and ended with a friendly smile from a teller I have come to know fairly well during this time of woe. 

There! That is what I must shift my focus towards. A genuine parting smile and little joke is how I ended my evening with my senior supper partner. A wide grin from my teller and the words, "Done! Is there anything else I can help you with?" I am reclaiming some "white space" within my home office. It is a battle I will never win but I am keeping the enemy at bay.

Now, if only there was a positive spin I could find to manage the relentless shedding of cat hair within this home of ours. I have vacuumed four times in six days and there is no noticeable improvement. When life gives you this much cat hair, what can one do but stuff a quilt?

Positive language. A sense of humor. A relentless desire to push beyond the piles of paper to rediscover the table within.

If all else fails, let the magic of a weekend revive your spirit. Happy Friday!!

Easier Said Than Done

I am on Day 2 of my promise to myself, to blog daily. In a nutshell? I'm coming up empty.

I've started two posts but abandoned them. Too much. Not my story to tell. I start out with a nugget of an idea but get lost. I must keep it simple as I attempt to reconnect the brain to fingertip connection that used to surprise and amaze me.

I would sit down in front of the computer and just start typing. The next thing I knew, there were words laid out before me that assembled my freefalling thoughts into paragraphs that made more sense in black and white, than they did within my head. "If ever I am unable to communicate, give me a keyboard and I will probably be able to type out what I cannot say" was my motto at the time.

Oh, how the writer within has fallen. If I was to subconsciously type out what is within my head at this very moment, it may come out as this:  af io e9 ke dls kjshf o8s s    aoaoua sdaosdis

Yes, I have systematically numbed my thoughts for so long my brain to fingertip connection is not functioning. I kept the posts I started. I scribbled down ideas on my "Blog Every Day" note-to-self that is sitting on/by my computer. I will try, try again. But for today, showing up is the best I can do.

I'll try again tomorrow.

March Forward

I woke up to the year 2023 with a 2022 hangover. 2022 was a year that left a bad taste in my mouth. I sat down to write here in the wee hours of January 1st, didn't like what I wrote and never looked back. Now, here I am. Fresh new month, fresher perspective. 

 A blog writer I enjoy made a pact with herself to write every day in February. She too, had gotten out of the regular writing habit which meant I, in return, got out of the reading habit. It was a pure delight to go back and read the posts I had missed. Her musings, perspective, projects and some of the light and easy stuff of life were documented. I sensed the pleasure she rediscovered as she renewed her writing habit. 

What a great idea, was my first thought! February was already half way complete by the time I read this. February is my favorite and least favorite winter month. Favorite - because it speeds by so fast. Least favorite - because it speeds by so fast. In an accounting/bookkeeping world, those two lost days are very noticeable. "I will start in March!", was my second thought.

March. Thirty one days to meet my bookkeeping deadlines. Month-end falls on a Friday, so I have all week to prepare for those final, frenzied days. NO bookkeeping deadlines that are set by all the powers-that-be within my little bookkeeping world. PST, GST, T4's, WCB, and all the other letters of the alphabet have been tamed the past two months. Deadlines met. Employees paid. Bills paid. Revenue Canada is satisfied for the moment.

Let me breathe a long sigh of relief as I revel in the moment of overcoming the toughest two months of the year. Now is my time to set some resolutions hopes for the year ahead. Aspirations, whimsical dreams, a renewal of hope. I shall March forward from here.

Number 1 goal - to write on!