In the Past Week ...

I completed the last half of the Canadian Longitudinal Study on Aging last night. There were a series of questions that began with the phrase "In the past week ..."

I wish that I would have written some of these questions down, because they were questions that truly made me ponder. And by the time that section was over, I was feeling a lot more positive about my past week.

The one question that I do remember was "In the past week, how often were you happy?"

My immediate response was, "I was happy last Thursday!" Happiness after a dance lesson was a feeling that I had felt before and longed to feel again. So it stood out in my mind when life repeated itself last week and I came home with an inner happiness that didn't burst like a bubble the minute I walked back into my reality.

My second thought was when I was on the receiving end of a hug from the one-year-old yesterday. She likes receiving hugs ... but yesterday, she discovered the wonder of extending her arms and offering herself to give and receive a hug. These little moments make my heart so happy. There is truly nothing like it. But the flip side of that moment of happiness? Lunch time was a lesson in futility and I was truly ready to pull my hair out. The contrasts of life ...

My third conscious thought within that moment when the surveyor asked the question, was the feeling of pure and utter happiness and contentment when our cat chose to spend Saturday afternoon napping on my torso ... and how pleased I was to accommodate him. Especially after looking at him with new eyes lately and knowing that our senior cat will not be with us forever ...

I hung up the phone and other moments of joy throughout the past week came to mind.

• An impromptu visit with a friend when I found myself on her side of the city and called her up on a whim.
• A coffee date that pushed me out of the house and simply felt 'good'.
• Savoring the sensory and visual pleasures that a home cooked meal can bring ... and on the flip side, finding out that the left-overs can taste better than the first go-around.
• Looking back on the call display and realizing how many times within the past few days the phone has rang and I have found a sister; an uncle; a cousin; a childhood friend have been on the other end of the line.
• Four out of five "perfect" daycare days for my two-year-old in the final stages of toilet training

Yes, life has thrown in its fair share of reality to offset those joyful moments. So when the answer to the question "How many days were you happy this past week?" was posed, I didn't have a black and white answer. I said there were moments of happiness within every day.

Now ... if only she would have asked, "How many days were you content with your life last week?", I would have had an immediate answer. Seven.

Seven days out of seven is not a bad average when it comes to finding your contentment factor. Life is not perfect. But there is nothing within my life that I do not have the power to change. That which is not ideal is something that I can work to improve.

As Aristotle says, "Happiness depends on ourselves". While I am working on that, I will focus on that which I already have:

"Health is the greatest gift,
contentment the greatest wealth,
faithfulness the best relationship."

~ Buddha

There is No Place Like Home!

If there is one thing that I like about these jobs of mine ... it is when I can put a -42 degree day behind me first thing in the morning.

Cold ... is cold. You know that the weather has been bad when -20 feels like a balmy, warm day. We have had a fair bit of -30ish degree weather ... but -40? It is cold. I really don't want to get used to this kind of day.

My flyers were dropped off at 5:45 this morning. That gave me ample time to start and finish delivering them before my daycare family arrived at 7:30. Even getting the job two thirds of the way done is a big win for me. Today? I was pretty chilled at the two thirds mark. I could have stopped then and completed the final half hour at the end of my daycare day.

But did I really want to know that I had to go out and face that cold again at the end of a long, kid-filled day? No matter how they describe the weather (in reality, it was 'only' -33 degrees this morning, but it felt like -42 with the wind chill) ... I feel that wind more as the day wears on. A cold day is warmer in the morning, if that can make any sense at all.

All I could think about was counting down the day, knowing that my reward at the end of it all would be going back outside to finish off my flyers. Unless I kept at it.

So I did. The last fifteen minutes were a little excessive, but at least by that point I had my body turned around and there was only one direction to go. Home!

I have been home for one hour. I have thawed out and have savored two cups of coffee. The rest of my day will be spent indoors.

If ever there was a day when I was grateful to be working from home ... today is it. And all of the other -30 to -40 degree days that have preceded it.

The Formula to Reinvent 'My Best Year'

I am desperately trying to look back on the Formula for Previous Happiness and I cannot help but look back on (what I think is) my best year in recent history.

That year began the in the Summer of 2009 when I put out casual call-out to all relatives when my uncle from Ontario came out for a visit that July.

Two months later ... in September, I went back to school. I was motivated with new ideas, new hope and active & stimulated brain.

I knew where I wanted to go. I was taking an active part in making that happen. I was highly motivated. From where I stood right then, I could see no reason why all would not go according to my plan.

That following February, it was the year that I said "Yes!" to participating in an out-of-province dance competition. I was an active participant in the preparation for the event. It was a dream come true.

The following spring and summer, I put myself out into the world and extended myself and invited people into my life. In April we had an Easter family gathering at our home. In May, I was a part of instigating the beginning of a summer of 'Girls Night Out' gatherings. In July, I opened my home to a pot luck at the dance studio...

One year later ... September, 2010 was to be the beginning of the end. I was fully invested in a new job that didn't live up to its expectations. I immersed myself into the world of Zumba and physical fitness ... to have my feet give out on me first. Lack of motivation gave out next. I never did regain that motivation.

Summer 2009 - Fall 2010. It was the year that anything seemed possible. I believed in myself. I reinforced that belief by educating my mind and flexed my brain muscle. I felt good enough about myself to open myself to friendships, family and gatherings of all kinds. My door was open and I invited the world in ...

I was not afraid of rejection or failure or the limitations of my budget, body or mind. I believed that anything was possible. And it was. For that magical year ...

How do I find that place again? Or can I?

We cannot relive the past. But we can take what worked and bring it forward. It is time for me to figure out the parts of that formula that worked for me.

Lazy Days and Mondays

Take two lazy weekend days and add a Monday onto that. Not a winning combination, if I do say so myself ...

I had been doing a marvelous job of keeping myself busy. No more mid-afternoon siestas. I wasn't falling asleep on the couch after supper. I was busy or my mind was occupied for the better part of most days. It was a good run. Until Saturday morning.

I woke up and it felt like I had lead weights attached to each and every one of my limbs. My body did not want to move out of bed ... nor did my mind have the inclination to convince my body otherwise. So I slept. Oh ... heavenly sleep!

I convinced myself that this was a backlog of missing sleep that had accumulated over the week. I am sure that (in part) this was true. It felt beyond heavenly to succumb to my whims after a week of overriding them.

Then I had no burning desire to leave my room. Why? I had no reason why I could not indulge myself. Sure, I had papers to deliver. But I had an illusive 8:00 p.m. deadline for that job (I despise illusive deadlines ... I really do!).

Eventually, I wandered out of my room and onto the couch. Our cat found me and used me as his human mattress for the afternoon. And I was more than just a little bit fine with that.

I got dressed at 4:00 p.m. and finished delivering papers by 6:00. I threw together some leftovers (ah! the joys of actually cooking meals) and called it supper. I was back in my pj's by 7:00 p.m.

Saturday? Was pretty much a write off. Sunday? Not a lot better.

I had a coffee date in the morning, so I had to get out of bed and dressed. But ... having no agenda for the rest of the day, I let the afternoon slip through my fingers.

It felt absolutely wonderful while it lasted. Another 'lost weekend'. But the downside of that? Monday morning.

I slept in an extra hour and lost my cherished morning time to myself. The computer was more stubborn than usual (the computer is not a 'morning person' and has to be rebooted each and every morning otherwise it runs slower than frozen molasses). Add three small children and stir.

It wasn't a terrible day. It just wasn't good either.

Today's strategy? I slept in only 45 minutes instead of an hour. I shut down the computer last night to speed up the start-up process this morning. My head is spinning with thoughts so that I do not 'rinse and repeat' the events of this past weekend.

Everything seems so easy in my head. Follow-through is not my strong point right now.

In the past, I saturated myself with positive input during times like this. Oprah was my medicine of choice. I am craving positive input and I do not have the oomph to work for it. I want to turn on the TV set and have it spoon fed to me. Like I always did before.

I was thrilled to find that we actually have the OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) channel, when we finally got our digital cable TV box. I was more than a little disappointed to see the programming on this network. It (appears to me) is full of the fluff that all of the other channels provide. Along with Oprah reruns where she (primarily) interviews famous people. Where did the inspiration go?

I am in search of positive, encouraging, inspirational and easy to digest positive input. Preferably at the flick of a switch, at the end of my day ... any ideas??

You Haven't Been Loved ...

... until you've been loved by a cat.

Today ... our cat chose me. He situated himself on my reclined body and incapacitated me for the better part of the afternoon. He was 'at one' with my torso. You could barely tell where he ended and I began (aided by the excess cat hair that became part of my ensemble...).

I've been worried about our little black kitty lately. His food consumption started to decline in December. By the time Christmas rolled around, I was becoming concerned. His age is starting to show. He sleeps a lot. And he sleeps so deeply. Very uncatlike.

A few weeks ago, I picked up some canned cat food. I thought that I could entice him to eat his dry cat food if I mixed it in with soft food. It generated a little more interest ... but for the most part, he just ate a few bites and walked away.

So I forgot about trying to get him to eat the dry cat food at all and offered him canned food only. Ahh ... that was more like it. He still ate only small amounts. But he was eating more than he had been.

Eventually, I had to replenish the canned cat food supply. I picked up a few different sea food varieties (which seems to be his preference) and offered him some 'salmon pate'. I hit pay dirt! He licked the platter clean and asked for more.

He is eating a can of cat food per day. He still sleeps quite a bit and isn't quite his young, vital self. But he is coming out to eat far more than he has in a very long time.

He quite often makes his presence known before I go to bed (as a reminder to fill his bowl before I go to sleep, I'm sure). I have been waking up to find him sleeping on the back of the love seat in the living room. I am greeted with a little morning, "Meow" (which translated, I'm sure means, "Breakfast, please?").

Yes, our cat is lovin' me just a little more than usual because I am the keeper of the cat food. He knows who is filling that bowl.

So today, when he decided that he would like to nap on me (all afternoon), I was more than a little happy to oblige him.

There were a lot of other things that I could and should have been doing. But today? I was chosen by our cat. I was honored to be his mattress with a built in heater and a heartbeat which I'm sure lulled him into a deep, deep slumber.

It was a lost day. But our cat found me. It was a very good way to spend a day. We just never know how much time we have with those we love...

Then I Danced

I went dancing tonight. And it was good.

I laughed like I used to laugh. I walked through the door and left my crappy day outside. I forgot the minor frustrations of the day. Because I danced. And I laughed. And it was good. Oh, so good.

I danced. And it was good.

It has been a very, very long time since I have said those words. It felt good to be back ...

When Past Strategies Fail

When I look back on some of my more recent life lessons, the common theme seems to be "What worked in the past will not work here".

How can that be? How could my past strategies fail when they had served me so well so many times before?

The world is a new and changing place. Different personalities are in charge. They have become who they need to be, to get where they want to go.

I am not as driven as I need to be to survive and thrive in this brave new world. I don't like what I see out there and I have no desire to become like some of those who are in positions of authority.

How do you become all that you hope to be when you fear ... but don't respect those that are wielding the power?

I tried, tried and tried again. I suppose that in some ways I succeeded. I found niches of safety and support in my travels. To be very honest, I had far more success than failure as I made my way. But it is the situations that I did not conquer that continue to haunt me.

Why? Because I have yet another challenge set before me. In the body of a two and a half year old child.

He has an extensive vocabulary and at first glance, he seems far older and wiser than a two-year-old. That is deceiving. Because he is often repeating words in a certain order that he has learned without the understanding that goes along with what he is saying. He is very much a two-year-old under the surface.

He copies every single behaviour of the one-year-olds that come here. I have done absolutely everything that I can think of to dissuade this behaviour. I ignore. I tell him I can't understand him when he doesn't use his words. I walk away. I guide his words and actions back to his own level.

It is when he stares boldly into my eyes and mimics a behaviour that I have just barely told the one-year-old to stop that gets to me. I have done "all of the above". I have gone to my fall-back word - a no fault, stop-in-your-tracks-word, that has worked every time before. "Stop".

The word "stop" has never failed me. It is the one word that I can say and has always met with success. Two kids fighting? Both people are most likely at fault in some capacity. Guilt is a great motivator and the word stop does not assign guilt ... but it is one word that stops the action so we can sit down and figure things out. 

The word "stop" is easily understood by all (most) ages. Sometimes the lesson to be learned is beyond a toddler's comprehension ... but the word "stop" can help stop a negative behaviour from forming. It has always worked for me. Always.

Until now. I have yet to discover the way inside of this 30-month-old mind. I watch and listen to  how his mom interacts with him and I am impressed. She doesn't bend to his tantrums. She stands her ground and he does not get his way until his behaviour improves. She is the youngest mom that I have ever babysat for and she is the most consistent in her expectations.

The lesson that keeps coming back to me is "What has worked in the past is not working here ...". So I must find a new strategy.

This old dog is having a tough time learning all the new tricks of the trade to survive out there. If I can't learn how to work with a two-year-old, what does that say about my potential for future success?