Grateful. Just Grateful.

Anxious. In a word, that is the feeling that I feel inside of me at this very moment.

I have to leave the house today. All day. The moment I take a step out of the door, momentum will carry me through the day and it will be a good one. It always is.

But I will be ever-so-grateful to walk back inside of my sheltered little life at the end of this day. I always am.

I am grateful for this life I am living.
I am thankful for the opportunity to work from home.
I am content with all-that-I-do within my work, life and home.
I am at peace within myself and my relationships with those that touch my life.
I am gratified with the obligations that I have set out for myself - doing hard things makes me happier.
I am happy with the week I just spent - it was as if pixie dust was sprinkled on our days. Life was easy this week.
I am satisfied with the way I rolled within my daycare world this week. More patience, more appreciation, more joy. A person tends to find what you are looking for a lot of the time. Look for the greatness within the moments and the minutes and hours take care of themselves.
I am grateful for the struggles that I have endured, for they help me feel for what my friends are going through. I cannot change a thing, but I can shoulder some of the load and listen. It feels like so little but sometimes it is just enough.
I am excited to anticipate where I will be one-week-from-today. I will be sharing this day with my mom, two sisters, my brother, my sister-in-law, my aunt and my cousin. Eight separate lives shall merge into one day. When I think of how tenuous that thread is (that is drawing us all together at the same place at the same time), I am amazed that all seems to be working itself out and our weekend shall continue to go forth as planned.
I am also grateful that I set my alarm to remind me that I must go now. I must run. I'll be back...

As Content as a Cat in a Sunbeam

It is Friday night and we have wrapped up our week in a bow and said a fond farewell to our Friday. Our Senior Kitty looked as content as I felt at the end of a long Friday (but a very good week).

I feel as content as our little black kitty as he basked in the sunshine at the end of our daycare week. I am going to bask in an episode of Gilmore Girls before I wind down the day. 

May you bask in your own favorite pastime this final Friday of March...

Life Without Mirrors

I was doing my hair this morning and struggling with 'the look' that was happening in front. Then I came to the back and I simply went by feel. A few quick swishes with the flat iron, it felt good enough and I was good-to-go.

Because I can't see the back of my head, I have always (often) had the illusion that the back of my hair is fine. Just the way it is. No fuss. No muss. It is what it is. What I can't see can't hurt me. Carry on!

Why don't I feel that way about the hair that frames my face? Why have I become obsessed with that reflection in the mirror?

We have one mirror in the house (okay, three ... but one is behind our new TV and you really can't see it any more; and the other is in the downstairs bathroom). I am starting to wonder if it is one mirror too many.

What if the only reflection that I saw was the expressions on the faces of those who touch my life?

When I am wrapped up in a conversation that matters, I feel deep, thoughtful and all that matters is that my eyes reflect interest and caring.

When I am in an environment that lifts me up and makes me want to dance, I feel young, vibrant and full of life. I have seen pictures of myself in that environment. That girl looks nothing like the reflection in our bathroom mirror.

When I am taking care of my young daycare family, I hear and see myself in their words and actions. One does not need a mirror or tape recorder to see what my young charges see and hear. When my little two-year-old started complaining about her sore back and shoulder and every other body part, after realizing that she hadn't hurt herself I stopped and listened. I heard 'me'.

My mom thinks that I obsess too much about my hair. If I didn't have a mirror, styling the front of my head would be as simple as styling the back. What I can't see can't hurt me. As long as it feels good and is out of my face, I should be happy. Heavens! I am!! Each and every time I ask my hair stylist to please thin out the bulk in my hair, I outwardly speak the words. I am grateful for thick hair. I really am! It is better to have too much hair than not enough (but get rid of some it for me ... please).

What if there were no mirrors in our world? What if all that we knew of our reflection is what life reflected back to us.

Smiles, sour looks, joy, sorrow, elation, devastation ... would we change our look based on trying to change the expression on those who reflected what was going on inside of us?

What if all we knew of our look is what we saw in a shadow, an aluminum surface or a pool of water? Somewhat distorted, we may look better or worse; fatter or thinner; taller or shorter. My hair may still be an issue because my shadow has shown me things that I never knew about my hair ...

What if the reflection that we see in our mirror is not at all what the world sees? We may see wrinkles, gray roots and bad hair. The world may see character, wisdom and a carefree spirit. We may think that we see beauty when the world outside of the mirror may see vanity or a shallow soul. We may think we are ugly when the world sees beauty that goes far deeper than a mirror could ever reflect.

The less I enjoy the reflection that stares back at me in that big old bathroom mirror, the more I shall focus on the 'back of my head' - that which I cannot see.

When I walk away from a person, what stays with me? Is it the way they look on the outside or is it what is inside that counts? I always remember the way another person made me feel. That is something that a mirror does not reflect. To me, that is the one thing that we do have control over and that we should work on the hardest.

More Cat Tales

Junior Cat has been a member of our family for ten months now. Oh, how far he has come.

I wish that we knew his story before our story. He moved into our home all confident and curious on the outside and oh-so fearful and skittish on the inside. 

He took over my Youngest Son's room like he was King of that domain, even though Senior Cat had claimed that kingdom long ago. So he soon took a back seat to the King title and gladly accepted his role as Prince, heir to the throne.

He was scared of everything back then. New people, people who didn't act in a way that he understood (that would be my Middle Son and His Girlfriend), sudden movements, unexpected noises, being outside, people walking by him ...

He adopted Senior Cat as his partner-in-cathood immediately. They were two curious cats and they got to know each other quickly. Soon, they were a blur of black cat hair, as they had cat-chases throughout the house and left tufts of black cat hair in their wake (after a bout of cat wrestling). Senior Cat showed him the ropes around here and I do believe that Junior was paying attention all along.

A few months ago, we noticed Junior Cat facing his fears. 

He would wander into the middle of my Daycare Day and stay in the arena as long as the kids didn't look at him, make loud noises, approach him or notice him. He was setting the stage. 

He would place himself in a safe-zone (the hallway, with a few exits with hiding spaces within) and watch my Middle Son and His Girlfriend. His eyes would be wild. He was poised and ready to run. But he kept challenging himself to stay still and watch these strange humans that did not respect his fear.

Bit by bit, he became just a little bit less jumpy. One by one, he started to allow the people-we-let-into-our-home approach him. Little by little he seemed to relax with the idea that we attract cat-likers into our world. Those who enter here, will not harm him. 

My aunt and uncle dropped by this past weekend and Junior Cat jumped up and allowed my dad's brother to adore him (another one of Dad's brothers earned the same privilege six months ago - cats have a keen sense of innately knowing who to trust).

Our Scaredy Cat has let his guard down and is starting to trust the world. 

His purr is getting a little bit louder (my Youngest Son is so proud of Junior, "Hey buddy, you are sure learning how to purr!"). His purr was so very soft and tentative when he first moved in. It sounded less like a purr and more like an accidental vibration of rugged air when he exhaled. These days, he has added a purr on the inhale and a little bit of volume to the whole experience.

He knows his place within our home. It is everywhere (except perhaps within the realm that is my Middle Son's room ... where the ear plugs go forth and multiply after he stalks and steals them). He graces us with his presence and even on days when he is feeling like he wants to be a part of the action from a distance he finds a safe zone and watches us.

Junior has his own unique style and personality. I see ways that Senior has influenced him and I see ways that he has influenced his elder cat. There is a quiet little yin and yang between our two black kitties. There is an ebb and flow, a give and take, friendship and respect that has evolved over the course of these past ten months. It never hurts to surround yourself with youth and vitality. 

We will never know how Senior Cat's health would have progressed without his younger counterpart at his side, but I like to believe that Junior has brought out the kitten in our ailing Senior Kitty...

Senior is still King of This Castle, but Junior seems content to reign from his own throne.

Word Pinball

I hit the 'open road' Sunday morning and spent three hours with my own company. No internet, no phone, no Facebook, no book project, no TV, no other person, nor pen, nor a computer to bounce my thoughts off of. It was just me and the radio.

It was lovely.

I wish that I had not consciously realized that I was living my dream while I was in the thick of the moment. Suddenly my brain kicked into medium gear and actually wondered how I could best utilize this time. What could I focus on and think about? There were so many things.

Suddenly my thoughts started pinging around in my head like a game of pinball.

Each fresh new idea was launched out of the starting gate with a spring loaded lever. It was energized by its freshness and as I subconsciously lost one train of thought and drifted to another, one ball was lost and a new one was reloaded.

As each new thought was launched I was hopeful that subliminal thoughts and messages would sift to the top and the best path &/or solution would clearly present itself.

I tried to keep the ball in play as long as possible but one thought segued into the next (I guess I kind of suck at playing pinball).

Ping! Ping!! Ping Ping Ping!!!

Bells, whistles and cool sound effects were not part of my internal arcade game but the pinging noise was almost palpable.

Have I thrown too many logs onto this 'fire' of mine? I seem to have initiated a handful of family events. The dates are staggered and most of them simply require making a reservation and 'showing up'. That's easy, right? Right!

The Book Project looms heavily over my shoulders. I must concentrate on that first and foremost, write it up, wrap it up, print it off and write it off. Done! Complete!! It is zapping my energy. This I know for sure.

Then there is the day-to-day challenge of working with one and two year olds. My attention span is no longer than the children I tend. As my thoughts pinged (pang? punged?? what is the past tense of ping, anyway?) around in my head Sunday morning, I was frustrated at my inability to hold onto one thought long enough to see it through to the end. This reminded me (once again) of the Book Project.

Three hours after I left the house, I arrived at my destination. I had a thoroughly enjoyable visit and lunch with my siblings. Then my sister hopped in my passenger seat and we chatted the entire way home (less pinging, more follow-through when you are actually speaking the words).

It was a much needed day. One part solitude. One part nourishment (of the body and soul - sharing lunch with my family fills me up in so many more ways than food alone). One part sister-bonding. Then I returned home with lots of time left in the day to spend the last part doing what I do best. Nothing (I prefer to call this part "Strategizing").

I opened up the blinds yesterday morning and felt so capable of taking on the day ahead of me. I swear that children and pets pick up on these vibes. The calmer I am, the calmer my charges are. I had replenished my coping skills over the weekend and I was ready for my little people.

Even though I didn't feel like I had come to any grand conclusions during my pinball game of words, I released the pressure. I became more of who I am (underneath the weariness of dealing with one and two year old dilemmas for hours and days on end).

All of the other stuff? The get-togethers, the reunions, the planning and reserving? They are all 'done enough' for the moment. I have filed my data away and can bring it out on demand. But for now? I need to write a book.

And that is exactly what I am going to do. One chapter at a time. I can and will do this. Starting ... NOW!!

Waking Up on the Right Side of the World

I woke up on the right side of the world this morning.

It could have gone either way because I woke up an hour before my alarm went off, to sounds from the kitchen.

I could have closed my door and been oblivious to the world outside of it but it felt more important to give my Senior Cat the opportunity to come in and sneak up on my bed while I was sleeping. He hasn't been as cuddly as he was before he got sick so each and every time I find a piece of him returning, I cherish it that much more.

I may have lost five minutes of sleep. I felt like I lost an hour. But it didn't matter.

I woke up to happy music. "Best Day of My Life" and "Wake Me Up" were a part of my early morning wake up call. I sat down to read my favorite blogs and found "Happy".

As I made my way toward the bathroom I found both cats waiting at the door for their morning fountain experience. The drizzle of fresh water from the bathtub tap makes their day. Watching their enthusiasm for running water makes my day.

I wandered back into the kitchen to make my second cup of coffee and the sun was already starting to rise! It was not yet 6:30. Spring is coming! Spring is coming!!

The light is now streaming through the closed living room blinds (it is not yet time for my Daycare Day to begin so I am not quite ready to invite the world into my time limited quiet zone).

I have a lightly choreographed agenda for the week ahead. A few ideas to change up my Daycare Family's days. A small goal with The Book Project. I have a plan-of-attack for the upcoming week.

My world may turn on its axis tomorrow, next week or even later on this morning. But for now, I have the soundtrack of my morning playing in the back of my mind.

Please be gentle on us today, World. It is a brand new week. Possibilities are endless. But we are limited as to how much we can take on at one time.

I hope the day is kind to you...

Ten Things of Thankful

My brain is feeling numb from a day of working with The Book Project so I have given myself permission to wander over here and be grateful. How easily can I come up with ten things to be thankful for? It is 6:22 p.m. right now. GO!

1. I am thankful for a weekend off of work. It has given me the freedom to 'write a book' (not really write an entire book - but I do aim high), to be here when my aunt and uncle dropped by, to go for a Sunday drive (tomorrow) and meet up with my sister, brother (and maybe my mom) for lunch at the 'half-way spot' between here and Mom's.
2. I am thankful that I will get a bonus visit with my siblings out of the deal. Considering the miles that separate us, we do a pretty fair job of keeping in touch. But there is nothing quite like a face-to-face, sit down and chat kind of visit. 
3. I am thankful that I have a spare job that helps me meet my financial obligations, exercises my brain, forces me out of the house and helps me to appreciate non-working weekends.
4. I was thankful for the end of my daycare work-week. I'm not sure why, but Friday was hard. It was simply one of those weeks where I ran out of ideas and my 'bag of tricks' was coming up empty. I was running out of kid-coping-skills.
5. I am thankful for a fridge (and freezer and cupboards) that are fully stocked. This means that I didn't have to leave the house today. We have provisions to carry us well into next week. Each and every time I run downstairs or to the cupboard to pull out something that I have stocked up on, I feel a rush of gratitude. Not only do we have enough to eat, we have excess. 
6. I am thankful for our home that is full to overflowing. It is not only full of extra food and household supplies, we have a wealth of family and furry family critters to keep life interesting. Not only are we never lonely in this home of ours ... we have so many bipeds and quadrupeds wandering around here, that one never worries about those things that go 'bump in the night'. It is probably just a cat ...
7. I am thankful that our Senior Cat (who has been doctoring for seven months now) is doing so well. We are still not exactly certain what is causing his breathing difficulties but his low steroid dosage is keeping things at bay. Thank goodness for our vet who diagnosed our kitty with the tools (and our budget) that she had at hand. 
8. I am thankful that we have the ability to pay our bills and still have enough left over at the end of the month (or line of credit or whatever) to 'fix' our cat, buy a TV, go out for supper and anything else that is important to us.
9. I am thankful that my wish list is relatively small. I want for so very little within this full life of mine. Our house-that-is-full and jobs that overflow into the weekend fill me up and empty me out at the same time. 
10. I am thankful for the contrasts of life that remind me to be happy with all of life's little gifts. Good days wouldn't feel so great if bad days didn't precede them. You can't lose something you have never had ... and we have faced many losses. I am grateful for that which I had in the first place.

It is 6:38 and that was not hard at all. In fact I could just keep on going but I want to move onto other things. So I will keep this brief and to the point. 

No matter how bad things feel at the time, I can always find that which I am grateful for in among the ruins. Often even as I am 'living it'. 

I am grateful for my ability to see beyond the moment.

I stumbled across the "Ten Things of Thankful" community and I was eager to link up and join the fun. If you want to read 'more of the same' or link up and join the fun, grab a button and link up here!