Write at Night

Write at Night - this was yesterday morning's epiphany. This would become my new habit. Write at night in order to extend my existence past 6:30 pm. Long story short? I didn't work.

It still feels like night, as I write this. Sunrise is 40 minutes away, so "I still have time" (I hear Mr. Incredible's voice in my head as I write this).

I've restarted the habit of writing three, hand written 8-1/2" X 11" pages every morning from my room with a view within my home. I'll write more about that another day. That little room is becoming a dream come true for me. Truly an oasis within this little home of mine ...

The habit of writing my unedited thoughts and just going with the flow of wherever the pen takes me has been tedious at times but for the most part, it has been clearing out the clutter of my thoughts. Does everyone spend their day with their Inner Critic nattering endlessly in the background as life-as-you-live it? Or is it just me?

I have named my Inner Critic "Gertrude". And man!? Gertrude is quite the piece of work a lot of days. She has a snide tone to her voice. Nasal to be exact. With attitude. Nag. Nag. Nag. I write her out of my thoughts as I write my Morning Pages. It helps.

The vast majority of my morning thoughts are to-do-tasks, counting down to the weekend, naming the day and my feelings about it. Blah, blah, blah.

This morning, as I (once again) counted down the days until the weekend, I thought of how this weekend countdown ritual reminded me of my youth and how I may never outgrow it. It put a different spin on my tired old tale of working for the weekend.

I listed off a long list of little things that remind me of my youth and how I nurture my inner child. Thankfully I have written this list in longhand, so I won't bother repeating myself here. But I ended my list with my home-of-choice these days.

I moved back to my Home Province thirty seven years ago. I moved back to my Town of Birth eight months ago. This morning, I tried to envision moving back to my home of thirty six years and I couldn't see it.

I moved off the farm as a child fifty five years ago. Every step I've taken since that time has led me to this exact moment in time. I've said it before and I hope to keep saying it - I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I'm content. Life feels very different than it felt a year ago. There have been a few growing pains but for the most part it has been growth in a very positive way. I don't embrace change so I've made it harder on myself than it had to be. One forward step at a time, I've made my way to where I am at this very moment.

I'm home.

In the Quiet I Can Hear ...

Today is my favorite day. A weekday when I don't have to work, be anywhere or be anything to anyone. I'm walking to the beat of my own heart this morning and it is life affirming.

First off, I made myself a cup of coffee. Then I turned on the Christmas lights and left the rest of the house in darkness. No music, no podcasts, no outside interference whatsoever.

I could hear the furnace cutting in and warming the chilly morning air. I listened to the train whistles as they bustled through our little town. Eventually Mom's clock woke up and started chiming the hour. Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

It was 6:00 a.m. and I marvelled at how time travelled at such a slower pace without my regular morning diversions. I sat in my rocking chair, opened all the blinds, enjoyed the view and heard my thoughts bubbling to the surface.

I grabbed a pen and pad. I started writing little lists of hopes, dreams and aspirations. First, thinking of my home. Next, looking inward and thinking of my personal wish list. My personal thoughts were capital letter items. 

The house and yard dreams came with a price tag. My personal wish list was priceless. Write. Move. Invite. Remember the joy of puttering. Re-create boredom to find stillness and space to feel the creative juices again ...

Then the clock started chiming more hours away. The closer I got to 8:00, the more practical my list became. 

Get a landline. Goal - use my cell phone as required but not for emails, podcasts, scrolling, shopping, checking the weather or highway conditions. Use the computer for "all of the above". Be INTENTIONAL with my cell phone usage.

Final words as I put my pen and paper down to write this:

JUST BEGIN

THREE DAY WORK WEEK IS THE GOAL

... and that is just the front of the pages ...

Inspired

I am attempting to make it a habit to inhale new thoughts, ideas and inspiration into my mornings. 

I love mornings when I don't have to be out the door at a certain time because it gives me the opportunity to be still within my cozy little abode, keep the curtains closed, lighting low and watch while I listen as if I am having a personal home theatre experience.

This morning was such a morning. I found a comfortable place to sit with Tom Hanks and Jay Shetty as Tom shared his thoughts, words, experience and perspective on life in a way that made me stand sit up and take notice.

If you have an hour and forty three minutes of uninterupted time, I highly recommend tuning out the world and tuning into this conversation.

My desire to savor solitude was reinforced. I was reminded that the quietest of times within my life were when seeds of change were planted. I was transported to the importance of the five hour drive back "home" to visit with Mom.  

I love that this conversation made me curious to learn more about Martin Luther King, World Wars, solar eclipses and the handing over of power from George Washington to John Adams (the first time in recorded history when there was a peaceful transfer of power without an heir inheriting the leadership).

This conversation fueled my thoughts and made me think. 

Tom's quotes, "This too shall pass" "And more will be revealed" "Our best days are yet to come" resonated with me.

I was ready to rewatch this interview the moment it ended. It was time well spent.

Supporting my neck has become my biggest challenge recently. I have a comfy looking couch which was not built for watching TV, but this 26 year old rocking chair seems to work for 1 hour and 43 minutes...

TOM HANKS Reveals The 'Countenance Theory' That CHANGED His Acting Career

Favorite Days

When my siblings and I last gathered, our conversation drifted towards "favorite days". 

I remember Mom blissfully commenting, "I think my favorite day is Tuesday" at a point when I was inhaling our conversations. We had a little chat around her favorite day. It was a light and easy conversation during a heavy and serious time. 

To my siblings, I replied, "Any weekday I don't have to work is my favorite day." Guess what day it is today? My favorite day!

It was dark when I started writing and it is dark as I wind this down. It was my favorite kind of day.

This morning's sunrise was pretty spectacular. I didn't have to leave the house to find it. This picture was taken from my own front yard:

I didn't take the lessons I was meant to learn yesterday and put them to use this morning. I frittered my morning away and missed out on the opportunity to witness this within a pre-dawn walk which would have enhanced the experience.

Yesterday, as I walked by an independent retirement living community I tried to imagine what the next twenty years have in store for me. I was grateful for today, yet mindful of the future.

I walked by the town's emergency service base and thought of the calls the ambulances go to. The need to call 9-1-1 in an emergency situation is never a good thing. I was grateful for the moment I was in, yet fully aware that life can change in an instant.

I walked by the Long Term Care Facility and thought of the lives being lived within those walls. The mere fact a person needs assistance to live out their life is sobering. Dad lived out his last years in a facility such as this. Mom fought hard to retain her independence. Other seniors I know well had no choice as their lives wound to a close. No matter how excellent the care may be, the loss of living an independent life is a great loss indeed. I felt a lot.

I walked by the hospital and thought of those requiring care. The sigh of relief one feels when they are in the hands of a medical team. The desire to go home. The hope it is a temporary pit stop along their way.

Then I simply walked. And it was good. 

The cool, crisp morning air felt good on my face. I felt better the moment I stepped out my door with the intent on greeting the morning and filling my early morning thoughts with gratitude.

It felt life affirming. Yet, I didn't repeat the lesson this morning. 

The answers can be as simple as stepping outside and inhaling the moment. Yet I find such solace in my safe little cocoon within my home. 

Our answers lie within us. I am laying my words out here on this platform to move my idle thoughts into a place where I am more likely to take action.

One forward step at a time.

Use Your Words

I just re-watched an episode of Oprah Winfrey and Arthur Brooks on YouTube - "Build the Life You Want". The phrase "Use your words" stirred something inside of me that has been asleep. 

Use your words. Write. Move the emotions to the pre-frontal cortex of my brain and examine what these feelings are trying to teach me.

I have become quiet. I am living the dream I set out for myself but I am not as satisfied as I was when I was dreaming the dream. 

I have taken my weekend oasis and turned into my life. My extraordinary weekends have become my ordinary day-to-day life. What could possibly be better than this?

I have been walking through the days in survival mode. I have worked from home or for people I know for the better part of 26 years. Leaving my home and interacting with the public in a new town and job has felt hard. I come home fully depleted but the wisest part of me that knows this is good.

I look at the life I am building here and the deepest part of me knows I am exactly where I am meant to me. But I feel empty and a little bit lost. I am not okay. I am fine. But I'm not the person I know I can be.

I have some work to do. Literally, figuratively and in more ways than I can verbalize.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go ...

I went for a pre-dawn walk after I wrote this, determined to make a mental note and photograph the sunrise. The sky lightened but there was no euphoric rising-of-the-sun moment. 

A metaphor for life some days. The sun always rises. A new day dawns. It isn't always specatular but it happens anyway. 

The overcast day was a very good day regardless. Because there was a small shift in my perspective.

Tomorrow is a new day.