Moments

I made a conscious decision to simply sit back and enjoy moments within my Daycare Day yesterday. When you surround yourself with children and pets, there are many moments to behold. Let me rephrase that: when you surround yourself with life and nature, there are more moments than one can ever imagine.

My new little one-year-olds are a delight. They arrive every morning and greet the day with a smile. These amazing little bundles of joy and innocence are my little Daycare Greeters. They make every person who enters our world smile out loud. If you are having a rough day, I highly recommend that you drop into our world. Not only would my Little People distract you from your adult thoughts, I would very much enjoy speaking to an adult in the midst of a child-oriented day.

My little two-and-a-half-year-old is missing her partner-in-play (who left our daycare last week). My heart is aching for her loss. But her gain is that she has a 'better' me. Tuesday, I was feeling a little under the weather and once we got our babies down for a nap (she takes care of a boy and girl doll, while I take care of my boy and girl one-year-olds), I asked if she would like to snuggle up on the couch and watch a little TV (she happily obliged). Yesterday, she was feeling under the weather and I repaid the favor for her. She is a very sensitive child and I shudder to think how I made her feel when our Daycare World was spinning out of control. I am grateful for all of the calmness that has opened the door to a better rapport between us.

My little four-year-old has Downs Syndrome and is (for the most part) non-verbal. We have a playlist of children's songs that take us through the last segment of our day. One day this week, when a child's sign language song came on, her hands started to dance. I couldn't wait to ask her dad if she is learning sign language at pre-school (she is) and now that I know this, we will happily reinforce what she is learning at daycare. I am a novice signer, but I have a book and perhaps a student who may teach me more than I teach her.

Mix these four personalities in a bowl and you have My Day. It's not a bad gig. Especially when I am not trying to prepare food or deal with the bathrooming issues involved in all-of-the-above.

Yesterday's moments:

Parents of my newest one-year-old were dropping her off and they asked the other one-year-old how old he is (he loves, loves, loves to show us his tricks). He immediately put up his finger in a #1 sign which is a little bit cute in and of itself. But the show stopper was, when their daughter immediately followed suit and displayed her best #1 imitation right along side her little partner-at-daycare.

My new little duo are a little bit adorable. My little guy is a cuddly, loving and openly affectionate little man. A few days ago, he was overcome with emotion and just reached over and gave his newest little friend a great big hug. As if that wasn't enough, he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek afterwards. He's got the moves! Yesterday, I saw 'that look in his eye', as he was going to make a move. So I grabbed my camera to try and capture the moment for their parents. While I was grabbing the camera, he was going for the gold and gave her a hug. She wasn't braced for it, so she toppled over and he fell right on top of her. There were tears. My heart snapped a picture of 'the moment', I brushed off my little people and broken hearts were healed. If only life remained this easy ...

My little guy is into 'tricks' of all sorts. He 'roars like a lion' and 'squeaks like a mouse'. He knows how old he is. And he is big into pointing at body parts and identifying them these days. 'Noses' were the topic of the moment. My little two year old was busy teaching her dolly about noses and she was telling me how little her doll's nose was. And our one-year-old's tiny noses. Then she looked at me and said, "You have a big nose!" My ego was shattered but for a moment. I quickly picked up the ball and said that was okay - I would look pretty silly with a little nose like her.

Our Senior Cat grew up in my daycare. He wanders into our days and 'teaches' the kids how to treat an animal. He trusts me implicitly to keep him safe. Kids have tugged at his whiskers, ears, tail and hair. Yet he just sits there and knows I will protect him from harm. He doesn't stay too long, but he feels it is important to be a part of these children's lives. Nap time is his favorite. If he finds a warm, still, sleeping child-with-a-blanket on the couch he cannot resist. He accidentally slept through nap time yesterday and came up as everyone was waking. My little one-year-old was on my lap, enjoying his after-nap-bottle and he saw our cat and beckoned for him to come and sit beside us (he tapped the couch to encourage the cat to sit there, as I so often do). He was gulping down his milk and didn't have his voice, but this little guy was 'signing' in so very many ways. His little pointer finger was pointing to all areas of interest on our cat (ears, eyes, nose...) and our cat just lapped it up.

There were many more moments just-as-sweet sprinkled throughout the day. Yesterday was not a lot different than any other day. I just made myself stop and savor the flavor of the day as I lived it, instead of focusing on all that must be done to make things run smoothly.

Why is it that we get so wrapped up in all-that-must-be-done, that we let these little moments pass us by? We all have a litany of things-that-must-get-done running through our minds and if that is all we focus on, that is all that we see. Any time I look back on any job that I have ever done, I can find moments. The moments that turn the mundane into something special. Moments that alleviate the stress. Moments that are fleeting but make the day worthwhile.

Look for those moments within your day today. I bet you will be surprised at what you see.

Sometimes ...

I had a nightmare this morning: 

I had made a promise to pick up a friend so that we could meet with a group of friends for coffee. I looked at the clock and I had an hour before I had to leave. The next time I looked at the clock, I was an hour late. Not only that, but I could not get my phone to work so that I could call my friend to explain that I was (finally) on my way. 

My sister and her friend were with me. And I didn't have a car. Nor did I have a plan. We were somehow transported (via dream-magic) to somewhere on "8th Street". And I didn't know which way to turn. We headed off to pick up one friend and it would have taken close to an hour to walk there. Then I remembered that the friend I had promised to pick up was much closer to where we were standing. So we turned around and headed towards her home. 

It was then, that I realized that I had (somehow) gotten my phone to work and she wasn't home (so she must have left without me). So we just had to head towards the place we were going to meet for coffee. For the life of me, I couldn't remember where we were meeting. I was late. I was standing in the middle of no-where-that-I-was-supposed-to-be and I had no idea where to go next...

Then I woke up.

The dream was so real, I almost emailed this particular group of friends to see if we had any upcoming plans that I had forgotten to write down. Gradually, the night-fog cleared and I realized that it was all just a dream. The reality is ... that I feel like I am standing still in the middle of the life that is going on all around me.

Life has been a little busier than I am comfortable with lately.

It has been a good busy. Lots of interaction with people. A little bit of 'Doing Hard Things' and dealing with the aftermath. A little gadding about and tending to friendships, work and life. Lots of coming and going within our home. It has simply been ... busy.

I am grateful. But I also been ... tired.

I am tired of thinking. I am tired of talking. I am tired of interacting. Last night, I was so tired that I went to bed before 7:00, but my body wasn't tired and my brain was filled up with all-that-I-have-not-been-doing. Needless to say, I woke up (and immediately fell back to sleep) about every hour or two all night.

Then I woke up this morning and reread an email that a friend sent to me yesterday:

... and I realized that this is the magic ingredient that is missing at the moment. 

When too much is going on in your life, book some time for yourself. I will be back with my own thoughts just as soon as I take a few of those moments for myself...

Mountains and Sand

The more I talk with people, the more I feel we have in common. I think that is why I like to get past 'talking about the weather' and talk about real things. We are all struggling with something.

Even when life feels good, do we ever forget the feeling of climbing the mountain to get to the resting spot that we may be enjoying at the moment? Perhaps that is why that I believe that it is important to forgive, but not to forget the lessons that we have learned along the way.

Once upon a lifetime ago, I read the quote "Holding a grudge is allowing someone to live rent free in your head". I have never forgotten that particular group of words. One simple statement changed me.

I have felt the pain of heart ache and loss. I have felt anger and betrayal. Life has not always been fair and (sometimes) I have had to fight for what (I felt) I rightfully deserved.

I have grieved the loss of life-as-I-expected-it-to-be but I have moved onto the life-that-I-was-meant-to-live.

When I look back, it is not the easy and carefree times that define me or have made me into the person that I have become. It is the mountains, the moments of crisis, the betrayals, the losses and the pain. When life hits a crescendo, you must act.

I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned. I have forgiven the humans behind the pain. But I hope to always remember the lessons.

It is the lessons we learn along the way that help us hear what someone's eyes are telling us. Our imperfections help to open the doors of conversation where trust is born and friendship evolves. I would choose to be rich in friendship verses the riches money can buy any day of the week.

At times of great loss or crisis, people band together to help another walk through the moment. But it is in the months and years after that moment that a person may start to feel that pain more deeply. The world has moved on and often it is then, that a person who has suffered a life-altering-event needs support the most.

Why do people tend to feel the need to be strong when they are feeling a moment of weakness? I feel that we become stronger by leaning in together and forming a strong support group. Together...

"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe." 

~ Robert W. Service

The Hierarchy of Cats

Once upon a time, our Senior Cat was in the Junior Cat rating in our home. He was the third of a cat-family-of-three to adopt us and call us 'family'. He knew his place within our cat population and was content to be Third in Line to the Throne (you can read about that here). Things have changed ...

Our Senior Cat evolved into being our Only Cat for many years. He fell into that role like he was bred for it. He was comfortable with his power, graced us with his feline presence and did his very best to share his love equally among his Humans.

Then along came Junior Cat. Senior enjoyed this novelty cat until he realized that he was here to stay! There was a definite change in his posture and attitude when this annoying guest decided to move in.

You know how little things become more, the longer they go on? Senior Cat must have been aghast at his new room-mate. 

Junior was a pig when it came to litter etiquette. He threw litter everywhere and seemed to dominate both litter boxes. Then there was the matter of the water dish. Junior didn't like the dish-placement, so he would scoot it to the middle of the kitchen floor. Then to top it all off, he would tip it over when he was done playing. 

Senior Cat knew all of the prime spots to nap and Junior was determined to nab each and everyone of them as soon as Senior vacated them:

Senior Cat: "These are MY pillows, on MY couch, in MY Chosen Human's Room!"
Junior Cat (thinks to himself): "Yes, Sire. But you can't sleep there forever! I will wait for my turn ..."

Then there are all of the best bird-watching, life-passing-you-by watching spots in the house. Though Junior thinks that we don't know how often he gazes into our neighbor's trees (via the kitchen window), his 'THUD' to the floor each time he hears us approaching is a dead give away. The living room window is the Human Approved spot to vie for. Just last week they finally agreed to share the space. Prior to this, it was a first come, first served deal (otherwise known as Senior Cat first; Junior Cat when it was available):

Our Black-Cat-Bookends (I wonder if they would let me stack a few books in between them some time??)

It has taken a while, but there seems to be a symbiotic relationship developing among our two Favorite Felines. Though Senior Cat likes to sit above the rest, he seems quite content to enjoy the companionship of his partner-in-cathood.

Senior looks upon the horizon and tells Junior of his impending power ...

Our two kitties remind me of the exchange between Mufasa and Simba in the Lion King:

Mufasa: Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom. 

Young Simba: Wow. 

Mufasa: A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king. 

Young Simba: And this'll all be mine? 

Mufasa: Everything. 

Young Simba: Everything the light touches... 

As Senior continues to wheeze and cough despite his steroid treatment and the gold-nugget-cat food which has his hair looking better than it ever has looked before ... I worry. Every living being is here only for a finite amount of time. I don't want Junior to have to 'take power' any time soon. In the mean time, it warms my heart to see the exchanges between our two favorite felines. Each of them knows their spot in our home and in our hearts. Knowing one makes us appreciate the other in their opposite manners. I hope our Senior Kitty is around long enough to teach Junior everything he has learned ...

The After-Taste of a Day

I didn't wake up to the after-taste of a bad day this morning. I didn't realize what was different until I sat down and wrote about it. Yesterday was calm.

Life is funny that way. Little things keep adding up and before you know it, you are dealing with big things. It is harder to recognize when 'action is required' when those little things start to pile up over a long period of time.

It is a very slow and gradual process. You don't see it coming. Because it has been there all along. Perhaps a little bit like filling up a sandbox a teaspoon at a time. What is insignificant at the beginning becomes overwhelming if you keep adding, without taking anything away.

A few days ago, I 'dumped my sandbox'.

At first, I didn't think that I could do it. In the end, I just had to close my eyes and forge through the moment. Once it was done, it couldn't be undone. There were others that would miss 'playing with that sand'. In the end, I simply had to do it for the better good.

I tentatively walked through my day yesterday. Guilt showed up to visit but was not allowed to stay. Perspective started peeking through the window and I sat in that ray of insight and breathed a long, steady sigh of relief.

The day was not perfect but it was ideal in every other way. I sat still and breathed in moments. Not in a hyperventilating sort of way ... but a long, deep inhalation of breath followed by a slow and deliberate exhale. I absorbed oxygen during the day. I was more of who-I-am. Verses the person I became while hanging on for dear life as our days spiralled out of control.

Sometimes we need to do a little housekeeping in our lives. Keep that which works and rid ourselves of that-which-drains-us. This is easier said than done.

Listen to yourself when you wake up in the morning. How are you breathing? What are you feeling? What residual thoughts from the previous day haunt you? Do you have too much pulling at you? Can you pinpoint one factor that continues to weigh you down? What choices do you have?

Even when we feel we are stuck, there is often something that can be done to shift the load. If you have been adding to your 'sandbox' without taking anything away, stand back and have a good hard look at it. Is there anything you can do to lighten your load?

Think of the after-taste of your day. Try to live a day that feels sweet on your tongue when it is over.

I Quit

I don't 'quit' on kids. I don't.

In all of my (twelve and a half) years of daycare, I have given one family 'notice'. It was a situation that I had talked to the parent about. Other families were becoming uncomfortable bringing their children here. I monitored the situation closely. Something felt very, very off and it was out of my control. I couldn't fix or change it. I gave two weeks notice and I never looked back. It was the right thing to do.

I have had many, many challenging behaviours to contend with over the course of time. But I didn't quit. I once had a friend who had a child that had ADHD before it was a well known, well talked about catch phrase. She had daycare after daycare 'quit' on her. When I started babysitting I promised myself that I would not give up on a child. It is devastating to the parent and not good for the child.

But what is worse? Admitting defeat? Or subjecting that child to day after day, where it felt like they were constantly on the receiving end of time outs and relentless coaching to modify the offending behaviour? All to no avail.

I felt like I was talking to a stone wall, for the difference that I made. He could repeat the words that I said word for word. He copied my inflection, my tone of voice and my body language. But he did not understand me.

He copied every move that everyone around him made (including the cats and dogs). But he did not understand the concept of independent thinking.

Had he been in a situation where he was the youngest, in a group of children that were setting the bar for him, he could have thrived. Instead, he was the leader of the pack. He was mimicking behaviours of those who were much younger and developmentally challenged.

The younger our crowd got, the more he regressed. To the point where he went from being fully toilet trained to ... not.

I tried everything that has worked for me in the past. I tried every new tactic that I could think of. I talked with my son (who has seen the exact behaviours that I have seen) and he has verified the validity of this ongoing issue (I am  not imagining this or exaggerating). I have bounced my words off of the adults in my world. I was running out of options.

So yesterday ... I quit. It had to be done.

The self esteem of a child is at stake. I had to do it. He was taking the vast majority of my attention and energy. I had to do it. His behaviour was affecting the behaviour of everyone else in the house. I had to do it. I physically shuddered each and every morning when they drove up into our driveway. I had to do it.

It was the right thing to do. But I quit. I feel like I gave up on a child. And I do not feel good about it.

I will go through this day and know that every day from here on, will be without the energy-drain of the child that needed more than I could give. I will be more available for the rest of the children. I already feel a great relief knowing that I won't be fighting the same battle day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. It is for the greater good.

I tried everything that I could think of to fix or change the situation. Nothing worked. Not for me. Not for him.

I quit. It doesn't feel good. Not yet. Not today.

I would like to know the 'rest of his story'. I wish him only good things and I hope that this decision sends him onto a better path ...

A Balancing Act

I believe in a good balance in life.

I like to work hard enough to appreciate my leisure time. I like (just) enough leisure activities to offset my work load. I need down-time where no one needs a piece of me to operate effectively. Too much of any-one-of-the-above and I feel like I have reached a tipping point where I am not effectively enjoying any one facet of my life.

I can feel when a 'correction' is needed within my own little balancing act. Presently I am in a bit of a shut-down-mode after a very full and interesting weekend.

I love, love, love to stay home and hibernate in the evenings. After spending ten hours in the company of one-to-four-year-olds every weekday, I very much enjoy not having to take care of anyone besides myself at night. Leaving the house takes a great deal of effort. Last night's obligations almost took me over the edge.

I need people just as much as I need solitude. I juggle that back and forth constantly. I crave adult intervention during my daycare days. I believe the reason that I rolled with the punches so effectively last week was because I had adult-diversions that carried me through my child-oriented days. It worked like a charm.

I don't mind sacrificing a little bit of my weekend to devote to my bookkeeping job. It has little to do with the pay cheque at the end of the month. It has everything to do with fulfilling a promise to someone who has entrusted me with the responsibility. I also appreciate the work experience that I am gaining. The biggest benefit is that of nurturing a friendship.

I have felt just a little bit overwhelmed as my weekend employment has encroached on living-my-life and has upset the delicate balance of work and play. So I have taken some pre-emptive measures and taken back my life. Just a little bit.

I have booked some 'adventures' with family and friends in the upcoming months. Little things. But oh-so-big, because I have neglected this aspect of living for so long. I can feel the equilibrium of work/play; family/friends; solitude/people returning to my life. And it feels good. So very, very good.

Perhaps this return of 'balance' has me overly sensitive. When I hear my Middle Son get up in the middle of the night to get ready to go to work and notice the lateness of the hour when he returns home at the end of that same day ... I am concerned. A person simply cannot be their best when their life consists of little more than working and sleeping.

I hope that he finds a balance that works best for him. A person can balance on the edge and teeter for only so long before you crash. Finding that balance within a new job takes perseverance. And patience. But once you find it ... you find a whole new level of enjoyment of life's little things.

It is a delicate balance and an ever-changing dynamic to keep things working at their best. You can't stand still on a high wire. Nor can you remain static in this thing-called-life. It is all a delicate balance of give and take, old and new, noise and quiet, work and play, yin and yang ...

It is a delicate, ever-changing balancing act - this thing called life. If you are feeling out of sorts, something must give. Listen to your heart. It knows which way to go.